Miss Westerville, USA 32 years-old Single
Today, stepping on a scale for the first time in years, I had to lift up my stomach to see the number. FML
Today, I was riding the subway, reading a book, when a woman suddenly shoved a flyer over my book. Aghast by her rude gesture, I declined to take the paper. I looked over and noticed it was a flyer for a missing girl. FML
Today, a stoplight dropped square into the bed of my pickup truck. The police think I was attempting to steal it, and my insurance won't cover the damage to my truck. There were no witnesses. FML
Today, I'd had it with my mom's addiction to weed, so I told her to choose between me or the weed. I'm currently looking on Craigslist for an apartment. FML
Today, my mother sold my extensive Star Wars collection, and I cried when I found out. I'm 46. FML
Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML
Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML
Today, after I sent around 300 entries to a competition hosted by a deodorant company where the main prize is a trip to Hawaii, spending around 5 hours sending the entries, I won a deodorant. FML
Today, the heating in my house broke down. I called my boyfriend and asked if I could stay at his place until I could get it fixed. He said no, and told me my overgrown leg hair would keep me warm. FML
Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML
Today, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed. One side of my face is completely swollen, and the other is normal. I feel like the elephant man. FML
Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML
Today, I went to the movies with my friends. All throughout, some guy kept making weird sounds and breathing deeply. Midway through the movie, he got even louder. Just as I was about to snap, chunks of vomit sprayed over my chair and shoulders. FML
Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML
Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML
Today, my boyfriend texted me and said I had forgotten my blue bra. I don't have any blue bras. FML
Today, the cute guy in my class asked if I wanted to come over to his house to "study" on Saturday for our finals. I went to his house expecting a good time. He actually wanted to study. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML
Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML
Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML
Today, my mom took my cell to work with her. When she got home later, she scolded me for not answering her calls. When I pointed out that she'd taken it, she grounded me for "talking back". FML
Today, I flew to Dubai, en route to my new job in Afghanistan. Both of my bags were lost, my debit card was frozen in London, the next flight was cancelled, and I can't get a hotel room. I'm in the richest city in world with no money and no room. Happy New Year. FML
Today, my friend set me up with a cute guy who is very germaphobic. So, I spent four hours cleaning my apartment. Two minutes into the date, I sneezed. He politely told me he wasn't feeling well and left. FML
Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my drunk, naked uncle pouring olive oil over himself and rubbing it in. FML
Today, I was going over to my friend's house for the first time. A creepy-looking old man answered, and smiled at me. I asked, "Is this the right house? Does Isaac live here?" He replied, "Yes, he's in the basement. Would you like a drink?" Right then, Isaac called and asked me where I was. FML
Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML
Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was the police station informing me that my elderly grandmother has been arrested for indecent exposure. FML
Today, I woke up after a long night of partying. When I went to wash off my face, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My missing tooth was almost enough to make me overlook my black eye. FML
Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML
Today, I decided to write a romantic email to my boyfriend describing how much I love and miss him. An hour later, I got an email back saying, "I think we need to discuss this." It seems I sent it to my teacher by mistake. FML
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