Today, I discovered that not only is my live-in mother-in-law a fan of Lady Gaga, she dances around the house naked to fully embrace the music. FML
Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML
Today, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus. More specifically, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus from being hit in the face by a pigeon that was deflected from the windscreen of a van moving at about 35mph. FML
Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML
Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML
Today, I found out how it feels to have my groin catch fire due to a magic trick going wrong. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend can name each and every Pokémon, but can't remember my birthday. FML
Today, I found out that my German wasn't as great as I thought it was. Trying to give directions to some German tourists, I tried to say, "I hope I don't get you lost." Turns out I actually said something closer to, "I hope I don't seduce you." FML
Today, my eight year-old son came to me and said he thinks it's time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mindfucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it's something all boys his age do. I can't convince him otherwise. FML
Today, my car was broken into, and they stole all my CDs, but left my daughter's Black Eyed Peas CD behind. I'm pretty pissed about the theft, but almost glad to see that the delinquents in my town have a decent taste in music. FML
Today, while working at a McDonald's drive-through, some dicks decided to pull a "fire in the hole" prank. Granted, it has been done to me before, this time was different. These pleasant people decided to use hot coffee. FML
Today, I was knocked into a wall by a high-pressure water cannon suddenly kicking in. I was only going to the corner store to buy some chocolate. Probably serves me right for not noticing a small riot due to a thumping hangover. FML
Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML
Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML
Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML
Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML
Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML
Today, somebody ordered pizza and sent it to the house across the street from them, so they could shoot at the pizza guy with an air-soft gun from the upstairs of their house. I was that delivery guy. FML
Today, I have been pissing blood for 2 hours, ever since some douche in a Nixon mask ran up and slugged me in the kidney. FML
Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in the apartment above me screaming, "No, I don't want to shave my nose hair, you crazy bitch." He lives alone. FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend over to her first dinner with my family. My gramps spent the entire dinner telling my girlfriend how the Illuminati are plotting to take over the world and use microchips to control everyone. So much for being taken seriously now. FML
Today, a freshman set off the fire alarm in my dorm at 2 a.m. He tried to microwave Easy Mac without adding water. I had to stand outside for 45 minutes while the firemen moved the noodles to the sink and ran cold water over them. FML
Today, I was at my job as a bartender where I had to listen to a 40-something man with no legs drunkenly explain just how much he loves nipples. FML
Today, I went to eat the orange I'd brought to work, but couldn't find it. After minutes searching, I found it. Nailed to the ceiling. FML
Today, my mother was watching me play Pokémon. She walked over to the TV and pulled the plug before ranting about how shameful it is that her 17 year old daughter plays Pokémon. She then sat down at the computer and started playing Farmville. FML
Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was the police station informing me that my elderly grandmother has been arrested for indecent exposure. FML
Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML
Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML
Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML
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