Today, I got my wisdom teeth taken out. The two male doctors told me they'd give me anesthesia, but when they did, I could still hear them. I heard them talking about my breasts and how flat they were for a 17 year old. FML
Today, while I was running in a cross country meet, a bug flew into my right eye. Then, a bug flew into my left eye. Not wanting to lose a neck-and-neck sprint, I tried to run blind. I hit a pole. FML
Today, I was in the elevator with my new boss. He asked things like "How are you?" "How's your day going?" and "What's for dinner?" I answered everything and tried to make small talk. I then noticed that he was wearing a bluetooth and was talking to someone else. FML
Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my Facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via Facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML
Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? "She's hot." FML
Today, I was waiting for a friend to pick me up. It was after dark and I was nervous, so when he pulled up I immediately jumped in the car. The young girl in the driver's seat started freaking out, screaming and punching me in the face repeatedly. I'd accidentally gotten in the wrong car. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML
Today, my boyfriend of over a year looked at me and said, "Sometimes I just want to hit you." FML
Today, I got fired from the job I'd had for eleven years for going onto Facebook while on the clock. When I got home, I saw that my boss had updated his status, from work, to "Finally fired that bitch." FML
Today, my 400 pound roommate brought home a 400 pound guy. Now there's 800 pounds of sex going on in the next room, and it sounds like the invasion of Normandy in there. FML
Today, I found out about my parent's divorce over Facebook. FML
Today, I wore my cheerleading uniform to my boyfriend's house. He was a nerd in high school and mentioned a fantasy about hooking up with a cheerleader. I started acting sassy and a little mean, figuring he would enjoy a more realistic experience. Apparently not, because he started to cry. FML
Today, I noticed my hidden porn folder on my laptop had been renamed to "LOL". I live with my teenage daughter, and no one else. FML
Today, I woke up to a homeless man relentlessly shitting on my porch. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a blow job for the first time. He posted it on Facebook and can't understand why I'm angry with him. FML
Today, I realized the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because he has a pimple fetish. FML
Today, while walking in the city with my little sister, she let go of my hand. Not wanting to lose her, I quickly tried to grab it back. That resulted in me grabbing some 50 year-old man's junk. FML
Today, I turned in an overdue English assignment at college. My instructor accused me of plagiarism, writing that my sentence structure was "TO" good. Seriously? FML
Today, one of my neighbors dressed up in the exact same costume as me. Every house I go to refuses to give me candy because my neighbor has already been there. FML
Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML
Today, I discovered that the word 'randy' means 'horny' in England. I'm going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML
Today, I hosted a "Night Out Against Crime" party at our local park. Only three people came, they robbed our fundraiser booth. FML
Today, my therapist clapped for me when I told her I'd made a friend. FML
Today, I got my braces put on. This is the second time I've had them. The first time was after my cousin opened a car door in my face. This time a jock punched me in the mouth for saying that Reese's taste the same as Snickers peanut butter. FML
Today, the subject of penis size came up while my boyfriend and I were chatting. He asked if he was big, and I replied that whatever size he was, he was enough to satisfy me. Apparently, that was the wrong answer, and he spent the rest of the night sulking because I didn't say he was enormous. FML
Today, my boyfriend went down on me with whiskey in his mouth. It felt like my genitals were on fire. FML
Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a woman asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ?" FML
Today, I had to re-grade a student's assignments because neither he, nor his parents can read "Spanish." I'd written in cursive. FML
Today, I overheard a girl and a guy sitting behind me on the bus who were talking about Skyrim, one of my favourite games. After a while, I turned around and, as a fellow gamer, thanked them for restoring my faith in humanity. They went very quiet. I'm now that weird guy on the bus. FML
Today, I passed a field where some kids were playing football. The ball rolled over in my direction, so they asked me to kick it over. I tried and failed three times, and ended up throwing it over, where it embarrassingly landed about 2 feet away. They had to come over and get it. FML
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