Oak Hill, United States 33 years-old
Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML
Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML
Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML
Today, I was rushed to the emergency room. Apparently, there is only one serious side effect of getting your tonsils out when you're an adult, which is only seen in about 1% of patients: bleeding of the throat. It can be deadly. I'm part of that 1%. FML
Today, after applying sunscreen to myself every two hours, I still got sunburned. Through my clothes. FML
Today, my daughter somehow got a hold of the lighter we keep on top of the fridge. I found this out when she snuck up behind me and thought it would be fun to set my hair on fire. FML
Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML
Today, after falling on my way out the door, hitting a bird with my car, and sitting in an hour and a half of traffic, I remembered I had the day off work. FML
Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML
Today, I have come to the point in my life where I need to Google how to stop excessive back sweat. FML
Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML
Today, I got stuck driving behind a rather large motorcyclist on a one way road for 30 miles. For those 30 miles, I had a full view of his back fat rolls and butt crack. FML
Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML
Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML
Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML
Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML
Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML
Today, I was jamming out and playing some air guitar. I somehow managed to knee myself directly in my left eye socket. I now have a hideously swollen face and a black eye. When people ask me what happened, I'll be hesitant to tell the truth. FML
Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML
Today, my son had to call me from his school's principal's office because he was disrupting his health class by laughing whenever the teacher said "Sex". My son is 16. FML
Today, I went to a party dressed as a zombie. Everyone admired my hilarious "zombie dancing". Those were my regular dance moves. FML
Today, I came home to my boyfriend emptying his bowels into my aquarium. FML
Today, I finally got enough money to buy the car I wanted for a year now. It was stolen today too. I had my car for 4 hours. FML
Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML
Today, I have to take a midterm, which is worth a large part of my grade. All our teacher has taught us so far is how to roast s'mores over a Bunsen burner, and how to make gummy bears explode. Our test is on kinetics. FML
Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML
Today, my loyalty and regularity at my local pizza place were noticed. The delivery guy, when bringing yet another order, asked me if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were living with me. FML
Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend twice. Apparently, the first time she thought I was kidding. FML
Today, at work, my boss made me go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML
Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML
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