Mr YOUR, MOM
Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML
Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML
Today, as a prank, a friend and I tied a 10 dollar bill to a fishing line, and yanked it away from people as they reached for it. It was going really well until one of our victims pulled a knife and chased us around the block. FML
Today, on the school bus, I rapped on a window in an attempt to get my friend's attention. A guy sitting behind me took this as an opportunity to shove my face into the window, breaking my nose. FML
Today, I was driving along when the car in front of me ran over an animal. I only realised this when a chunk of flesh and blood landed on my windscreen. I put my wipers on to get rid of it but instead it got stuck underneath the wipers and smeared all over the screen. FML
Today, while tanning on a family cruise, I woke up to a crowd of people staring at me in disgust. Apparently, I'd fallen asleep, developed a boner, and started french-kissing the air. I had to sit through both the surveillance tapes and a grand bollocking from security in the aftermath. FML
Today, I realized my mom cares more about Kurt's bullying problem on Glee than she does for mine. FML
Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML
Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML
Today, I skipped school and stayed home without telling my parents. My mom came home on her lunch break with another man, and had sex in our living room. I'm stuck in my room, listening to my mom cheat on my dad. FML
Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML
Today, there was a 4 year-old boy behind me on my flight. When I looked at him, he screamed playfully and hid. I decided to play tiger with him. While I was grinning like a tiger and trying to scratch him, he smashed a water bottle across my face. I now have a black eye. FML
Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex-husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML
Today, while driving my new car, a squirrel ran in front of me so I slammed on my brakes. The person behind me didn't notice and rear-ended me. The squirrel got hit by a car going the opposite direction. FML
Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML
Today, the pipe in the dining room sink suddenly broke open and in about 15 minutes my entire apartment was turned into an indoor swimming pool. The worst part? I was there the entire time, playing video games with my headphones on. FML
Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML
Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML
Today, my girlfriend made me watch six hours of "Glee" with her. I don't know what I hate the most, the fact that I actually sat there and watched it or that I'm angry at Finn for breaking up with Rachel. FML
Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML
Today, my husband and I had just got over a big argument, and I asked him to cut me some cucumbers for my eyes to help me relax. I was laying down, eyed closed, and he set them on my eyes. They weren't cucumbers, they were lemons. FML
Today, I opened my new clothing store. My only customer was my mom and the only reason she came in was to tell me that someone stole my sign. FML
Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year-old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML
Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I looked pretty. I said, "Aww, that's the first time you've said that to me." He replied, "Well, it's the first time you've looked pretty." FML
Today, I got asked on a date. I was later told we had to cancel. Why? My ex is parked in front of his house and he is afraid to leave. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML
Today, I actually resorted to checking the newspaper obituaries to see where the deceased were employed, just so I can find a job opening. FML
Today, as I was going to bed, I spotted a man staring at my window from a neighbor's yard. Ten minutes later, he was still there. I freaked out, started crying, and contemplated calling the cops. My creeper turned out to be the neighbor's wooden lawn ornament. FML
Today, my dad forgot me at cross country practice. When he got there two hours late, instead of apologizing, he said, "Hey, that's only the third time I've forgotten you at practice. You should be congratulating me." FML
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