Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML
Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML
Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML
Today, I got this beautiful girl's number at a bar. After the night was over, I was pretty drunk and sent too many drunk Snapchats. When I'd sobered up, I deleted them. She asked why I deleted them, so I said because I was drunk and didn't remember what I sent. She hasn't messaged me back since. FML
Today, my boss mistakenly drunk-texted me and was talking shit about me. FML
Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML
Today, I went to work completely hung over. I was at my desk for 5 minutes before security threw me out on my ass. Apparently, I’m hung over because I got fired yesterday and got blackout drunk, completely forgetting that I had been fired. FML
Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML
Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML
Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML
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Top comments
qwertyone 0
Drunk you or not it was still you. You are responsible for what you do drunk and you chose to drink in the first place. I hope the "drunk you" doesn't drive.
nazooer 11
Bahahahhahaha... Don't drink so much
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Comments (175)
xNephilim 19
I absolutely love how this is worded. FYL, though.
zarathustra2k1 2
******* ameritards & ther holier-than-thou drivel. /facepalm
galactictoast13 22
your like bruce banner "HULK SMASH"
Deltaaaaaa 0
Drunk me does the same thing.
dream1_fml 5
Drunk you is just trying to be nice! That is bad though, fyl
make_me_smile 4
you make it seem like losing the coffee machine is more important than the job and girlfriend.
insomniac8400 13
ydi for drinking. smoke bud instead. I've never done anything stupid stoned, except eat a whole pizza by myself
I_AM_DEATHXx 7
Oh no! Not the coffee machine!
jjmiller1985 10
Cut back on the sauce
Dynamite73 25
Ugh, not the coffee machine! It's the only antidote for Monday mornings! But you deserve it none the less.