Miss California, United States 33 years-old In a relationship
Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML
Today, my boyfriend of almost two years proposed to me. Everything was perfect. The ring was beautiful. And seconds after I said yes, he went to play his new Xbox game. FML
Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML
Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was a bill from my parents. Apparently, the rent is due on the 1st. FML
Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML
Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML
Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to "pop the question." Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML
Today, my husband was kind enough to hold my hair back while I was going down on him, but didn't have the thought to comfort me this morning while I suffered the effects of morning sickness. FML
Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML
Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. He's been calling his penis "fun-sized" for a while now, but I didn't know he meant it really was the size of a fun-size candy bar. I'm pretty sure I'm still technically a virgin. FML
Today, I was on a walk when I ran into the woman whose kids I babysit. We had a quick chat, and I noticed she had just blown her driveway clean. As I left, I said "You did a nice blow job!" FML
Today, I had a panic attack because my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to choke me in the middle of sex. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me because he's in love with my sister, who turned him down repeatedly, and I'm the closest he can now get. FML
Today, I went to the grocery store with my mom's boyfriend. We were in the bread aisle when he picked up a loaf that was in my hand, and said, "No, no, you have to FEEL the bread," and started rubbing it all over his body. He's moving in next week. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She's a sock puppet. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML
Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M&M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them. FML
Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML
Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, I was spending Saint Patrick's Day with my girlfriend, when she started pinching me for not wearing green. To my complete shock, when she pinched my nipple, I got the biggest, most noticeable erection I've ever had in my life, and no matter what I did, it wouldn't go away. We were in public. FML
Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML
Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML
Today, I got a call from my 8 year-old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML
Today, I realized I've been sinking into a deep depression, ignoring all my friends, and don't know what to do with my life anymore. This is all because I gave up Facebook for lent. FML
Today, I was making love to my wife from behind. As we both reached climax at the same time, she threw her head back in ecstasy just as I buckled forward with pleasure. We slammed our heads together, effectively ending our orgasms. FML
Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML
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