Single
Today, feeling festive, I sent everyone on my phone's contact list a holiday message. Almost everyone replied back "who's this?" FML
Today, I discovered that my mom and her disgusting mess of a boyfriend refer to his penis as "the monkey." And she says that I hate him because I'M immature. FML
Today, I saw my boyfriend of two years had joined a group on Facebook called "Guys who are proud of their girlfriends". I smiled and was about to like it when I noticed a comment below from a girl saying, "Awww thanks babe :) xxxx." FML
Today, while helping my dad look for his watch, I found his porn collection. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally got a job. As a clown. FML
Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML
Today, my brother changed the password on my laptop so that I can't log into my profile. All my notes for school are on it and finals start on Monday. Guess who can't remember the new password. FML
Today, I went in to the doctor's thinking I had a bladder infection. I walked out knowing I'm pregnant. FML
Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML
Today, I filed my taxes. As a divorcée with children, I was supposed to get $3,500 back from the IRS. Alas, my ex's new wife already filed with my children, who don't live with her. I now owe the IRS $250. FML
Today, my grandpa who is staying with us mistook me for a Japanese soldier and started to hit me with a bat. This is the second night in a row. FML
Today, my motorcycle was stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, the thief drove past me. Twice. FML
Today, I work at McDonald's. The entire crew, myself included, got visibly excited that we had new trash cans and dust pans. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother slipping into a pair of panties. Specifically, a pair of my panties. FML
Today, I found cigarette butts at the bottom of the toaster. My mother has been dropping them in there for I don't know how long. FML
Today, I'm staying with my mother for a week. Every time I eat something, she tells me that it's "swimsuit season" and that I need to eat less. Every time I say I'm not hungry, she panics and insists I have an eating disorder. I can't win. FML
Today, my step dad stole over $400 worth of savings from me. He spent it on alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero. FML
Today, I found out that my engagement ring was actually my husband's ex-fiancée's. FML
Today, to save money, I bought some meat in bulk. When I got home, I was told that power to the neighborhood was out, and probably would be for days. Rather than let the meat rot, I barbecued it all and gave it away to my neighbors. The power came on while everyone was eating. FML
Today, my sister told me that she read that the pain of giving birth is equal to the pain of breaking 20 bones at once. I'm 19 weeks pregnant. FML
Today, my mom is marrying my ex boyfriend's dad. The same ex boyfriend who I caught cheating on me with my sister. Family gatherings are going to be such a joy! FML
Today, I'd just finished feeding my parrot and sweeping all the seeds under the cage. As I was walking away, my parrot whistled. I turned around to see him get up onto the food dish, pick up a clawful of food and toss it on the floor. FML
Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML
Today, my date threw a fit, burst into tears, and made a huge scene in the middle of a crowded restaurant, all because I offered to pay. FML
Today, I got a gift from my wife in the form of divorce papers. She waited till after New Year's so it wouldn't show up on her taxes for 2011. FML
Today, I had to explain to my 25-year-old boyfriend why we cannot get pet raccoons. This is not the first time we have had this conversation. FML
Today, after having a naked wrestle with my boyfriend, I discovered he'd left a skidmark on my stomach. FML
Today, I caught myself yelling at the girl in the porn I was watching for looking at the camera every other second. FML
Today, I installed an alarm app on my phone. Turns out, to unlock the phone and get the ringing to stop, I have to answer a maths question. It took me ten minutes to get it right. FML
Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML
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