krystiya

Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML

Driving school dropout

Today, as I was pulling into my driveway, I hit my fence. The same fence that I had repaired last week because I had run into it. FML

Today, I had to explain to my 65-year-old mother that it is inappropriate for her to walk around in front of me in her underwear. Her response? "Too bad." FML

Today, after having a naked wrestle with my boyfriend, I discovered he'd left a skidmark on my stomach. FML

Today, after over a year of lifestyle changes and a ritualistic exercise regime, I finally reached my goal weight. I excitedly told my boyfriend, and he responded, "Yeah, that's nice, but now your tits are tiny". FML

Today, I found my boyfriend passed out on the floor. Then I passed out, due to anxiety of seeing him passed out. FML

Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML

Today, I put on a pair of sneakers that I'd left outside, and went jogging. After several minutes of pain, I pulled off one of the sneakers, only to find dozens of baby spiders had moved in. FML

Today, I came out to my father. He seemed to be totally okay with it, as long as I'm the "man" in my relationships. FML

High times

Today, I went on a date to the zoo. I soon found out that my date had eaten several hash brownies before entering. FML

Today, my kitchen nearly burned down because the fire alarm didn't detect the plumes of smoke wafting through the kitchen. This is the same alarm that wails when I use the toaster. FML

Today, my boyfriend shared with me his anxiety about death, so I shared with him one of my ridiculously irrational fears. He thought I was making fun of him and now won't talk to me. FML

Double take

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, "You know, sometimes, you look like Kevin Spacey." FML

Today, I found out the girl I've been fooling around with for two weeks has a boyfriend, who is in jail, and is a member of the Aryan Brotherhood. FML

Spooked

Today, I started my new job as a dishwasher, and was very excited since I've been broke for weeks. A few people dined and dashed, apparently for the first time in the restaurant's history. My boss is superstitious. She fired me. FML

Today, my school's 6'2, 270-pound, 375-pound bench-pressing football superstar knocked me unconscious in one hit. With a dodgeball. FML

Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunk daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML

Today, I explained to my dad that I think I have a vaginal infection. I asked if he could take me to the doctor. He responded by saying, "Just shove some ice up there. It'll go away." FML

Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML

Today, I was transporting liquor between stores for work. A car pulled out and cut me off, causing me to slam on my brakes. My car stopped. The 200 dollars-worth of booze did not. FML

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

Today, like every other day, my boss referred to my breasts as pillows he needs to nap on. FML

Today, I got fired. My coworker decided to imitate my voice, stand outside of my boss's office door, and say insulting things about his daughter. FML

Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook "Someone should kidnap me for the day." My mom commented, "The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they'd mistaken you for a cow." 16 people liked her comment. FML

Today, I was at Disneyland with a friend. We were watching the light show, and when Tinkerbell came out, we both started crying. Some guy noticed and called us "fucking pussies". FML

Today, while I was out shopping, my pants decided that they just didn't have enough holes in them, and ripped a new one in the crotch. FML

Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML

Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML

Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML

That one weird kid

Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know…" and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML