angel9413

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

Today, my friend and I dressed up as dice for Halloween. The rest of the night consisted of us, harassed by drunks asking, 'Can we roll you around?' and constantly being shaken. FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

Let me Slytherin

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

Troubling

Today, whilst pleasuring myself in my bedroom, I began absent-mindedly staring at a spider on the ceiling. It wasn't until the point of climax that I realised that I was, in effect, masturbating over a spider. FML

Cute but annoying

Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML

Today, I looked deep into my wife's eyes and told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Her reply was, "Clean your glasses." FML

Today, my dad told me he had been seeing someone for a while and has decided to marry her. When I met her, her son looked familiar. I lost my virginity to him. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to unlock my garage door. After shouting several profanities, my roommate walked up to me, turned the key the other way, and unlocked it. FML

Interrogation

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing my dad said to him was "So, how low have you kissed?" FML

Today, my dad’s best friend, who has been his business associate for the past 28 years, took me to a Star Wars store for my 18th birthday. He put on a Darth Vader helmet, and imitating his voice, said: "I am your father." I laughed. It wasn’t a joke. FML

The truth

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

Today, I went to the hospital to visit my aunt and her newborn baby. The receptionist gave me the room number, and I went and my aunt was in the bathroom so I cuddle the baby, only to find that the woman who came out of the bathroom was a complete stranger. I was holding her baby. FML

Timing is important

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met at my friend's party. He stopped mid-thrust, climbed off, and started talking about how nervous he is about buying his first car next week. FML

Tasty!

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML

Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML

Take a chill pill

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML

Today, I treated my mom to a movie and lunch after she'd attended weeks of AA meetings. She snuck in a flask to the movie, and during lunch, she started calling people muggles. FML

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

Today, while having sex, I thought I was having an orgasm for the first time. Turns out I was just hyperventilating. FML

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to try something new. By something new, it was to put flour in my butt and see what would happen if I farted. FML

Ah, young love…

Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML

Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML

Today, my boyfriend pulled on my pubes and made 'engine starting' noises. This was his attempt at foreplay. FML

Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML

Natural

Today, I was watching Animal Planet while babysitting my 4 year-old niece. A really cute baby bunny came on and I called her into the room, only for her to see it get killed by a Bald Eagle. Now she won't stop crying. FML