kes29

Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl has a crush on me. Too bad it's my co-worker's five year old granddaughter. FML

Macabre date

Today, I had to go to a birthday party for 10 year-old triplets. They've all been dead for more than 9 years. FML

Lonely, so lonely…

Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

Today, I told my husband that I was going to get a swimsuit from the Victoria's Secret catalog. He replied, "Are you going to get the body to go with it?" FML

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

Today, the girl I've been dating for several months, and fallen in love with, said "We're just friends, right? My mom thinks I'm leading you on." FML

Dumbass idea

Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

Today, my mother told my little sister and me that she has breast cancer to make us feel sorry so that we would clean our rooms. She is perfectly fine. My little sister still thinks that "mommy is going to die". FML

Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

Bad boys, bad boys

Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML

Today, my grandpa told us he wanted to fit in. His idea of fitting in is streaking in a park at 4:00 pm. FML

Not a Bio major

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

Today, my daughter told me that my head is shaped like a kidney bean and that I'm lucky she even talks to me in public. She's 6. FML

As a treat

Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML

Sneaky

Today, while we were making love, he farted, then blamed it on his dog, who wasn't even in the room. The smell alone could have killed me. FML

Today, I was told that I may die by the time I'm 30, and that I should Google the disorder because he doesn't know what it is for sure. FML

Today, I got asked on a date. I was later told we had to cancel. Why? My ex is parked in front of his house and he is afraid to leave. FML

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

Today, I was making pudding and accidentally spilt some on the floor. I had no idea until I slipped in it, throwing the bowl of pudding on my head. My mom promised to take me to the hospital as soon as she got a picture. FML

Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML

Today, I began to walk across the street when I saw a very familiar old lady struggle across it. I walked over to help her, and only after she had blown her rape whistle and socked me in the nuts did she realize I was her grandson. FML

Today, I asked my daughter what time it was. She stared at the clock for several seconds before muttering, "I don't know". She's 14 years old and on the honour roll, and yet she can't tell the time on an analogue clock. FML

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

Today, I got more excited when two Kit-Kat bars fell at once in a vending machine than I did when I got married. FML