Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my... - FML

By Scarred4Life - 1/1/2012 06:18 - United States

Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my drunk, naked uncle pouring olive oil over himself and rubbing it in. FML

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Messed up

Fashion Police

This is fine

By Ann - 18/3/2013 14:36 - United States

Works out well

Today, my boyfriend informed me that from now on during sex, I have to be on top at all times, saying I need the exercise more than him. As offensive as this was, I was actually happy because he's crap on top. FML

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By hazlanz216 - 6/10/2011 22:28 - Canada

Today, I was suspended from work. Some lady went to the manager and told them that I was stalking her, all because I would kindly greet her everyday at the grocery store. I'm the cashier. FML

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By InDisbelief - 12/4/2013 20:17 - United States - Racine

Today, my girlfriend's parents were out of town, so I stayed the night, hoping for some fun. Somehow, we started talking about conspiracy theories, and she spent the next half hour ranting at me about how Osama bin Laden is really still alive. FML

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By toothache - 14/5/2013 12:03 - United States - Morton Grove

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth filled. The nurse just finished taking my info when the doctor came in and started drilling. Through my chorus of screams he realized he'd forgotten to numb me. His only response was, "Guess I forgot to numb ya, huh?" while giggling. FML

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By Foot In Mouth - 13/7/2016 02:46 - United States - Bentonville

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

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By rawr - 20/4/2011 14:15

Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML

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By Alice - 24/10/2012 16:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I passed out while I was with my boyfriend in his garden. I woke up on the concrete just outside his house. Apparently, he'd tried to carry me in, but because he was too weak, he gave up and went to watch TV. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2011 09:30 - Australia

Today, I was on train when an attractive girl got on. There were no free seats and seeing as how my stop was next, I gave her mine. As soon as I did, the train came to an immediate halt, due to "brake problems". I spent the next 40 minutes standing up. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML

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By damn-it - 22/2/2009 06:41 - Australia

Today, my Grandma was showing me an ancient family letter. It was apparently written by someone historically famous. She was going on about how important it was, in such good condition too, worth a lot. I dropped my glass of juice. It spilt all over it. FML

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By babasheep - 20/6/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, after dieting and working out for almost 3 months, I sit down on my chair to finish off some work. It broke. FML

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By Creeped out - 28/1/2013 08:14 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML

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By CorpDrone - 3/11/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I came in to work and found the conference room white boards completely clean. My assistant wiped all the white boards where I spent 10 hours writing schedule for the next three months. I was going to meet with all supervisors to finalize that schedule today. FML

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By not getting any - 31/3/2020 08:00

Weeks?

Today, I’m allergic to all forms of hormonal birth control, and due to the virus outbreak, I can’t get my implant replaced. We’re in quarantine, and my boyfriend and I just used our last condom. It’s going to be a long couple of weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2014 02:39 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, an old guy phoned the cops on my daughter because she was drawing with chalk on the sidewalk. Apparently, he thinks it's vandalism. FML

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By arrrrggggghhhh - 4/3/2009 23:38 - United States

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML

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By don't get paid enough for this - 11/7/2015 02:20 - United States - Youngstown

Today, while at my shitty, minimum wage job at McDonalds, a guy walked out of the bathroom. He said "Good luck in there." worriedly, then left. I don't know if it was his handiwork, but it looked like a shit grenade had detonated. It was even on the walls. FML

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By really? - 1/9/2015 19:43 - United States

Today, I got a notice from the housing association, if I don't water my lawn I will be charged a $150 fine. Yet if I do water my lawn the city with charge me a $150 fine because of the drought. FML

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By elliekilroy - 11/12/2010 00:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I picked up my friend's new kitten so enthusiastically I scared it and it shat all over me. I literally scared the shit out of it. FML

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By awwman - 10/4/2012 02:33 - United States

Today, my dad found out that there is a free, 24 hour, 7 days a week religious channel. Now that's all he watches. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2015 08:44

Today, my brother woke me up by trying to light my bed on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2014 15:54 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, I learned that the house I've been living in and paying rent for the past two months was never advertised as vacant. I learned this when the actual homeowners walked in, and called the police for an "intruder." FML

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By IllJustGetYouASweaterThen - 4/8/2010 07:58 - United States

Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML

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By knews - 18/3/2010 04:46 - United States

Today, my mom sent me beautiful candlesticks along with some half burned candles. I thanked her. She told me the candlesticks were a wedding gift to my grandmother 85 years ago. Then she said the candles were used at my grandma's wedding. I had already lit them. FML

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By beyondembarrassed - 5/5/2013 05:44 - United States

Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML

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By notwhatithought - 21/8/2015 19:43 - Germany - Erlangen

Today, the professor I've had a crush on informed me that there's only one way left I could still pass his course. Thinking this was an attempt to flirt with me, I told him I'd do anything he could imagine. He then looked confused when he asked me to write an essay. FML

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By One Angry Vegan - 3/6/2017 12:00

Today, marks 2 weeks since I got Oral Allergy Syndrome, a.k.a. randomly becoming allergic to apples, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, grapes, mangos, carrots, celery, beets, sunflower seeds, fennel, my toothpaste, and more things I just haven't tried yet. I'm vegan. FML

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By NickDrakeFan - 29/10/2013 01:57 - United States

Today, I overcame my stage fright and got up in front of a café audience with my acoustic guitar to sing a few of my songs. Some asshat kept yelling stuff like "NEEDS MORE COWBELL!" and "FREEBIRD!", which made me lose my nerve and flee. FML

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By - 27/11/2019 18:00 - United States

My electric toothbrush

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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By alltimelove - 18/11/2010 15:34

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

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By ilovemypup - 31/10/2016 11:20

Today, while at my job in a candy store, a boy stuck his hand into the bin, contaminating the candy. As I politely explained that the dad had to purchase the affected candy he refused, yelled, then angrily agreed to buy them. The total cost of the candy with the extra pieces? $1.69. FML

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By UkuleleTime - 10/6/2015 05:25 - United States - Garner

Today, I worked in a shoe store. As I was removing the shoes off an older man I felt a squish, and pulled back my hand to see brown and yellow. The man then looked at me and said, "Looks like I missed a spot." Dog crap. FML

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By Seriously - 15/6/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, my son's homework was to write a story about what he wants to be when he grows up. He wrote that he plans on being unemployed and living at home until we throw him out, then he'll live under a bridge. He's only 12, but already planning for a future as an unemployed bum. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 18:50 - United States - La Porte

Today, the father of my unborn child told me he isn't sure he'll be able to make it to the birth, since there's no guarantee of when it will happen, so he can't schedule time off. This would be understandable if he actually had a job. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 12:00

Mind your own business

Today, I heard a man call a girl a r*tard. Furious, I stormed up to him and demanded he apologize for using such a vile slur. The girl started laughing her ass off and said, "Mind your own business, r*tard." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2014 17:58 - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend of 3 years believes sex before marriage or even me just jacking off is a big no, doing online strip-shows for money is a big yes for her. Both times that I've proposed, she claimed she isn't "ready" for marriage. FML

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By wow - 28/5/2014 23:08 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my mother told me that I was "made" in the bathroom of the store I work at now. She even pointed out which stall. FML

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By Detroitman125 - 10/11/2018 03:00

Today, my parents told me that they think I've gone off the deep end. I don't drink or take drugs. What did I do? I got McDonald's a couple times after school. FML

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By eliinu - 2/9/2016 02:45 - United States - Middlesboro

Today, my aunt said that it looked like I lost some weight. I was pleased with this, since I've been trying to lose some. My mom, for some reason, thought it was insulting. She pulled me to aside to assure me that I most definitely don't look any skinnier. FML

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By amused - 23/6/2014 21:26 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I looked at my bank balance. It read $1.23. That's higher than it usually is. FML

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Top comments

By elinhjortskull | 7

#3815017 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:09

He's sexy and he knows it.

By GoWithTheFro | 9

#3815010 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:07

Well, at least it's been a memorable year.

COMMENTS

By Jkolbly | 11

#3815008 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:07

Was he in the living room or did you walk in a bedroom? And why were you staring, was it interesting?

Reply

afulks78 | 11

#3815151 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

kyarush | 10

#3815179 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:02

Well I kissed a beautiful girl(: looks like we both had a good time! Thumbs up if you had a good new year!

Reply

gojira666 | 7

#3815202 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:12

Jesus fuck.

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3815207 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:18

Jesus Fuck, the new god for the pornography religion: Pornism.

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3815251 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:58

38, you know, hash tags don't work on here.

Reply

RaggleFrock | 13

#3815293 - Sunday 1 January 2012 14:32

Does your uncle have a mustach?

Reply

kyarush | 10

#3815536 - Sunday 1 January 2012 17:05

Well I guess you fuckers had a bad night

Reply

lindseykcool | 6

#3816440 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:19

Well, OP, you didn't HAVE to watch.. :P

Reply

eurostar710 | 11

#3822578 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 3:07

This would be from Maryland. Courtney, is that you? Haha. (I'm from MD too)

Reply

Jakey00 | 0

#3823102 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 6:27

Don't say Jesus and Fuck in the same sentance...

Reply

eurostar710 | 11

#3825787 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 21:22

126- anyone can say anything that they want. You get no say in the matter. It's called free speech. Jesus fuck Jesus fuck Jesus fuck. Jesus ass. Jesus dick.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6191815 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 5:06

I love you, 128.

By GoWithTheFro | 9

#3815010 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:07

Well, at least it's been a memorable year.

Reply

poopyfacegirl | 28

#3815049 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:18

Well...

Reply

cocofruity123 | 0

#3815055 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:22

Yeah, great memories...

Reply

Danny0522 | 8

#3815398 - Sunday 1 January 2012 15:49

I dont see the problem with this FML

Reply

geon_olam | 17

#3815534 - Sunday 1 January 2012 17:04

Obviously OP is upset cuz the uncle was using up all the olive oil and there was none left for the salad. Learn to read between the lines, man!

Reply

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3816434 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:16

And at least her uncle is now buttery soft and 120% more huggable naked.

Reply

NanillaVipples | 2

#3818477 - Monday 2 January 2012 7:19

And that's a crazy first few seconds for 2012!

Reply

richards621 | 9

#4096179 - Monday 27 February 2012 15:27

this might be the best comment i've ever seen on here?

By Cleo_Nemo_ | 9

#3815011 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:07

Interesting family you have.

Reply

Betz | 10

#3815133 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:44

Did olive the other relatives stare too?

Reply

Cleo_Nemo_ | 9

#3815209 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:19

Who knows. ;)

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3816386 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:03

Orange you glad he didn't try to hug you?

By jbaby69 | 0

#3815013 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:08

That's hot

Reply

SecretMe00 | 5

#3815413 - Sunday 1 January 2012 15:54

Oooooooo so so hot

Reply

Zeppelin1969 | 5

#3817534 - Monday 2 January 2012 1:55

I just threw up a little.

By elinhjortskull | 7

#3815017 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:09

He's sexy and he knows it.

Reply

Honziie | 1

#3815189 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:07

The visual is amazing

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3815417 - Sunday 1 January 2012 16:06

Are you imagining your drunk naked uncle with a Jew-fro dancing to this? Because that doesn't sound amazing...

Reply

ClassyCommando | 13

#3819756 - Monday 2 January 2012 9:51

The real FML here is that OP did not have the presence of mind to pit this on YouTube.

Reply

CABOOSE8563 | 0

#3819874 - Monday 2 January 2012 10:19

Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle

By mstangchck | 9

#3815018 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:09

FYL indeed

By bobthebuilder33 | 3

#3815025 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:12

Sounds deece.

By ninjaboy18 | 6

#3815027 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:13

Better than my last few seconds of 2011..

Reply

fancyclown | 9

#3815177 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:02

And everyone sitting at home on facebook for the last few seconds, while hovering their mouse curser over the post button on a "Happy New Years!" status.

Reply

Zoranius | 6

#3817448 - Monday 2 January 2012 1:42

OR you just do it on your smartphone?

By luckyd880 | 12

#3815030 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:14

At least it's a new year so you can put the past behind you.

Reply

jaylepinos | 0

#3815572 - Sunday 1 January 2012 17:20

You have such beauriful eyes young lady

Reply

boo_bee_fur_me | 2

#3815946 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:06

Holy fuck that was great ^

By IKickPuppiesHard | 16

#3815033 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:14

It's hard to rub the oil in the middle of your back; did you help him out?