Today, my daughter learned a new phrase: “Sleep Paralysis Demon.” It was exactly as bad as you’re imagining, she sobbed for almost 15 minutes, and that's a very long time when the tears and screaming are constant and without a pause. The neighbours knocked on the door because they were worried. FML
Today, I went to take a piss in a public bathroom. Somehow, I managed to completely jam the lock. After minutes of trying to get myself out, I gave up and crawled under the stall, at which point someone walked in and was very surprised to see me on the floor. FML
Today, I learned that as much as I try to save my money, it always just slips through my fingers. After rent, I got paid $280 yesterday, $85 went out on my gym membership, $95 went out on my internet, $125 went out on my Hello Fresh. I have to choose between half a tank of petrol or breakfast/lunch for the week. FML
Today, and since 2026 started, my two friends began liking each other and I'm very happy for them. The problem? They get so close (literally and figuratively) that they do things that make me feel left out (both subjectively and objectively). Everyone says it's normal, but when I was in love I never did that. FML
Today, my nail client came with yet another sob story about a bill being on autopay and they took it from her account before her appointment. I set boundaries and said I won’t proceed until I’m paid in full (She owes over $300). She responded by trashing my shop. $1000 in nail polish supplies down the drain. FML
Today, my dad and two of his hunting buddies started a true crime podcast. It's as bad as you can imagine. FML
Today, after a silly argument, I decided to walk up on my boyfriend naked, but instead of a cute reaction video, I got a video of him yelling at me to grow up, get my ass dressed, and to stop trying to manipulate him while he’s angry at me. The argument was over the Lego we’re building together. FML
Today, on a third and hopefully eventful date, I tried to be smooth and pull out my date's chair for them at a restaurant. I misjudged the distance and ended up pulling the chair out from under them completely, causing them to fall. The rest of the date was spent apologizing profusely. No third base either. FML
Today, I wanted a Stranger Things flashlight, but I saw they were out of stock at Target so I ordered one on Mercari. The Target website later got more in, so I paid double the original price with shipping included. I’m done online shopping for myself. FML
Today, I realized I'm in a horribly toxic marriage. My wife offered to let me sleep in, and my first thought was, "This is a trap, in thirty minutes she'll be yelling at me for being lazy." I tested it. Yup, it was a trap. FML
Today, my girlfriend of almost 3 years told me we needed a break, and that we could try again at the end of the year. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. Everything was going great until I laughed so hard at one of his jokes that I snorted, choked on my drink, and accidentally slapped his face while trying to cover my mouth. We didn't order dessert. FML
Today, I asked my husband what he'd think of a threesome. He said, "The fun wouldn't be worth the stress, it's a drama bomb waiting to happen." What a bore. FML
Today, I’m mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted, and I feel like the only person I can talk to who actually listens is my therapist. FML
Today, every time I go out with my friend, we get approached by girls. He’s taken, so he’s offered to be my wingman. Every time the girls find out he’s taken and I'm the single one, they tell us how they were only interested in him. I’m working my ass off trying to improve myself, and these are my results. FML
Today, I have been trying to keep up on chores. I washed all of the blankets in the house, then had to pick up my son from school. I couldn't find my phone before leaving though. When we returned, we found out where it was. The washer. It's not coming back from this. FML
Today, I had an offer for a job, and was going to receive the offer letter… only if I would postpone my oncologist appointments. FML
Today, my wife yelled at me for not helping her rearrange the furniture. I have a sprained shoulder and have been ordered by my doctor to avoid heavy lifting. She said, "Move the couch or sleep on it." FML
Today, as a college student on a budget, I treated myself to a haircut. The stylist asked if I liked it, even though it was much shorter than I wanted, and I said yes. When I got home, my roommate asked if I had joined the military. My mom asked if I was OK. I'm wearing hats for the foreseeable future. FML
Today, a maintenance crew came to shovel outside our apartment at 1:00 a.m. They were a hired third party so our usual maintenance guy can't stop them, they didn't speak English for me to communicate, and the cops don't consider shoveling a noise complaint. They woke my kids, and I have to be up again in a few hours. FML
Today, my stepmom noticed that I lean more to one side when I walk. I'd never noticed this. I've had right hip pain and both my parents agree this was to compensate for that. I've also been doing stretches for a few days but they haven't helped. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 5 years confessed he'd logged into my computer and read some of my texts. He's blaming it on weed making him paranoid and has apologized, but I feel betrayed and have no one to talk to about it but my shrink. I feel lonely and hurt. FML
Today, the high point of the day was seeing someone I don't see or talk to very often, and I realized that 99% of the reason we hang out is because I get along with her kids. FML
Today, I was in a meeting with the team I lead and some of the bigwigs. I was discussing our recent successes, when one of my underlings decided to be a clown and made a dumb pun. The bigwigs all snorted and one said, "The half hour of boring drivel was worth it for that." FML
Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I couldn't tell her where the vitamins were in the pharmacy. The manager came and yelled at me for being lazy and incompetent. I work in the store across the street from the pharmacy. FML
Today, after I lost $5000 in crypto yesterday, I'm now down about $150k total since the start of the year. I just deployed more and bought $FML to make up for the losses. Hopefully it’ll happen. FML
Today, my dad's girlfriend's adult son not only questions, but also mocks and spits on my poor choices in life. All because I got an ROG 9 Pro rather than an iPhone. He claims his iPhone 12 is far more superior, brandishing its features biblically while pointing out the flaws of mine like blasphemy. FML
Today, I stupidly liked a post on my ex's social media account from three years ago. They then texted me immediately to ask why I was stalking them. FML
Today, my DoorDash account, which is my primary source of income, has been suspended. I got another ridiculous complaint from some overly sensitive Karen because she saw my three dogs in the car while I was delivering. It’s not like my babies were touching the food or something. FML
Today, I tried doing a hair dye at home for the first time. I misread the instructions and left the dye on for twice the recommended time. Now my hair is the color of a traffic cone and brittle enough to break if I sneeze. FML
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