Miss Single
Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML
Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML
Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML
Today, I was stuck at the airport overnight waiting for my flight for about 5 hours. I then went and looked at the departures board. It said that my flight had already departed. FML
Today, my only motivation to get out of bed was cupcakes in the refrigerator. FML
Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML
Today, I had a completely normal work day. Other than the fact that my boss dressed up like the lead singer from KISS and hit us with a foam sword at random. My boss is 49. FML
Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML
Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML
Today, I found out the reason why my therapist was so nice to me all of the time. Apparently, she is afraid that I'm going to stab her if she pisses me off. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that having sex with me was as good as eating crispy bacon. I don't know if I should feel complimented. FML
Today, my roomate informed me that her snake was missing in our apartment again. Apparently, I need to be careful because the snake's attracted to blood. I'm on my period. FML
Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML
Today, I anxiously waited 8 hours for an important phone call. The phone rang while I was sitting on the toilet. FML
Today, I realized the universal beauty that can be found in a pancake. I'm not sure if I have reached spiritual enlightenment, or if I should have my head examined. FML
Today, I realized the closest thing I've had to an intimate relationship with a female is the one I have with my cat. Even then, she ignores me. FML
Today, I picked up my driver's licence and my keys off the floor at the same time, using only my toes. This was the highlight of my day. FML
Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during my solo. FML
Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML
Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML
Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML
Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML
Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML
Today, I took off my sweatshirt in the middle of class. The tanktop I was wearing underneath went with it. FML
Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I "mowed my lawn." Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, "No, my dad does." FML
Today, I found out that the only thing worse than a psycho, overbearing, controlling girlfriend is a psycho, overbearing and controlling ex-girlfriend. FML
Today, I had to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about his Miley Cyrus obsession. FML
Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML
Today, I realized the $40 iPhone case I bought to keep my new phone from getting scratched, scratched my iPhone. FML
Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML
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