By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 00:30

A boy can dream

Today, I told my family about my dreams to get a modern car and house with my girlfriend, since I'm tired of fixing my '90s car and paying for my dad's rent and doing all his housework. They then told me I'm selfish for trying to leave them and that I don't care about them. FML

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Family values

Serious times

Late term

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work lifeguarding and saw a kid drowning on the far end of the pool. I decided running would be the quickest way to get to her, but as I ran across the pool deck I slipped and hit my head. The kid's mother jumped in to save her child and then called an ambulance for me. FML

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By FreeToFly3733 - Canada

Today, I finally found my cellphone when I heard WHACKWHACKWHACK inside the washing machine. FML

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By apparently-a-shed - United Kingdom - Worcester

Today, I was walking through my town when a man on a bicycle rolled up to me and said, "I don't mean this offensively but you're really well-built." I don't know whether he was commenting on my height or comparing me to a shed, but my mother won't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt like adding my real middle name to my facebook name to make it look more professional. It was denied because they didn't feel it was a legitimate request. Minutes later, someone with the name of "Galactic Toast" friend requested me. FML

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By LynzG

Today, my boss called me Ashley. My name doesn't even start with an A. I even wear a name tag. You would think after nearly four years, your boss would remember your name. Every time he speaks to me, it's a different name. FML

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By fxck

Today, at work, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head on my cash register. A second later, I heard roaring laughter from the security room, followed by someone saying to play it back. I'd almost convinced myself it wasn't about me, when one of the guys came out and gave me a thumb up. FML

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By wetsheets - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML

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By douchegamer - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, after an argument with my pianist girlfriend about how bad my favourite song would sound on the piano, she stormed out of the room crying, leaving behind a CD. It was the piano version of the song she'd made for me. FML

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By Carebeareatu - 13/3/2020 15:00

Keeping up appearances

Today, my friends gave me a complete makeover, which included clothes from their wardrobe, to prepare me for an upcoming job interview. I was then declined the position, because apparently, I "looked too wealthy" to need the job. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML

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By spit saliva spit

Today, I drooled on myself during a job interview and was immediately dismissed. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Truro

Today, I had a conversation with a girl I don't normally talk to. She ended up saying I'm "not as annoying as everyone says." and "Oh... you didn't know?" FML

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By AVeryConfusedGuy

Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

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By frustrated girlfriend - United States - Raleigh

Today, my boyfriend and I spent all day preparing an amazing meal for my extended family, and then 3 hours before dinner his crazy mother forced him home because she felt "excluded". He's spent the past 3 days with her. There's no way for me to keep him and get rid of her. FML

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By baxeh - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my cat pissed all over my work clothes. They weren't even on the floor, she knocked the hanger down just so she could use them as a toilet. FML

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By kilamo80 - United States - Clarkston

Today, I found out why we've had to replace 3 washing machines this year. My sister thinks that "huge capacity" means "load the washing machine until no more clothes will fit." It blows the motor every time. She's 31. FML

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By cactii - United States

Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

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By karma - Canada

First!

Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML

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By souped - United States

Today, I really wanted something to drink. I looked in the fridge, and found some of my grandma's soy milk. I decide to take a swig, and instead of tasting soy, I tasted rotten chicken. Turns out my grandma knew I drink her soy milk and decided to swap it with expired chicken broth. FML

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By luni - United Kingdom

Today, when my boyfriend said it was time to play with his baby, I figured he was talking about me. He meant his Xbox. FML

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By MissSmarts - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where this really cute guy works. I swiped my card but the machine wouldn't read it. I swiped it quickly some more before getting frustrated and saying, "Your stupid machine doesn't work!" He took the card and turned it around. His face said it all. FML

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By MyChemicalRomantic - 31/3/2020 02:00

Not that handy

Today, I found out that I can never go to my local cinema again. Not just because of the current lockdown, no. The guy I gave an embarrassing, drunken hand job at a party to works there. FML

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By Lara - Italy - Empoli

Today, my boyfriend told me he still has the key to our mailbox, while being at the other part of the country. Not to worry though, he sent it over. By mail. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while watching TV with my boyfriend, I was telling him that I wasn't looking forward to "getting older" and turning thirty in three days. Five minutes later, he said, "I never knew you had so much grey hair already" and then offered to help me dye them. FML

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By Jenn P - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's ex moved into the apartment beneath us. She's already called the cops on us for a noise complaint twice. We were sleeping. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By Anonymous

Deliverance

Today, while at my family reunion, I learned my grandparents were first cousins. No wonder we're all crazy hillbillies. FML

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By Dontworryaboutit - United States

Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. She was eating a hot dog. She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you." She then bit the hot dog in half. FML

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By onlyjuggalos - United States

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

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By Mrs. Awkward

Today, I helped an older guy with his safe deposit box. He said it's perfect for holding his ex-wife's remains and laughed. I laughed because I thought he was kidding. He wasn't. FML

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By kerripjones - United States - Newark

Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML

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By ::Tracy:: - Australia

Today, a young boy helped me carry my groceries home. He then asked me to sign his sheet to certify that he had done half an hour of service to the elderly. I'm 46. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I'm not supposed to have so that I could tell him I am pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on my run, I was attacked by my neighbor's new dog. It apparently didn't like me running past their house and broke free from its chain. I now have stitches and was just told that I'm probably being taken to court for the emotional distress I caused her and the dog. FML

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By shaft2112 - Germany - Emsdetten

Today, I was walking on my crutches towards the bus through the rain. The bus driver looked into my eyes, punching the button to close the doors while I was still a few meters away. As he drove off, he kept his eyes on me, while I had to wait for another 15 minutes for the next bus in the rain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Castle

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I really like. I lifted my arms to put my hair in a ponytail when he noticed a hole that had apparently tore in the armpit of my shirt, so he put his finger through it. I haven't shaved in weeks. FML

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By Robert - United States - Anchorage

Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML

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By

Today, I'm dating a guy who's back hair is longer than his dick. FML

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By MaggotMother - United States

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

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By failure - United States - Loomis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd feel like a failure if he went to community college. I'm planning to go to community college next year. FML

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Top comments

By SM79 | 2

#7971908 - Tuesday 16 February 2021 1:50

Don't fall for the guilt trip. Get out and live your life.

By EVR | 8

#7971906 - Tuesday 16 February 2021 1:03

"Oh no, my son grew up and has a good life and is now trying to leave, how selfish he is for leaving me to live a better life instead of living with me in a worse life"...

COMMENTS

By peterblack67 | 9

#7971666 - Monday 15 February 2021 6:32

Whose they?

By EVR | 8

#7971906 - Tuesday 16 February 2021 1:03

"Oh no, my son grew up and has a good life and is now trying to leave, how selfish he is for leaving me to live a better life instead of living with me in a worse life"...

By SM79 | 2

#7971908 - Tuesday 16 February 2021 1:50

Don't fall for the guilt trip. Get out and live your life.

By Matthew Vincent Livingstone | 5

#7971910 - Tuesday 16 February 2021 2:01

Tell your family; like you have, they need to grow up and be independent... Like you have become 😎

By xxlk4xx | 4

#7972020 - Tuesday 16 February 2021 14:45

just do what makes you happy! its not like you can't go and visit them lol

By Yummi_913 | 15

#7972159 - Wednesday 17 February 2021 1:32

Don't fall for it. Typical manipulation. They'll throw a fit for a LONG time once you're out, but eventually it gets easier and they get used to their new normal. Just do your gf a favor and don't let them invite themselves over constantly, because they will.

By Leah Magers | 6

#7973051 - Saturday 20 February 2021 20:57

Don't listen, my husband is 31 and has gone nowhere and still lives in a crap house because his family swears they will hate him if he dares to leave. toxic people it sounds like