Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML
Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML
Today, I got trapped in a glass elevator at the mall. My father walked right by the elevator, laughed and went into a store. A fireman got me out. FML
Today, I helped an elderly lady unscrew the cooling tank's cap from her smoking car. My reward? A scalding shower of toxic, pungent antifreeze that erupted moments after removing said cap. She didn't even thank me. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend posted on my boyfriend's Facebook wall. Apparently, I give awful blowjobs. FML
Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML
Today, for the first time all month I felt truly proud and accomplished. I finally figured out how to change the toilet seat. FML
Today, after searching for a job for over a year now, I finally got an interview. The pressure made me so nervous that I passed out in the middle of it. FML
Today, my 53 year-old art teacher told me she's excited about going clubbing this weekend. I'm excited about watching a special on the History Channel. FML
Today, my car ran out of gas. I was 20 feet away from the gas pump and the only person I could ask for help was the attendant, who'd asked me out a week ago. I'd said no, and so did he. FML
Today, I went shopping with my cousin. Walking down the road, I heard her say "Can you hold my hand?" I was confused, but thought it was cute, so I held her hand and kept walking. It turns out she'd asked me to hold her bag. We didn't say another word after that. FML
Today, I finally started my dream job. I turned up for work with a huge smile on my face. Imagine how much my face dropped when I saw that I had to share an office with the girl I stood up last weekend. FML
Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML
Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML
Today, I woke up face-down in my grandfather's driveway, soaking wet with no pants, glitter in my hair, and holding an empty Skippy peanut butter jar. No one will tell me what happened. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a well thought out, steamy, and sexy sext message. His reply? "Three bidders for my drums on eBay! Makiiin' Monaaaay!" FML
Today, I found out that my grandfather, who is a retired Marine, has paid real money to buy ALL the Lady Gaga themed items for his farm in FarmVille. I don't know what's worse, that he did it, or that I'm jealous of not having that stuff. FML
Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. Ten minutes after, he called me asking how to change his relationship status on Facebook. FML
Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML
Today, I woke up needing to wee. I was at my boyfriend's and didn't want to wake him, so I sat on the edge of the toilet and peed as quietly as possible. I realised after that I'd sat too far over and had peed on the floor. There was no loo paper. FML
Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML
Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML
Today, it was raining heavily. I saw a large puddle by the edge of the road near with a passing lady. Thinking it would be funny to splash her, I swerved to hit the puddle. The puddle was deeper than I thought. I lost control of the car, spun out, and hit two parked cars. FML
Today, I called my mom and I got voicemail: "Hello, this is Joyce. I'm not here at the moment, so leave a message and I will call back as soon as possible. Except if it's Sophie. If it is, get the hell out of my life, biiitch." I'm Sophie. FML
Today, while trying to sneak out of my house to go to a party I met my mom trying to sneak back in. FML
Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML
Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm, my boyfriend finally succeeded. It came from his car bumping up and down while we drove down a pot-holed road. FML
Today, I got piss drunk. Being a tattoo artist, I came to the intoxicated conclusion that I could save much more money doing my own tattoos on myself. I now have my ex-boyfriend's name permanently on my thigh. It's not even spelled right. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. When I got there, I found out that the guy was a ventriloquist and was going to use his puppet to talk to me. FML
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