By AloneAtPerkins - 18/11/2020 13:02 - United States - West Bend

Tree trunks

Today, I shaved my legs. It's been so long since I've shaved that my razor broke. FML

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628

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308

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Sorry…

Ambien conversations are the worst

Kids

By jll14 - Malaysia - Kota Kinabalu

Today, my mom has forbidden me from drinking skim milk, because my sister is upset that I'm skinnier than her. The same sister who refuses to drink any other milk than 2% chocolate. FML

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42531

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2824

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By Jumja - Netherlands

Today, I found out my boyfriends' mother has invented a new kind of cake and named it after me: not because it's delicious, but because of the amount of fat in it. FML

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35121

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5691

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, during a family dinner, my favourite underwire bra got tired of its job and tried to shish-kebab my boobs. FML

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25198

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2386

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By just the tip, though - United States - Grovetown

Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML

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42939

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11874

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By ihatekids - United States - Billerica

Today, after a relaxing week away, my husband and I came home to discover our 17 year old son crashed one of our cars against the other. FML

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31091

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3692

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By Crys - Canada - Kingston

Today, I decided to finish up some Christmas shopping. Instead, I ended up having to buy a present for myself - a new alternator after my car died and left me stranded. FML

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2242

Phew, glad it wasn't me

223

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By TimeForACareerChange - United States

Plop

Today, I told a patient that we needed to collect a stool sample. I left the room momentarily to retrieve what the patient would need. He apparently didn't need anything besides the counter in the exam room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25279

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2304

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By Jailbird - United States - Redmond

Today, I took a group of teens with me to hang up posters for our church's yard sale. Because it's summer, we went out at dusk to beat the heat. Someone called the cops on us, and we were arrested for "gang activity". FML

I agree, your life sucks

4194

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537

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By ballbreath - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I woke up to my dog jumping on my bed and licking me all over. It would've been fine, if I hadn't woken the first time a few minutes earlier to the sight of him going to town on his balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38739

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5157

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By Chimychunga - United States

Today, while helping my dad look for his watch, I found his porn collection. FML

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34179

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5616

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend would not ride in my convertible with the top down because he "didn't want to mess up his hair." My boyfriend is prissier than I am. FML

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1400

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398

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Broken equipment

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument about wanting kids, as I want to have kids but she doesn’t. I explained the situation to my sister. She just kicked me in the nuts and said, “There, problem solved.” FML

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1447

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404

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By Anonymous

Today, we were having a little bonfire. At some point, while I was inside, my stupid roommate filled a beer can with lighter fluid and threw it in the fire, resulting in it spewing 5-foot flames, catching the pile of wood and the chair next to it on fire. FML

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1533

You deserved it

142

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2020 02:00

Goldfinger

Today, I found out my boyfriend doesn’t think it’s important to wipe after he poops. FML

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1718

You deserved it

169

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By Idiots - Canada

Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17500

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47036

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By "chris_lillo" - United States - Waco

Late reaction

Today I bought a new cage, along with some toys, for my bird. I came home to find my bird had escaped its old cage. FML

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1730

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193

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By amorousintx - United States

Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML

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28236

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4147

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By homersgirl - United States

Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML

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29182

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5092

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By dragonstooth257

Today, while on vacation with my siblings and the horde of nieces and nephews, me and hubby managed to sneak in a quickie. It was a quickie alright. Ihe first time in our marriage he blew his load after 2 strokes because he was afraid of being interrupted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2722

You deserved it

562

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By Anonymous - United States - Beaverton

Today, I had my first job interview after three years of unemployment. I was so happy that I broke down into tears the moment I saw the interviewer. Great first impression. FML

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42354

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6552

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By musicteacher - United States - Bethania

Today, I've managed to go my whole nine-year teaching career without anyone vomiting in my classroom. That record was broken today when someone vomited four successive times in front of a class of 46 students. It was me. FML

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34340

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2904

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By sharkgirl4 - United States - Rialto

Today, I was trying to fix a broken desk fan. I'd taken the guard off and was trying to unscrew the blades, when my roommate decided it'd be funny to plug it in. The blades sliced into my thumb. I need stitches, and he still thinks it's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43981

You deserved it

4365

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By grapes - United States - Westfield

Today, I asked my dad for help on some homework I didn't fully understand. He walked away and came back with a huge bowl of grapes and said, "Here's your brain food." Then he left. FML

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22220

You deserved it

1878

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. I asked her how long did she know. She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn." FML

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29160

You deserved it

51127

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By I-love-my-tea - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I had to show my ID to prove I was over 18. I was buying teaspoons. FML

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26973

You deserved it

1985

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By Anonymous - Malta - Qormi

Today, after a dental appointment, my lips were numb. On the bus on my way back home, the cutest girl smiled at me. In attempt to smile back, I forgot my lips were numb and ended up spitting my chewing gum at her. I had to switch buses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47089

You deserved it

5959

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By smoothcoffee - Australia

Today, the bank called saying we were late in the mortgage payments. I was puzzled because three months ago I issued a big cheque to my mum pay off the mortgage. I just discovered that she instead lost it all at the casino. Turns out, she's become a compulsive gambler ever since dad passed away. FML

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51676

You deserved it

4004

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By JulietMarie

Today, I met my older sister's cute male roommate. Everything was going smoothly until he asked if I was her mother. I’m only 20. FML

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2291

You deserved it

197

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

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43200

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3640

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By Anonymous

Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1789

You deserved it

175

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By anime_love - United States

Today, I was waiting for my boyfriend who evidently stood me up. I waited so long, the security came up and asked me to leave, because I was scaring the staff. FML

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31766

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3856

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By a critically injured shitehawk - United Kingdom - York

Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML

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35065

You deserved it

3003

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By Anonymous

Today, I finished my first shift at my new summer job. I've only been working there for 6 hours and they already call me, "The blonde one". I made straight A's in my last semester of college. FML

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1439

You deserved it

310

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML

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18646

You deserved it

42631

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By Anon_a_mouse - Reserved

Today, I came home from a week-long vacation, only to find my mother-in-law didn't just dog-sit while I was gone; she moved in, along with all her possessions, and seems to think it's a permanent deal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40228

You deserved it

3670

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By overreacting - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I picked up a rock outside and put it in my pocket because it looked cool. A teacher holding the door open stopped me and sent me to the principal. I was confused and asked the teacher why the strict action. She replied that someone has been putting rocks in the toilet. I got a detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31815

You deserved it

2987

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the school bus, I rapped on a window in an attempt to get my friend's attention. A guy sitting behind me took this as an opportunity to shove my face into the window, breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35810

You deserved it

5320

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After speaking her first words and taking a break, she posted on Facebook: "I speak ching chong! :D :D :D" FML

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14494

You deserved it

2156

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By kittykat - United States

Today, I snuck out of my bedroom to go pee very quickly, so I wouldn't wake up my new puppy who doesn't like being away from me. In the 60 seconds it took me to pee, wash my hands and walk back into the room she had pooped, peed, and left potty-paw-prints all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44541

You deserved it

8060

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Gent

Today, I was verbally and physically attacked in a public pool, because I was swimming in what a grandma claimed was her part of the pool. Since I'm a very tolerant person, I calmly tried to talk some reason into the elderly lady. The lifeguard had to come to protect me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23734

You deserved it

1759

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Top comments

By ViviMage | 38

#7952852 - Thursday 19 November 2020 1:56

YDI, it's no shave Movember!

COMMENTS

By ViviMage | 38

#7952852 - Thursday 19 November 2020 1:56

YDI, it's no shave Movember!