alpal264

Today, my dad spent a full half hour trying to convince me that Judaism is a race. FML

Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML

Today, I ran out of gas while driving, and had to call a tow truck. I drive a tow truck. FML

Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML

Cue Shaggy

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

Today, I realized that as a U.S. Marine in the infantry, I'm more afraid to talk to girls than I am of getting shot at. FML

Crash

Today, my ex-wife crashed my engagement party. FML

Today, I could actually feel my toe hairs flapping in the breeze. I'm a girl. FML

Toan is stored in the balls

Today, my Dad's banjo arrived, as part of his mid-life crisis. It would be fine if he could play it but unfortunately he's tone deaf. He hasn't stopped playing it for the last 4 hours. FML

Today, I found out the hard way that everyone in my dorm knows I watch My Little Pony. FML

Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML

What what?

Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML

Pugs not drugs

Today, my son got really high and shaved the dog with my electric shaver. Not only does the dog look really bad, I didn't know my son used drugs. I now have to buy the dog a sweater and get my son some help. FML

Le epic bacon

Today, for my birthday, instead of a cake, my friends surprised me with a castle mainly made out of bacon. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I fucking hate bacon. FML

Not now, Cooper

Today, I got a boner at the dentist's. FML

Parental advice

Today, my dad walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. His only reaction was to mutter, "Put some back into it, son." before awkwardly sidling out. FML

Quick thinking

Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh, I had an itch…" FML

Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

Lonely boy

Today, I was the 19th wheel at a party. Yes, I counted. FML

Today, my best friend threw my football over a wall, so we hopped over to go and get it. Next thing we know, we're both surrounded by men pointing guns in our faces. FML

Today, I learned the hard way that you should never use medical tape to secure gauze over a razor cut on your scrotum. FML

Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

What a dick

Today, I ran into my boyfriend's dad. His exact words were, "Call me when you're ready to feel what a real man can do to you." FML

Today, after a year and a half, I finally admitted to myself that I'm in an abusive relationship. Not with a person though. With my cat. FML

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML

Today, I scored the winning goal in my soccer tournament. For the other team. FML

Please, think of my family…

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

What were you thinking?

Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML