Miscellaneous: Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my... - FML

By Scarred4Life - United States

Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my drunk, naked uncle pouring olive oil over himself and rubbing it in. FML

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Vulture

Out of the frying pan

Kick the bum out, part 2

By annoym - United States

Today, I spent my day creating a new type of laugh, and performing it in my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I had to explain to a coworker that "the little red X" next to the email title she's been pushing out of curiosity is actually the delete button. Then, I had to restore the dozen emails she'd deleted even after I told her to stop. She's a manager. I stock shelves for a living. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML

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By JoseIsAdork - United States - Somers

Today, I realized how lonely I am, when I got a call from an elderly women who had dialed the wrong number. We ended up having a 20 minute conversation about her cat and how he "just won't use the darn litter pan." I was sad when she had to hang up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my father in law drunkenly announced at dinner that he wished my husband had married my best friend. No one stuck up for me. Not even my husband. FML

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By Fmyapp - United States

Today, after having paid to download an iPhone FML app, I found out that the real 'Fmylife Official' app was a lot more complete. And free. FML

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By ohai ur hawt, wanna fuzzzZzZZzzZzz - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I met a really nice girl at a club, and we went back to my place. I was finally going to lose my virginity, but just as she started kissing me, I panicked and ended up fainting. When I came to, I was still clothed, and she was long gone. FML

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By Sickasadog - United States

Today, I painted my daughter's room with the new paint we bought. It's an oil-based paint which hides all blemishes on the wall, but apparently makes me sick. I'm now throwing up everywhere, but at least the room looks good. FML

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By dan - 13/8/2020 17:01

Unloved

Today, I found out that all of the times my mom told me that she was busy out of town wasn’t due to work, it was that she was going on vacations with her boyfriend and his kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out clubbing. My girlfriend went to get us drinks, so I danced alone while I waited. Some girl with hideous meth mouth, who was clearly tripping balls, started harassing and groping me and got all three of us kicked out when my girlfriend returned and beat the hell out of her. FML

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By stillchubby - Australia

Today, I was thinking about my new diet and workout plan as I was getting dressed in the morning, feeling much thinner and more energetic. Just as the thought passed through my brain, the button on my skirt popped off. FML

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By My Life Is Just PERFECT - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up for me. It was going pretty good, then he said he was going to go out to smoke. 10 minutes went by and he still hadn't come back. I called my friend and she said he doesn't smoke. FML

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By Carolyn Dee Humphrey

Today, I found out my friend and I have the same due date and the same baby daddy. It's my boyfriend of 9 years. FML

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By lovelife - United States

Today, I was robbed of five bucks by a vending machine that said "Enjoy Life!" FML

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By mike oxsmall - United States

Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML

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By Blondie - United States

Today, I got a phone call from a detective in response to my stolen car that has been missing since St. Patrick's Day. He told me that he had found my car, but was chuckling the whole time. Turns out, I had parked my car in a different lot. I haven't had it for a week. It was never stolen. FML

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By jadehin - United States

Today, I had a small gathering of family and friends over to celebrate my son's baptism. One of my friends happens to be a police officer. The entire event consisted of him arresting three of my family members. Don't worry, he came back to get some cake. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I came to work ready to impress my boss. A couple of weeks ago I asked him for a promotion from stock to sales and I have been proving myself worthy. Turns out he hired a new girl for sales, with great, big, fake breasts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but there were none. There were Happy Birthday messages from Pizza Hut and Victoria's Secret, however. FML

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By Lady - United States

Today, I had to clean my house to hide the evidence of the party I threw last night. I attempted to clean the puke stain on my carpet while still drunk. I didn't realize until this morning that the All Purpose cleaner I used was actually All Purpose Adhesive. The evidence is now glued to my carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in Burger King, I was leaning against the railing looking at the menu. I saw an old man using the rail to walk, so I got out of the way. He ran his hand across my back and said "You're so cute, I'd like to take you home and lock you in my basement naked so you can't leave" and walked out. FML

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By faul - 26/9/2020 05:02 - United States

Hey Jude, don't make it bad

Today, a lady told me I looked like Paul McCartney in his youth. With that little confidence boost, I told my girlfriend. I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that she didn't know who Paul McCartney is, or how she is now obsessively Googling pictures of him and is practically drooling. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after having a shower, I walked back into my room butt naked. As I looked up I saw the window cleaner staring right at me. I looked. He looked. And without thinking I dropped straight to the floor to hid myself, then realized my naked butt was still staring right at him. FML

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By zazadudu - France

Today, I wore myself out cooking, preparing tasty little dishes for my sweetheart. I heard him arrive and shout as he went up the stairs, "It stinks of shit in here! Have you been cooking?" I threw everything in the bin. We can eat sandwiches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my nephew spent a long while enthusiastically telling me how amazing his new 3D TV system is. I felt his pain as his face turned white when he remembered that I'm blind in one eye since birth. FML

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By gabxoxo03 - United States

Today, I snuck up on my girlfriend to give her a kiss. Only after I planted a big one did I realize it was not my girlfriend, or even a girl for that matter. FML

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By Anonymous

Queue cutters should be prosecuted!

Today, while queuing in a shop, a girl appeared to bunk the line. When I asked her about it, she said it was nothing to do with me. She then asked me what was I going to do about it, before kneeing me in the nuts. I was overtaken by everyone in the queue. FML

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By Momma - France

Today, my kids thought it would be funny to put pictures of naked men and women as people's ID on my phone. They won't tell me how to change it back. FML

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By snoozer - United States

Today, I received two withdrawl grades in school for droping the classes due to a kidney infection that kept me in the hospital. I wrote a petition to the dean asking to remove the grades. He replied to send a doctor's note. I did this, and he said that I was faking and the note was forged. FML

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By anonymous

Keep fit!

Today, my girlfriend and I were on the phone. She heard I was out of breath and asked me, "Are you okay?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd caught me masturbating, and I'm so out of shape it sounded like I'd ran a marathon. FML

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By spanishsucks - United States - Livingston

Today, I introduced my mother to my new girlfriend. My mom made a very nasty comment about her in Spanish, not realizing that my girlfriend teaches Spanish at the local school. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, after several long years, a lot of debt, and two great degrees from a top university, I had to move back in with my parents, because no matter where I look, I can't find a job. FML

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By fernie vazquez - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML

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By Squinty6 - Canada

Today, my boss lectured me on the evils of alcohol and how it was 'prohibited' during the 1980s. I said nothing because he hates being corrected. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a girl I've been crushing on for over a year finally gave me her number. I lost the note at home, but found it a few hours later. I excitedly called, only to find she'd written down the number for the local Pizza Hut. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

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By Bitch its me - Korea Republic of

Today, I got up at five, got dressed, and walked halfway to work in the snow. I then realized that it's Sunday. I also forgot my keys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up in jail charged with a DWI. I wasn't drinking last night and the only thing I remember is taking my prescription sleep medicine and lying down. FML

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By DeannaMarie - United States

Today, I found out the gift card my friend gave me for Christmas actually has no money on it and was never purchased in the first place. FML

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By A. - United States

Today, out of all the cars in the parking lot, mine got struck by lightning. FML

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Top comments

By elinhjortskull | 7

#3815017 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:09

He's sexy and he knows it.

By GoWithTheFro | 9

#3815010 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:07

Well, at least it's been a memorable year.

COMMENTS

By Jkolbly | 11

#3815008 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:07

Was he in the living room or did you walk in a bedroom? And why were you staring, was it interesting?

Reply

afulks78 | 11

#3815151 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:50

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

kyarush | 10

#3815179 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:02

Well I kissed a beautiful girl(: looks like we both had a good time! Thumbs up if you had a good new year!

Reply

gojira666 | 7

#3815202 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:12

Jesus fuck.

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3815207 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:18

Jesus Fuck, the new god for the pornography religion: Pornism.

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3815251 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:58

38, you know, hash tags don't work on here.

Reply

RaggleFrock | 13

#3815293 - Sunday 1 January 2012 14:32

Does your uncle have a mustach?

Reply

kyarush | 10

#3815536 - Sunday 1 January 2012 17:05

Well I guess you fuckers had a bad night

Reply

lindseykcool | 6

#3816440 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:19

Well, OP, you didn't HAVE to watch.. :P

Reply

eurostar710 | 11

#3822578 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 3:07

This would be from Maryland. Courtney, is that you? Haha. (I'm from MD too)

Reply

Jakey00 | 0

#3823102 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 6:27

Don't say Jesus and Fuck in the same sentance...

Reply

eurostar710 | 11

#3825787 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 21:22

126- anyone can say anything that they want. You get no say in the matter. It's called free speech. Jesus fuck Jesus fuck Jesus fuck. Jesus ass. Jesus dick.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6191815 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 5:06

I love you, 128.

By GoWithTheFro | 9

#3815010 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:07

Well, at least it's been a memorable year.

Reply

poopyfacegirl | 28

#3815049 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:18

Well...

Reply

cocofruity123 | 0

#3815055 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:22

Yeah, great memories...

Reply

Danny0522 | 8

#3815398 - Sunday 1 January 2012 15:49

I dont see the problem with this FML

Reply

geon_olam | 17

#3815534 - Sunday 1 January 2012 17:04

Obviously OP is upset cuz the uncle was using up all the olive oil and there was none left for the salad. Learn to read between the lines, man!

Reply

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3816434 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:16

And at least her uncle is now buttery soft and 120% more huggable naked.

Reply

NanillaVipples | 2

#3818477 - Monday 2 January 2012 7:19

And that's a crazy first few seconds for 2012!

Reply

richards621 | 9

#4096179 - Monday 27 February 2012 15:27

this might be the best comment i've ever seen on here?

By Cleo_Nemo_ | 9

#3815011 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:07

Interesting family you have.

Reply

Betz | 10

#3815133 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:44

Did olive the other relatives stare too?

Reply

Cleo_Nemo_ | 9

#3815209 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:19

Who knows. ;)

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3816386 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:03

Orange you glad he didn't try to hug you?

By jbaby69 | 0

#3815013 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:08

That's hot

Reply

SecretMe00 | 5

#3815413 - Sunday 1 January 2012 15:54

Oooooooo so so hot

Reply

Zeppelin1969 | 5

#3817534 - Monday 2 January 2012 1:55

I just threw up a little.

By elinhjortskull | 7

#3815017 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:09

He's sexy and he knows it.

Reply

Honziie | 1

#3815189 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:07

The visual is amazing

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3815417 - Sunday 1 January 2012 16:06

Are you imagining your drunk naked uncle with a Jew-fro dancing to this? Because that doesn't sound amazing...

Reply

ClassyCommando | 13

#3819756 - Monday 2 January 2012 9:51

The real FML here is that OP did not have the presence of mind to pit this on YouTube.

Reply

CABOOSE8563 | 0

#3819874 - Monday 2 January 2012 10:19

Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle

By mstangchck | 9

#3815018 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:09

FYL indeed

By bobthebuilder33 | 3

#3815025 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:12

Sounds deece.

By ninjaboy18 | 6

#3815027 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:13

Better than my last few seconds of 2011..

Reply

fancyclown | 9

#3815177 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:02

And everyone sitting at home on facebook for the last few seconds, while hovering their mouse curser over the post button on a "Happy New Years!" status.

Reply

Zoranius | 6

#3817448 - Monday 2 January 2012 1:42

OR you just do it on your smartphone?

By luckyd880 | 12

#3815030 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:14

At least it's a new year so you can put the past behind you.

Reply

jaylepinos | 0

#3815572 - Sunday 1 January 2012 17:20

You have such beauriful eyes young lady

Reply

boo_bee_fur_me | 2

#3815946 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:06

Holy fuck that was great ^

By IKickPuppiesHard | 16

#3815033 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:14

It's hard to rub the oil in the middle of your back; did you help him out?