raelynn96

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

Size Queen

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

Today, I went to the carnival with a guy I like. When we went on the big scary ride where you flip upside down a lot, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then, I threw up on him. FML

Called out but accurate

Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, "I bet you don't have a boyfriend, do you?" FML

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

User review

Today, my ex-boyfriend posted on my boyfriend's Facebook wall. Apparently, I give awful blowjobs. FML

Today, while stuck in traffic on the highway, my 5 year-old in the back seat asked me why the man in the car next to us was pulling on the other man's "peepee". FML

Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that on his last visit, he snuck into the laundry and stole a lacy black thong he assumed was mine. It wasn't. It was my dad's. FML

Today, while walking in the city with my little sister, she let go of my hand. Not wanting to lose her, I quickly tried to grab it back. That resulted in me grabbing some 50 year-old man's junk. FML

What a cad!

Today, I was walking to get ice-cream with my boyfriend. When we were ordering our cone, the girl who was scooping it said to my boyfriend, "Hey I know you! You're the one who slept with my sister-in-law the other night." FML

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed. The lady who waxed my eyebrows also decided to pop the big zit on my forehead. She charged me a dollar extra. FML

Good news!

Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML

Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML

Today, at work, a weird old woman came up to me and told me that it's okay: being ugly isn't a choice, it's nothing to be ashamed of, and that it's what inside that counts. She then hugged me and walked away. FML

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

Man child

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

Whenever

Today, my girlfriend has a new obsession: grabbing my junk and whispering in my ear the song, "Baby, Imma Be Your Motivation." Problem? I get an instant boner and she only does it in public, because it's "funny as hell." FML

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML

Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML

Unwelcome

Today, my boyfriend told me that I can no longer sleep over at his house because his cat doesn't like it. FML

Today, I had to chase my naked brothers around my house for twenty minutes, trying to get them to take a bath, all while they were chasing my best friend around yelling, "IT'S WIENER TIME!" FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky in bed. He mumbled something that sounded like "I love you." I replied "I love you too baby", to which he laughed then said, "I said I wanted you to blow me." FML

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML