Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my... - FML

By Scarred4Life - 1/1/2012 06:18 - United States

Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my drunk, naked uncle pouring olive oil over himself and rubbing it in. FML

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Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

DINOSAURS!!

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 9/7/2015 19:46 - United States

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years a few months ago, my boys convinced me to go out with the cute girl I had been talking to on Tinder. However, she wasn't cute, or a girl. He robbed me. FML

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By jaleesadavis21 - 18/10/2011 13:25 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my older brother thought it would be funny to change the language on my phone to Serbo-Croatian. I don't know how and can't change it back. FML

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By angry - 23/12/2016 22:20 - Canada - Scarborough

Today, I came out as lesbian and introduced my new girlfriend to my family. My mom angrily told me that I should have waited until my grandparents had died before coming out, and that I was "extremely disrespectful" for making this announcement. I honestly thought everyone would be fine with it. FML

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By kidneystoner - 14/10/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I passed my kidney stone. After thirteen hours of pain free joy, another one appeared. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2012 18:58 - Canada

Today, it's Friday the 13th. I've never been superstitious, and I figured it would be a normal day, that is until my hot water heater exploded and rained water into my downstairs neighbour's apartment for two hours before anyone noticed. FML

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By gretel - 16/9/2010 13:17 - Australia

Today, I'd finally reached my goal weight. I went into the office where my husband was, to show him the new size 8 jeans I'd bought. He responded with "I wouldn't buy any more clothes, you'll be putting the weight back on again soon." FML

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By slim_breezy - 4/6/2016 07:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2019 04:00

Today, my wife read a Facebook article about how oral sex can lead to mouth and/or throat infections, and is now avoiding all forms of sex, in case my penis happens to give her the bubonic plague. FML

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By igotpride - 9/12/2013 21:01 - United States

Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML

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By Boulette - 23/6/2014 05:44 - France - Dammartin-en-go?le

Today, I was on vacation, when a very cute guy starting talking to me and asked me what my name was. Overwhelmed and stressed out, I blurted out that I didn't have one. FML

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By xero_art - 26/6/2009 09:51 - United States

Today, it's my birthday and I received a signed vintage Beatles' album from my wife. Awesome right? It's the same album some jerk way over-bidded me for on eBay. That jerk was my wife, using my credit card. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2009 19:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was really stressed about a guy he works with being a jerk. I told him "if you ignore something long enough, it won't bother you anymore." His response was "I've ignored my herpes for a long time but it still bothers me." We've been having sex for 3 months now. FML

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By Failed Artist - 30/8/2015 04:49 - United States - Des Moines

Today, my family was cleaning out our basement when I noticed an empty wall. I asked my grandma if I could put a picture up. She replied, "I don't want your ugly drawings on the wall". I wasn't talking about my drawings. FML

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By MAC. - 4/8/2012 09:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML

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By Pokemon problems - 23/10/2012 22:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I babysat a 10-year-old and we played Pokémon. It was my first time playing, so he showed me. I ended up winning and the kid started crying and told his parents he hated me. They decided not to pay me for the night, and now I'm out of a job. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2011 05:38 - Canada

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

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By Ugh - 5/11/2012 02:08 - United States - Dublin

Today, while I was cleaning out my son's room, I came across his diary. Opening it out of curiosity, I found ramblings about how blacks, Jews, and other "inferior breeds" should be forcibly sterilized "for the common good." FML

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By bad karma - 21/11/2011 14:34 - United States

Today, I was so hungry that I literally stole candy from a baby. FML

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By Confused - 22/8/2012 16:33 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I finally had sex with my boyfriend. I had never gotten so far with a guy, so I was really nervous. He was careful, we tried different positions, "it was fun" and he came. I barely felt anything. FML

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By dateless - 21/9/2012 11:48 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went on a blind date. He took one look at me and said, "Well, we might as well get a drink anyway." FML

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By Username - 27/11/2010 02:30 - United States

Today, after having a long and serious talk about maybe having a relationship, the guy I really like told me to send him a "sexy picture." I sent him a picture of me in a bra and a thong. He replied, "Yeah, you're hot!" and signed off after ten minutes of silence. I haven't heard from him since. FML

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By Al - 13/6/2016 15:37 - Australia - Turramurra

Today, I walked into pawn shop and found a nice laptop which I inspected after I thought I lost mine months ago. Turns out my ex pawned it after having it at her place all this time. FML

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By shitforchris - 20/8/2009 05:38 - Canada

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 07:30 - United States

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend scratch her crotch and then sniff her fingers. FML

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By Anon - 9/10/2013 05:21 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I asked my friend to crop me out of her profile picture on Facebook because I look terrible in it. She responded that she wasn't going to, because it made her look better. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2015 14:58 - United States - Redlands

Today, my mother informed me that she sold my dog to pay off some bills. FML

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By owwie - 13/2/2010 20:11 - United States

Today, it snowed in South Carolina for the first time in 10 years. It snowed eight whole inches! I was so excited, I yelled for my kids and ran outside to build a snowman. I ran out to the steps and slipped on ice. I woke up in the hospital with a bad concussion. The snow had all melted. FML

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By Lucy - 21/7/2012 07:40 - United States - La Mesa

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been in love with for the past two years. Five minutes in, he passed out on top of me from a pain pill overdose and had a mini seizure. He finally woke up and groans, "Those bastards! They confiscated my clothes!" FML

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By I will find you and I will fucking fuck y - 5/1/2014 20:39 - United Kingdom - Falmouth

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

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By BrokeCollegeStudent - 30/6/2017 18:00

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I got a call from my mom-in-law saying I have to buy my own food. I took 3 weeks off on unpaid vacation and came out of state to watch my in-laws' house and dog sit while they go out of country. I'm not allowed to touch their food, even the spoiling stuff. My husband doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2017 12:00

Today, my dog ate so much toilet paper that she can probably wipe herself from the inside out. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2013 00:48 - Canada

Today, for my 18th birthday my mum gave me a black lace thong. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2013 22:08 - United States - Marsing

Today, I told my boyfriend that I've missed my period, and that I think I might be pregnant. He started panicking and ended up puking in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2016 16:35 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

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By me - 5/1/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time. He was sucking on my boob, everything was going good. He suddenly stopped and started choking really bad. He thought milk was coming out. Turns out, it was just his gum. The moment was ruined. FML

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By atleasthelistened - 9/3/2016 08:04 - United States - Spokane

Today, I discovered my boyfriend listens way better in his sleep than he does when he's awake. FML

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By lizzard0416 - 30/11/2012 03:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was going to give my baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in my mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard and spat them out, realizing my boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML

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By unknown - 24/1/2011 08:08 - United States

Today, I was driving to a blind date my friend set me up on. Feeling pretty excited, I started singing to Katy Perry. I look over to see a man laughing at me, I flipped him the bird and drove off. Little did I know, he was my date. FML

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By Nikki - 20/11/2019 05:00

My package

Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 12:00

The Crying Game

Today, I noticed that my weekend hobby is crying. I live in a city where I don't have a single friend or relative. FML

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Top comments

By elinhjortskull | 7

#3815017 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:09

He's sexy and he knows it.

By GoWithTheFro | 9

#3815010 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:07

Well, at least it's been a memorable year.

Comments

By Jkolbly | 11

#3815008 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:07

Was he in the living room or did you walk in a bedroom? And why were you staring, was it interesting?

Reply

afulks78 | 11

#3815151 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

kyarush | 10

#3815179 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:02

Well I kissed a beautiful girl(: looks like we both had a good time! Thumbs up if you had a good new year!

Reply

gojira666 | 7

#3815202 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:12

Jesus fuck.

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3815207 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:18

Jesus Fuck, the new god for the pornography religion: Pornism.

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3815251 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:58

38, you know, hash tags don't work on here.

Reply

RaggleFrock | 13

#3815293 - Sunday 1 January 2012 14:32

Does your uncle have a mustach?

Reply

kyarush | 10

#3815536 - Sunday 1 January 2012 17:05

Well I guess you fuckers had a bad night

Reply

lindseykcool | 6

#3816440 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:19

Well, OP, you didn't HAVE to watch.. :P

Reply

eurostar710 | 11

#3822578 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 3:07

This would be from Maryland. Courtney, is that you? Haha. (I'm from MD too)

Reply

Jakey00 | 0

#3823102 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 6:27

Don't say Jesus and Fuck in the same sentance...

Reply

eurostar710 | 11

#3825787 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 21:22

126- anyone can say anything that they want. You get no say in the matter. It's called free speech. Jesus fuck Jesus fuck Jesus fuck. Jesus ass. Jesus dick.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6191815 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 5:06

I love you, 128.

By GoWithTheFro | 9

#3815010 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:07

Well, at least it's been a memorable year.

Reply

poopyfacegirl | 28

#3815049 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:18

Well...

Reply

cocofruity123 | 0

#3815055 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:22

Yeah, great memories...

Reply

Danny0522 | 8

#3815398 - Sunday 1 January 2012 15:49

I dont see the problem with this FML

Reply

geon_olam | 17

#3815534 - Sunday 1 January 2012 17:04

Obviously OP is upset cuz the uncle was using up all the olive oil and there was none left for the salad. Learn to read between the lines, man!

Reply

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3816434 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:16

And at least her uncle is now buttery soft and 120% more huggable naked.

Reply

NanillaVipples | 2

#3818477 - Monday 2 January 2012 7:19

And that's a crazy first few seconds for 2012!

Reply

richards621 | 9

#4096179 - Monday 27 February 2012 15:27

this might be the best comment i've ever seen on here?

By Cleo_Nemo_ | 9

#3815011 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:07

Interesting family you have.

Reply

Betz | 10

#3815133 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:44

Did olive the other relatives stare too?

Reply

Cleo_Nemo_ | 9

#3815209 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:19

Who knows. ;)

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3816386 - Sunday 1 January 2012 21:03

Orange you glad he didn't try to hug you?

By jbaby69 | 0

#3815013 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:08

That's hot

Reply

SecretMe00 | 5

#3815413 - Sunday 1 January 2012 15:54

Oooooooo so so hot

Reply

Zeppelin1969 | 5

#3817534 - Monday 2 January 2012 1:55

I just threw up a little.

By elinhjortskull | 7

#3815017 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:09

He's sexy and he knows it.

Reply

Honziie | 1

#3815189 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:07

The visual is amazing

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3815417 - Sunday 1 January 2012 16:06

Are you imagining your drunk naked uncle with a Jew-fro dancing to this? Because that doesn't sound amazing...

Reply

ClassyCommando | 13

#3819756 - Monday 2 January 2012 9:51

The real FML here is that OP did not have the presence of mind to pit this on YouTube.

Reply

CABOOSE8563 | 0

#3819874 - Monday 2 January 2012 10:19

Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle

By mstangchck | 9

#3815018 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:09

FYL indeed

By bobthebuilder33 | 3

#3815025 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:12

Sounds deece.

By ninjaboy18 | 6

#3815027 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:13

Better than my last few seconds of 2011..

Reply

fancyclown | 9

#3815177 - Sunday 1 January 2012 13:02

And everyone sitting at home on facebook for the last few seconds, while hovering their mouse curser over the post button on a "Happy New Years!" status.

Reply

Zoranius | 6

#3817448 - Monday 2 January 2012 1:42

OR you just do it on your smartphone?

By luckyd880 | 12

#3815030 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:14

At least it's a new year so you can put the past behind you.

Reply

jaylepinos | 0

#3815572 - Sunday 1 January 2012 17:20

You have such beauriful eyes young lady

Reply

boo_bee_fur_me | 2

#3815946 - Sunday 1 January 2012 19:06

Holy fuck that was great ^

By IKickPuppiesHard | 16

#3815033 - Sunday 1 January 2012 12:14

It's hard to rub the oil in the middle of your back; did you help him out?