Youdintneestoknoe, Youdontneedtoknow
Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML
Today, my son is going through a rebellious phase. He's taken to wearing leather and chains, listening to death metal music all day in his room alone, and screaming at me in public places. He was fired from his part-time job for swearing at customers. My son is 29 years old. FML
Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML
Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML
Today, I was playing tetherball with my younger brother. I get really competitive, so I threw it as hard as I could. It came around and hit me in the face. FML
Today, I woke up to my two year old crawling in bed with me and saying, "I poop". Normally this would be ok, but this morning she decided she didn't need a diaper. FML
Today, my daughter told me that my head is shaped like a kidney bean and that I'm lucky she even talks to me in public. She's 6. FML
Today, my boyfriend of five years proposed to me in front of my entire family. He later confessed that it was part of a dare with his friends because, "There was no way you'd say yes." Guess who has to explain this to all my relatives? FML
Today, while at Costco, I was eating a hotdog when I saw a really hot guy walking over. Trying to be sexy, I bit my hotdog cutely and winked. I ended up choking and dropping the ketchup covered hotdog all over my lap. FML
Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML
Today, I surprised my girlfriend with roses. She surprised me by getting back together with her ex. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to climb up to my third story window in the early hours of the morning. Just before he got to the top, he slipped and fell to the ground. My dad had to drive him to the hospital at 3am. FML
Today, I got asked out for the first time in my life. During a prank call. By a complete stranger. FML
Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML
Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to pick my nose. FML
Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML
Today, while we were making love, he farted, then blamed it on his dog, who wasn't even in the room. The smell alone could have killed me. FML
Today, my brother got a pet ferret. He told me it had a flexible spine, so I bent it backwards. It farted, and clawed my face. FML
Today, I had the most exciting dream of my life. I was dreaming about catching a shiny charmander. I'm 15, and instead of dreaming of girls, I'm dreaming of Pokémon. FML
Today, I got asked on a date. I was later told we had to cancel. Why? My ex is parked in front of his house and he is afraid to leave. FML
Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML
Today, I actually resorted to checking the newspaper obituaries to see where the deceased were employed, just so I can find a job opening. FML
Today, as I was going to bed, I spotted a man staring at my window from a neighbor's yard. Ten minutes later, he was still there. I freaked out, started crying, and contemplated calling the cops. My creeper turned out to be the neighbor's wooden lawn ornament. FML
Today, I asked my mother to pay back the $50 she owes me. Rather than paying me back, she raced off to "work". She's been unemployed for 3 years. FML
Today, I broke my collarbone in a rugby tournament. I was forced to sit through five more hours of games because the coach wouldn't take me to the hospital until the tournament was over. FML
Today, the driver's side window of my car was busted, and inside was a note that said, "Sorry, thought this was my car." FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML
Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML
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