Today, I turned 21. It's also the day I learned how it feels to have my foot and leg set on fire by a drunken idiot who thought it was a great idea to splash lighter fluid into an open-pit bonfire. FML
Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML
Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went to pick her up from Santa's lap, my watch snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn't speaking to me. FML
Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML
Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher; I've already given students detention for falling asleep in class this year. FML
Today, I was on a date with a guy I've been crushing on. In the middle of the dinner, he said he had to go get something from his car. When I asked what it was, he smiled and said it was a surprise. I waited for my surprise for half an hour. Then I decided to pay the bill and go home and cry. FML
Today, I took off my sweatshirt in the middle of class. The tanktop I was wearing underneath went with it. FML
Today, I was sick, so I emailed my co-workers with a list of my hours, asking if anyone would be willing to cover them for me. I only got one hour covered, and that was during a day I don't even work. FML
Today, a hobo threw up on my car while at a red light. He then asked me for money. FML
Today, I was talking to my girlfriend over Skype. I said I loved her and hoped we would be together forever. She responded by singing Who Wants to Live Forever into her mic. FML
Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
Today, I accidentally cut myself while slicing some sponge cake. My husband's first reaction was to ask if the cake had gotten bloody or not. FML
Today, I went with my boyfriend to the optometrist for him to buy contact lenses for the first time. He said the detail was much better than glasses. I excitedly asked him if he could see my freckles better now, and after a long and disappointed look at my face, he said "Nope, just more acne." FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML
Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML
Today, I planned to go on a date with a man I met online. He came to my apartment to pick me up, and I told him I'd be right out as I grabbed my purse. When I got outside, he was gone. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML
Today, there is an annual solar eclipse. As I was buying the last pair of solar glasses to watch the eclipse with, some jerk snatched them out of my hands and bolted off with them. I now have to make the decision between watching the eclipse and not going blind. FML
Today, I realized the only reason my phone ever rings is because someone needs help with their computer. FML
Today, I joined a local interest website, hoping to make some friends in my area. I don't think I've ever met so many guys before who introduce themselves with pictures of their cocks. FML
Today, I had to sneak out of work to get my daughter from her school. Apparently, she had thought that hurling a bowling ball down the stairs during the lunch hour rush would make her cool. In actual fact, it made her expelled. FML
Today, I woke up to a glorious sunrise. I stood up, took a moment to soak up some sunlight, and then spent the next hour too scared to go make my morning coffee, after my mother loudly moaned, "Ah yeah, give it to me, Woody!" from down the hall. FML
Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML
Today, I drove my drunk sister home after a wild night of partying. She did not go to bed as I expected; instead, she laid in the bathtub and cried every time I left her. Now it's 3AM, and she's using her bra as a lasso for various objects in the room. The best part is I work in 4 hours. FML
Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML
Today, my sister asked me if I was going to be getting married "for real" this time, because she didn't want to waste her money like she did on my previous engagement. The reason that one didn't work out in the first place is because she slept with my fiancé. FML
Today, I got stung by jellyfish. As I was writhing in pain on the beach, my dad comes up and asks me to be quiet and that I'm embarrassing him. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to start an argument and storm off the train we were on. Two stops later, ticket inspectors hopped on the train. He had our tickets. FML
Today, on more than one occasion, I was mistaken for my boyfriend's mother, by his own family. FML
Today, I found out that just because you express mail something, it doesn't mean the post office won't still lose it. What did they lose? My signed marriage license. We spent all that time and money to get married on the day of our choosing, and our marriage isn't even valid. FML
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