Today, I told my wife I wasn’t comfortable with her going out with an old guy friend. Petty, sure, but our sex life is non-existent. I found out that she's been seeing him behind my back for months, spent the night with him last week and claims there’s nothing going on. Trying to decide whether I should stay or go. FML
Today, I'm thinking of quitting the awesome job I love with coworkers I adore, because I keep fucking up every part of my job, making them pick up the pieces and correct my failures. They don't deserve this. FML
Today, I’m 9 months pregnant. I was in a grocery store when this little hellspawn came tearing ass down the aisle right at me. I instinctively turned to the side to protect my belly, while the brat crashed into my hip and fell backward. His cunt of a mother cussed me out for knocking down her “baby”. FML
Today, I learned that making an illegal U-turn right after you see a cop doing one will not stop said cop from ticketing you. FML
Today, my husband made an elaborate heartfelt speech to a female colleague regarding her job promotion during her celebration dinner that had everyone in tears. During our wedding, he insisted on not do wedding vows because he “doesn’t like all that emotional shit.” FML
Today, I told my family about my dreams to get a modern car and house with my girlfriend, since I'm tired of fixing my '90s car and paying for my dad's rent and doing all his housework. They then told me I'm selfish for trying to leave them and that I don't care about them. FML
Today, it’s my birthday. At work, at my desk, I found this beautiful gift-wrapped box and a card that read, “From all of us, we really care about you, and hope you like your present!” I opened the box. It had body shower gel, deodorant, soap, fragrance spray, and “frizz shampoo.” Hint taken. FML
Today, I ended a relationship because she told me that I was "like a father." FML
Today, I took my car in because the AC had stopped working. The mechanic turned it on, pressed one button, and cold air started blasting. I'd seemingly switched it to heat three months ago. FML
Today, I found out my email hasn't been working for 10 days. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, but it just so happens that a position opened up for my dream job while this was happening. I would have gotten the job, but instead they gave it to someone I just finished training. FML
Today, my husband of 12 years announced that he wants a divorce and that he hadn't liked me in YEARS. FML
Today, I found $20 in an old jacket and celebrated by buying myself a fancy lunch (well, Burger King, but that just goes to show how well I'm doing in this economy). When I got home, I realized I'd left my wallet at the restaurant while paying with the $20. FML
Today, I’ve worked hard to lose ten kilos. It took daily workouts and walking 10 kms a day to make the weight finally move, and I’m the fittest I’ve been in years. My mum, after having not seen me for a while, says in front of everyone during the holidays, “Wow, those injections have worked for you!” FML
Today, it was 5th period and I went to the year 11 bathroom. I came out, and there was a crowd of people outside. Someone said, "Um, that's the boys bathroom." FML
Today, I thought my car had been stolen because I couldn’t for the life of me find it in the office car park. I panicked and called the cops, only to remember I had taken my bike to work. FML
Today, my cat knocked the TV remote behind our heavy couch. I reached for it, got stuck halfway underneath, and had to call my roommate for help. She found me face-down on the carpet wearing one sock and asked if this was “an emergency or drugs?” FML
Today, I failed a calculus exam because I simply was too burnt out to study for it. I have not wanted to even look at a math problem since the beginning of the year, and I procrastinate all day instead of doing work, and it leads me here, typing at 2 a.m. to random strangers while having to get up tomorrow at 7. FML
Today, I spent hours assembling a bookshelf I'd bought online. Once it was finally done, I realized I’d put the back panel on backwards, so now there’s a "Made in China" label facing the room. FML
Today, I was trying pillow talk with this guy I met at the bar that night. I’m thinking he’s going to say something cute, but he told me, "One time, I was bored, so I went to a liquor store and robbed an Asian man and put his bag over his head." I just wanted to pillow talk. FML
Today, my fiancée wrecked my car so I had to use my other car to pick her up. Ten minutes after I did, my other car broke down in the middle of the road and I had to get it towed. My insurance covers none of these incidents. FML
Today, I discovered my cat prefers my neighbour. I know this because she posted pictures of him on Instagram, captioned "My new baby." FML
Today, my smart fridge sent me a notification saying the door had been left open. I ran downstairs, and discovered I had apparently connected the fridge to my phone correctly. For some reason, it was warning me about the open door in the hotel room three cities away that I'd stayed in last week. FML
Today, I was waiting for my pizza delivery, which I had foolishly chosen to arrive at 5pm in the middle of rush hour. The pizza was roughly 30 minutes late due to this and I was so happy to get my pizza, I tried to help get the pizza out of the warming bag and somehow caused the delivery guy to drop his smartphone. FML
Today, after several hours, two pharmacies, several bus rides, $20, and many phone calls, I returned home. Guess who still doesn't have a glucose monitor? Yup, I have to go do this all again tomorrow. FML
Today, as I crawled into bed and hid under my blanket, I was hit with a very strong and familiar smell. The smell of piss. My cat had peed all over my only blanket. Guess I'll sleep under the mattress. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend by cleaning the entire apartment before he came home. I even lit a candle and put fresh flowers on the table. When he walked in, he stared at everything and said, “Did someone come over?” My boyfriend thought a cleaning service had been hired. FML
Today, after wasting $60 and 3 hours of my time getting my hair dyed to get rid of the ugly orange tint it had from the last time I got my hair dyed, it turned out to be the exact same color I started with. I go on vacation in 6 days and hate my hair. I'm not looking forward to taking pictures, that’s for sure. FML
Today, I took my step-kids and left my abusive husband. I've just been informed that I'm being accused of kidnapping. FML
Today, I volunteered to bring a homemade dessert to a family dinner. I made a cheesecake, decorated it beautifully, and carried it across town on the train. When I arrived, everyone complimented it. Then I realized I'd forgotten the removable bottom of the pan, so the cheesecake was still sitting inside a metal ring and couldn't be served. FML
Today, I overheard a waitress calling me a cheapskate because I left a $2 tip on a $9 tab. When I told her she was ungrateful, rude, and unprofessional, she burst into tears and told the manager I’d threatened her. I was then banned from the restaurant, all while the little twat smirked. FML
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