tootall2breathe

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

Even more lonely now

Today, my parents left on a trip. I wanted to invite my girlfriend over for a few days so we could spend them together. Then my grandparents turn up, "just for a few days, until your parents return, so you won't be all alone in this big house." FML

Today, I called my mum, crying because of my low self-esteem. She interrupted my sobs by saying, "Can I hang up now? The phone's getting hot." FML

Today, while I was sneaking a boy out of my room at 2am, I ran into my mom sneaking a man into her room. FML

Impressive

Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML

Today, my apartment was robbed by my landlord. Her logic? "I own the building, and therefore everything in it." That TV cost more than my rent. FML

Today, my boyfriend thought it was a good show of etiquette to answer a text message from his ex, while he was still inside me. FML

Today, after weeks of intense studying with the intent of pulling my grades up, I saw that in fact, they've all gone down. FML

Today, feeling desperate, I asked my dad for advice on how to get a girl. He asked me why I want to even date. I panicked and said I just wanted to make someone happy. He told me that if I wanted to make someone happy, I should "just start by getting a goddamn vasectomy". FML

Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML

Today, I had food poisoning. When I was finally able to drag myself to the kitchen for some Gatorade, I got stung by a wasp. FML

Today, I got tasered by a cop. It was his second day on the job. My crime? Sneezing during a sobriety test. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

Today, I had a dream I was on the toilet taking the longest piss known to man. Unfortunately, it was partially true. FML

Today, I received a box in the mail from my mom which I assumed was a care package. It was a scale to encourage me to lose weight. FML

Today, it was beautiful out. I decided to play guitar at the park near my house. I left my guitar case open, asking not for money but for feedback. I got two pieces of paper with feedback: 1) You're fat. 2) Get a life. FML

Perfect timing

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered, "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you!" He broke up with me on speaker. FML

Today, I was texting my girlfriend about cross dressing and I said, "It would be hard for me to conceal my weapon." She instantly replied, "Not really, it's like finding a needle in a haystack, you'll be alright." FML

Today, for the second time this week, I had to ask my 27-year-old husband to stop peeing on the toilet seat. FML

Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML

Thanks buddy

Today, I posted on Facebook saying I'm in a new relationship. One of my buddies said, "You're cheating on Jill?" My girlfriend saw this and went completely nuts, not giving me a chance to explain that "Jill" is just a euphemism for your hand. FML

Leave Me Alone

Today, I woke up for the third time in a row from a wet dream about my ex-girlfriend. I'm currently on my honeymoon. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, when his sister knocked on the door and asked if she could borrow the zombie movie we were watching after we were done with it. We weren't watching a movie; I was just moaning. FML

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

Slipped

Today, I went to my Christian accountability partner from church to talk about continuing to maintain Christian values. We had sex. Oh, the irony. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML

Today, my new roommate took a shower. This would be a good thing, except for the fact that it's apparently taken her two months just to take this one. I have to live with her for another year. FML

Today, I took a pregnancy test. I waited the longest two minutes of my life just to realize I missed the stick. FML

Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

Hangry sex

Today, during sex, my boyfriend stopped and asked if he could eat a sandwich while we do it. FML