Miss Brooklyn ,New York,, U.S.A 33 years-old Single
Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML
Today, my neighbors got a motion sensor light that points at my window. It's so sensitive that it goes off every time an insect flies past. FML
Today, I purposely wore a red shirt to Target just so people would talk to me. FML
Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I was heading back to my apartment and I heard noises behind the front door. Assuming it was the surprise party I'd hinted at, I flicked on the lights… as two heavy guys pushed past me. I was robbed. FML
Today, I started a new job. I noticed all the beautiful women. Then I tripped on a cord running across the floor. They noticed me too. FML
Today, I made my friends and family laugh by trying to put on costume glasses with a giant super-sized nose attached to them. They laughed hysterically. Not because of the gigantic nose, but because my real nose was radically bigger and the fake one wouldn't fit over it. FML
Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML
Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me, the only thing positive about my day was a pregnancy test. FML
Today, I took a picture in front of my bathroom mirror and posted it on Facebook. When I checked it later, it had 20 comments on the picture. I was feeling good until I read the comments and looked at the picture again. I'd left my vibrator on the the bathroom counter. FML
Today, my wife told me she was pregnant. I don't remember having sex since last year. FML
Today, my boyfriend sat me down for a "confession". His confession consisted of him saying that "women are like a bag of chips," and that while you can love the smokey BBQ flavor, every once in a while you just have to go for some salt and vinegar. FML
Today, I'm found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I spoke at length about how we were going to handle things, which included him "forbidding" me from having an epidural, because he doesn't want our baby to "come out addicted to drugs." FML
Today, I went to the store for some pads with my dad. We got them and then went to the cashier. That's when he realized that they were scented. He took one out of the box, sniffed it, made me sniff it, then insisted the cashier smell it. FML
Today, I planned to go on a date with a man I met online. He came to my apartment to pick me up, and I told him I'd be right out as I grabbed my purse. When I got outside, he was gone. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been paying her half of the rent by taking my ATM card and getting money from my account. FML
Today, after a little detective work, I found out the money that recently went missing from my college fund was transferred by my mother, to her own account. She claims it's to pay a parking ticket. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I didn't know they fined people over $3,500 for a parking violation. FML
Today, I woke up after a long night of trying to catch a moth. I'd knocked down furniture and screamed up the house to do so, but I finally got it. What did I see first thing this morning? Another moth. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, saying that the only thing he would change about me is my last name. I later told him that I wanted to keep my last name after the marriage. I'm now single again. FML
Today, I found out my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited, so I asked her why. She replied, "What birthday party?" It was a surprise birthday party. FML
Today, I'm on a trip to Poland with some friends. We came to experience the country's culture, and to challenge our preconceptions about this part of Europe. We had sat on a bench, and not ten seconds later, a stranger approached and asked, "How much for your friend?" FML
Today, I found out that I am allergic to grass, and not supposed to mow lawns. My job is mowing lawns. FML
Today, I fell into a hole. And by hole, I mean a sewer. FML
Today, I finally got the chance to meet this wonderful guy I met on a dating site. She was very excited to see me, too. FML
Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML
Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while." Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you." FML
Today, my first date consisted of him and me in the emergency room of the hospital after his little brother hit me in the face with a baseball bat. FML
Today, in an attempt to be romantic, my boyfriend threw little stones against my window. Unfortunately, the window wasn't closed, and I was standing in front of it. FML
Today, my fiancé emailed me some steamy pics. Too bad he forgot to erase "FWD:" from the subject line. FML
Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML
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