34 years-old
Today, while cleaning the bathroom in a suite at the hotel I work at, I heard a couple come in, and then a marriage proposal. She said no, that she had been seeing someone else and left the room. I was then alone in the bathroom, listening to a grown man sob. FML
Today, I was working at my new job at a food court on campus. One of the supervisors came up to my station and told me that I "really look like someone who, through some miracle, accidentally found their way into college." He then threw a pickle at me. FML
Today, after a year and a half, I finally admitted to myself that I'm in an abusive relationship. Not with a person though. With my cat. FML
Today, my friend and his girlfriend got in a fight while drunk and he started walking home. While driving around looking for him, I accidentally hit him with my car. FML
Today, I farted in front of my husband for the first time in 26 years. He told our kids over email, and now they won't shut up about it. FML
Today, I went to a concert. Being 6'5" was a great advantage because I could see the stage from wherever I was stood. On the downside, I was used by people as a meeting point. FML
Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML
Today, I went out in a storm to collect my wheelie bin, which had flown down the street. On the way back to my house, I realised my door had slammed shut and locked behind me. That's okay though, a trampoline decided to smash my window and let me in. FML
Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML
Today, I got my first driving lesson from my dad. We traded seats, I started the car and his entire lesson was, "Go." FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML
Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML
Today, my mom was feeling down because of her gray hairs. In an attempt to cheer her up, I suggested that she dye them. Her hair turned orange. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML
Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML
Today, after a hard day on the wards as a trainee doctor, I went home and started getting frisky with my girlfriend. All I could think about was the anatomical names for what I was touching and doing. I felt physically sick. FML
Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML
Today, I switched from pads to tampons. It took me several botched attempts trying insert one before I succeeded, and now I feel like I've just raped myself. FML
Today, I came out to my father. He seemed to be totally okay with it, as long as I'm the "man" in my relationships. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend is a Mormon, when his mother greeted me saying how happy she was her son had found himself a Mormon girlfriend. I know nothing about Mormonism, except from what I've seen on South Park, and I'm an atheist. FML
Today, I broke my wrist when I got into a disagreement with a horse. FML
Today, I'm supposed to start my new job as a Crime Scene Tech. Instead, I managed to electrocute myself with my hairdryer. I'll now have to attempt to explain to them that I really am qualified to safely operate an electrostatic lifting device, and other expensive equipment. FML
Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML
Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML
Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML
Today, I played Call Of Duty online against someone who turned out to be wanking. FML
Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML
Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML
Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML
Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML
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