Miss In a relationship
Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML
Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML
Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML
Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML
Today, a customer called the restaurant I work at to ask if our coupons were always valid, or if they expired on the expiration date printed on them. FML
Today, a guy tried to pick me up with the line, "You're ugly. Just kidding. You're my date." FML
Today, I came home to a half-shaved dog and a laughing third grader. FML
Today, I bought my cat a fun toy at the one of a kind craft show. It has catnip in it, which he loves. He flipped out, so I took it away. He won't stop trying to break into the cupboard I put it in. My cat has a drug problem. FML
Today, I found out that every single picture that I have ever sent to my boyfriend, his father has also received. Every. Single. One. FML
Today, I went to my girlfriend's job to surprise her for lunch, her manager said she hasn't worked on a Saturday in two months. FML
Today, I caught my husband and the cat licking the butter together. FML
Today, I noticed I spend so much time with my cats that I tend to hiss at things that scare me or that I don't like. I'm turning into a cat. FML
Today, my husband got angry and stormed out of the house because he claims I wasn't pressing the buttons he told me to while playing Pokemon. FML
Today, at work, a customer told me that my teeth would make a very pretty necklace. FML
Today, I overheard my in-laws talking about me. It started off with light insults and ended with, "People like her are the reason murder ain't always wrong". FML
Today, I put one of those checkout dividers in front of my groceries on the conveyor belt in the supermarket. The guy standing in front of me turned around, looked me straight in the eye and said "I don't trust you." as he put a second divider between our groceries. FML
Today, I set my cup of coffee down on the stall floor to take care of my business. A hand reached under the stall door and took my coffee. I yelled to give it back, calling them obscene names. Moments later, my fresh coffee came flying over the door. I'm burned from my head to my legs. FML
Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, saying, "Congratulations, you have a new match." FML
Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML
Today, someone finally got the guts to punch my extremely rude mother in the face. My wife. FML
Today, I had been stress-eating a lot of junk food during finals week at college. I was feeling worried about my figure, and lifted up my shirt to see myself in the mirror. My boyfriend, who I didn't know was watching, promptly said, "Whoa babe, it looks like the condom broke!" FML
Today, my mom made me go to church choir rehearsal with her so I could sing "the gay" out of me. FML
Today, I was given the following pearls of wisdom: "My grandmother always told me, if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Anyway, she was a cunt and so are you." Thanks, dad. Thanks. FML
Today, I used my phone to take pictures of my hemorrhoids to show my doctor, forgetting I'd set my phone to upload all photos to a shared Dropbox account. My mother-in-law called. FML
Today, I found out why my history grade is so low: the kid in front of me takes my homework, writes his name on it, and passes it off as his own. FML
Today, I mistook a tree in my back yard as an intruder and called the police. FML
Today, I was bitched out by my shrew of a mother for getting engaged, to a man. She's not homophobic, but rather pissed off because gay marriage is "trendy" and she wants me to be "above that nonsense". Hurray for love. FML
Today, I put my 5 month-old daughter in her swinging chair and walked into the kitchen to make her a bottle. When I came back, she was giggling because the dog was licking her face. It would have been cute, picture worthy even, if I actually had a dog. FML
Today, my father is really enjoying the iPhone my mother gave him for Christmas. He's enjoying it so much that he's already installed all sorts of dating apps. FML
Today, my boyfriend's dad came onto me. I was shocked and awkwardly tried to exit the situation. My boyfriend then sprang out and started shouting at me. Apparently, it was a "test" to see if I would still be attracted to him in 30 years. I failed. What. The. Fuck. FML
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