Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I told my husband that I didn't feel like sex. He said, "Funny, I didn't feel like driving to the store for your milkshake earlier, or digging up the flowerbed, or deep cleaning your car, but I did all that to make you happy. Don't I deserve a little reciprocation?" Jesus Christ, I married an asshole. FML
Today, I had two surprises for my boyfriend who was at work. One was a dessert and the other was sexy lingerie. He chose the dessert. Then told me I was an idiot. FML
Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML
Today, my coworker had been distraught over not being able to keep his dog after his divorce, so trying to be sweet, I'd ordered a specially-made stuffy that looked like it. I put it on his desk with a note and cookies. He thought I was mocking him and threw the plate at me. FML
Today, my husband put "sexual favors" on the memo line for my contractor's check. His wife saw it and he had to quit mid-job. I'm stuck with a half-finished house and my husband thinks it's funny. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my husband because our sex life is lacking. We have planned sex Tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. When he came home for lunch, I was naked and waiting for him. He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. Meh, I'm going back to work." FML
Today, it's my birthday. I worked late, so I was looking forward to spending a quiet evening with my husband. When he suggested we go grocery shopping, I got excited thinking he had organized a surprise party or something. He actually just took me grocery shopping. FML
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, as I watched my boyfriend bake cookies, I said he was "domesticated." He looked at me like I'd just pissed on his mother's grave and has been cold and distant all evening. What the fuck? It's a compliment, you dick. FML
Today, I surprised my wife with some new lingerie for our upcoming anniversary, thinking she would like it. Instead of a thank you, I got an ungrateful attitude from her instead. FML
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Top comments
slick5880 22
Can't you do both?
Brelywi 15
So bake the man some cookies, woman!
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Comments (248)
FatSack 0
Damnmmnnn. It's not you, it's him.
mama2b3 20
How do you know?? Op maybe he was just disappointed because he was tired from all that yard work and wanted to relax with a cookie?
FatSack 0
Hence why I said "it's not you, it's him". Could've meant anything.
DrDilllonReese 12
I think we can all respect that decision. Cookies trump sex
mama2b3 20
How do you know it's not her??
Nightvenom 0
Proper first comment edited would read. Then grab a bag of Oreos And tell him he can only eat one at a time. Begin placing them on your body and up the ante as you get more into the " reward". Win win. You get best time of your life he gets cookies( note to self. Through washing after your done you don't want any cookie stuck anywhere)
FatSack 0
I don't know it's not her. But seeing as she posted on FML about the situation, it probably wasn't her. Clearly, she was just trying to reward her husband with some good loving & he had mistaken her offering for something other than what it was. Hop off my nuts *****.
dsbs 9
Show him your moon pies
MrSassypants 34
66 I wish you told her to hop off your fatsack, that would have made my day. :D
FatSack 0
No, it's because some dumb ignorant girl up there keeps trying to throw me under the bus without a legitimately good reason. YOU friend, can piss off too. Thanks. Btw, I'm a female.
tanneriscool 2
Fatsack wins the match. Damn that was great.
FatSack 0
Thanks :)
MedKits 9
Oh cool, more fighting on the Internet. To bad though, I ran out of popcorn a few FMLs back.
BostonBruinsFan 8
53, ful,( fuc ur life) its other way, I want OP as my GF!!!
TaoShaman 24
They completely do. Cookies are awesome, sex not so much.
blushy 14
since when do guys turn down sex?
EverestMelting 23
^^ When there is cookies involved.
slick5880 22
Can't you do both?
melchibr_fml 0
Is your husband by any chance the cookie monster?
moop256 10
Think about it your getting hot and sweaty in the kitchen, and before you know someone's getting spanked with a spatula and getting whip cream eaten off thrm
ScubaSteve96 0
I smell sex and, candy!
Nightvenom 0
Nice pun
adamx88 0
Best comment ever!
grapisy 8
Compromise: sex WITH cookies Might be a bit crummy, but hey, you get your fix.
grapisy 8
Compromise: sex WITH cookies Might be a bit crummy, but hey, you get your fix.
grapisy 8
You must be new here. This double comment thing is caused by the evil demons that live in the internet. From time to time they decide to wreak havoc on the poor FMLers. It is tradition to give the second comment ad many thumbs down as possible. Happy hunting!
grapisy 8
You must be new here. This double comment thing is caused by the evil demons that live in the internet. From time to time they decide to wreak havoc on the poor FMLers. It is tradition to give the second comment ad many thumbs down as possible. Happy hunting!
TheMaster15 10
You mean like that?^
Wederoney 16
Your husband is a ******' retard... and he's probably gay.
freakinglaugher 10
Fact: That tradition started because the early FMLers thought thumbs down would ward off demons. Science has now proven that only DocBastards face could do such a thing.
SoccerGod234 0
Nothing goes wrong with tit's and cookies.
sr101998 0
145- amen to that my friend!
BrickWalls 2
No Sandwich? WTF T^T
grenj 8
Milf and cookies! :)
white16sox 19
Tell him you meant the cookies on your chest.
cyK0tek 0
No...cookies..?? "How 'bout THESE cookies, sugar!?"
OriginalimoaN 15
How would that have helped? He wanted ACTUAL cookies, not chest cookies or chest anything..
iizcalebhearmero 0
10, did I spy a Futurama reference there?
FalconCrunch 4
Cookies n' milk? Genius.
pengyvan 21
Dang it #152 I was going to say that.
Brelywi 15
So bake the man some cookies, woman!
ladyLALAA 29
Get naked and bake! Maybe you will end up getting some AND he can have a cookie!
Jkolbly 11
After a "very difficult yard project" I would be hot and tired. Cookies sounds like it would be better at that time.
Brelywi 15
Naked baking sounds like a rather dangerous situation, unless part of the yard project involved "mowing the lawn." ;-)
SirLongRod 0
What's dangerous about making cookies naked? Unless you fall into the oven when they're baking.
doodlecrzyMeg 15
Oooooooooh just a hint of sexism makes this comment so much better. Women out of the kitchen, that just silly~ they should be making Sammiches XD
Anna-nymous 8
there was no "sexism" there, you just took it out of context and then tried to anger the feminists. people do anything for attention smh
SW500 13
Well they say the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
mduerden 18
Nice :)
mduerden 18
Nice
BostonBruinsFan 8
182, I want the sex, and some pb&f sammiches!!
Internut 6
How about cookies and sex?
olpally 33
That is a winning combo in my book!!! Giggity :D
TPSerigne 9
Your book is probably not even a page long.
sr101998 0
Giggity
imepelepticsir 5
and milk, can't having choking on the job.
Margemander 4
Sounds a little like my husband sometimes. ;_;
Angelrose2004 17
But cookies are soooo good! Especially when they are homade oooey gooey ones!
ChaosAngel17 14
I don't think OP wanted that kind of ooey gooey.
reaxion 25
Ho made cookies are good!
moop256 10
How about a pie ;)
HannahWho 8
Ho made cookies? Then you would get sex and cookies! How expensive and wasteful is it to hire a hooker, pay her for the time needed to bake the cookies and for the sex afterwards!
ChaosAngel17 14
Pies are always fun too ;p
slushybox 9
A way to a mans heart is through his stomach right? :)
slick5880 22
Or his penis. It's tricky sometimes to figure us out.
thegreatbigwhite 2
Or his epicardium
muhamad92 1
Lol. Not too many people know what that means without having to look it up
SoSickWithIt 14
I dunno 9, I'd be pretty happy just to get to continue looking down your shirt... boobies make everything better.
chitown23 4
Your a ******* creep
SoSickWithIt 14
...kinda.
KeyboardWarrior 10
What about his b creep? Can't pick favourites now.
WoshJinchell93 11
Would tear :)
bogmire 6
You just creeped her day
SoSickWithIt 14
I'm just saying what every guy between the ages of 12 and 49 is thinking. :P
rinse087 0
Yeah. All we think about is cookies.
asmb100 27
I prefer a large knife to the chest, offset from center slightly. But hey, whatever floats your boat.
KeyboardWarrior 10
Well, cookies are pretty boss. Especially white chocolate chip.
PaulB123 11
Food is a man's best friend!
infinitii 0
Pretty sure dogs are a mans best friend. You've got it wrong sir.
PaulB123 11
Who doesn't eat dog?
silversti 0
you got a point