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Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML

Today, I got bored on the toilet and decided to paint my nails. I ended up having to wait half an hour to wipe. FML

Today, at the urinal a guy came up next to me to do his business. He stared over at me, looked down, laughed and then left. FML

Today, my 4 year old niece asked me why I didn't have a job or wife. FML

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

Today, I played games on Barbie.com and gave up after 10 minutes. They were hard. FML

Today, on campus, these really overly-happy people walking around with big signs saying "free hugs". When I walked towards them, their smiles faded, and they put their signs down. FML

Social distancing

Today, I stood by the wall at a party while everyone else danced and ignored me. It was my birthday party. FML

Today, my professor, who was born without arms, asked somebody "need a hand?" There are over 300 students in that class and I was the only one laughing. FML

Today, my fiancée broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I'd forgotten my glasses and had a migraine. I was straining my eyes, squinting and rubbing my temples to alleviate my migraine. I was kicked out of the restaurant and banned henceforth because my waitress thought I was mocking her eyes. FML

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

Today, I got kicked in the face at a soccer game. Everybody clapped. FML

Today, a hot girl got into the elevator just as I took a bite out of my Three Musketeers bar. I instinctively smiled at her and chocolate drool poured out of my mouth. FML

Parasocial

Today, I went shopping with my sister. Looking for something to say, I told her how one of my friends had been burglarized. Then I realised it was Bree on Desperate Housewives. FML

Today, while I was taking a break at work, someone stole my iPod from my desk. I work in a police station. FML

Today, I noticed I have to lift up my fat to see my penis. FML

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML

Red flag

Today, I went to a neon-themed party. Standing by the UV light, I looked down and realised my pad was glowing through my tights. FML

Today, I found out that my husband made a replica of our family on The Sims 3. I also found out he killed me off a couple weeks ago and made a new wife, KiKi. FML

Bye!

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML

Today, I found out I was getting a new bed for my room. Then find out it was my great-grandmother's. The one she died in. FML

Today, I showed my boyfriend the new tattoo of a butterfly that I'd gotten on my lower back. He said, "It looks like it's flying when your rolls jiggle." FML

Today, I had my leaving party after work to celebrate getting a new job. 3 people turned up. I'd invited 35. FML

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

Today, some friends and I went to Cosmic Bowling where they have a blacklight. Everyone's teeth were glowing. Mine weren't. FML

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML