Today, I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. I dressed and... - FML

By ArtistBlock - 25/11/2016 05:10

Today, I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. I dressed and stuffed the turkey, popped it in the oven and sent a mass text out to my family about how amazing it would be. Everyone arrived, we began making plates of food when I checked the turkey, and realized I never even turned on the oven. FML

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Proactive

Rock, hard place

White line fever

By hihipanda - 30/8/2009 12:58 - Singapore

Today, my friend and I went to a bar for drinks. I noticed this cute girl and went over to say "Hi." I had a great conversation with her and I asked for her number before she left. She passed it to me on a piece of paper with instructions specifying for my friend to call her and not me. FML

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By tooflufoschool - 14/10/2009 13:00 - United States

Today, I was in bed sick from pneumonia. I asked my boyfriend to nuke a can of soup for me. He said "in a sec, let me finish this game" and continued to play on his Xbox for an hour. Starving, I crawled out to make soup. When I sat down to eat, he paused the game and asked "you didn't make me any?" FML

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By fuck no! - 19/4/2020 23:00

What are you not getting?

Today, trying to be a little fun and flirty, I asked my husband if he wanted to play strip poker. He replied, "Nah. Not much fun with just two people." Not sure if he’s suggesting swinging or if he's really just that dense to what I wanted. FML

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By fire - 15/12/2009 00:00 - United States

Today, I had to call 911. Why? My fireplace caught on fire. FML

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By mubaki - 24/7/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, my little brother texted me informing me that our father has "become a nudist" since returning home from a month-long trip abroad. I thought he was joking or exaggerating, but when I went over to say hi, the first thing I saw upon walking through the door was my dad's droopy ball sac. FML

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By fuckcops - 13/6/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, I got my paycheck. I was really excited since I've been broke for the last two weeks. On my way home, I got pulled over and got a ticket for expired tags. The $90 for new tags plus $135 for the citation will leave me with enough to buy a burger. FML

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By uetlqdja - 21/5/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

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By ===== - 14/1/2014 17:59 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, the sewage pipe busted on the side of our house, spew fecal matter and the condoms I recently flushed. My parents now refuse to talk to me, and won't let my girlfriend anywhere near the house. FML

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By Speedy - 20/7/2010 13:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my driving test for the first time. The instructor stopped it after less than ten minutes, and insisted she drive back to the test centre "in the interest of public safety." FML

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By Nurse - 31/8/2018 15:00

Today, a pregnant woman asked me to give her a demonstration on how to push when having a baby. I agreed and pushed, but I may have pushed a little too hard because I shat myself. The pregnant woman laughed and said she was hoping that would happen. FML

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By Jason Brazil - 20/10/2019 00:01

Hypochondriacs of the world unite!

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my wife frantically saying something about her having scabies, and that I had to take her to the ER. It turned out to be eczema. FML

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By Uhohwemadeamistake - 29/9/2017 16:00

Today, my new neighbor broke into our new house because his key didn't work. We just closed on the house this week and changed the locks when foot prints were found in the bathtub after the cleaning crew went through. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

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By chuchundra - 8/3/2014 20:06 - United States

Today, I got back from a two-week vacation. During my vacation, I had a friend from work watch my puppy. My puppy now likes him more than me, and won't stop whining sadly since he left. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2014 16:59 - United States

Today, after driving hundreds of miles to sign the paperwork for my new job, I found out the guy who hired me recently quit, and HR has no idea who I am. FML

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By peeepeee. - 3/6/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, while taking a drug test for a volunteer job, I found out that I have a "shy bladder". It took me ages to pee into a cup. I was congratulated and clapped for by complete strangers when I finally left for taking a piss. FML

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By doggie_doo_face - 6/2/2010 00:50 - United States

Today, my dog accidentally crapped on her leash. When I flicked the leash to get the poo off, it went flying. Have you ever had warm poo hit you in the face on a cold day when there's 6 inches of snow on the ground? I have. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2015 03:16 - Canada - Ajax

Today, I had to call a parent and tell them that their special needs daughter is pregnant. FML

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By Mothering - 11/7/2011 09:25 - Australia

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 22:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my little brother found the singing Santa Claus from last year, and it still works. I'm now going to be hearing nothing but "We WISH you a MERRY CHRISTMAS!" for the next 20 days. FML

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By Uknowwh - 4/11/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend and the guy I had a crush on for 2 years are getting married. The worst part is that they've been dating for 2 years in secret, and just came out about it now. I've been telling her for 2 years how much I like him, and she's encouraged me the whole time. FML

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By Deaf Dumb & Blonde - 1/9/2016 21:17 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I told my boyfriend I wanted to feel special even if for just one day. He said he would do the laundry for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 08:00

Frustrated

Today, after 10-plus years of marriage, my husband still gets off after 5 minutes. I find myself just wanting to just go down on him, instead of being unsatisfied right when I start to get into it myself. FML

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By NJ <3 - 10/1/2012 15:34 - United States

Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML

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By Uglyshirts - 9/4/2009 08:44 - South Africa

Today, I was the first one to wear the ugly corporate shirts we received. The people in my office-all of them guys were all saying that it looked a lot better than they thought it would. Later that day I went to the toilet and saw the shirt gapes open in front and you could see my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. I hope my charm and smile was enough for them to forgive me for not wearing pants. FML

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By Jill - 9/4/2011 22:00 - United States

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

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By Darkness162000 - 8/1/2010 00:21 - France

Today, I found out that while I was on vacation my neighbor had let my brother into my apartment. I don't have a brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2019 20:00

Drunk dick

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called the cops on me and told them I wasn’t letting him in the house. His keys were in the door, he was just too drunk to unlock it. FML

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By Scarred - 4/9/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML

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By Chris75 - 1/9/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, my whole family piled into our station wagon just to watch my mom take part in an arm wrestling contest. FML

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By angrypetowner - 29/3/2016 03:24 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I tried to train my cat to scratch the scratching post by giving her a treat every time she used it, but she took that as getting a treat every time she scratched something. Now, not only does she scratch all my furniture, but she also meows for a treat while doing it. FML

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By Judy - 19/9/2012 23:33 - United States - Altoona

Today, I was called into my 17-year-old son's high school. Why? Because it was Wednesday, also known as "Hump Day" and his friends managed to convince him that you're supposed to go around and hump people. FML

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By hardtotell - 22/1/2010 00:45 - United States

Today, a man I don't know came up to me and started screaming about how "all you damn Mexicans were stealing American's jobs" and he stormed off. I'm Native American, and I'm pretty sure we've been here longer. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2014 16:59 - Egypt

Today, my non-English-speaking grandma bought me a new t-shirt. It would've been sweet if it didn't have the word "bondage" written on the back in pretty, bold letters. I had no choice but to wear it while we went shopping. FML

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By Shoe - 27/2/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, my boss told me he suspected his wife was cheating on him. I told him to pull up her Facebook page to look for suspicious activity. I looked at her profile picture and said, "Damn, that girl next to her fine! You know her?" It was his sixteen year old daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2015 07:12 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML

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By girlie - 4/3/2009 23:45 - United States

Today, I was in the gym, when i noticed three trainers who worked there staring at me. Thinking that they were checking me out, i turned the speed on the tread mill higher. Finally one of the trainers came over, and asked me to leave until i got a sports bra that actually worked. FML

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By porn daddy - 21/6/2017 00:00

Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML

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Top comments

By kristinjeaneen | 21

#6717789 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 3:26

You didn't check the turkey or notice you couldn't smell it cooking?

By chirstinap325 | 21

#6717776 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 3:02

More time to bond with family! Four more hours of it or so..

Comments

By chirstinap325 | 21

#6717776 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 3:02

More time to bond with family! Four more hours of it or so..

By kirby1964 | 20

#6717777 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 3:02

Chin up, it is not that uncommon a mistake. Hope everyone understood, and yes you will hear about it every year from here on out.

By RichardPencil | 28

#6717778 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 3:06

You're family is going to give up overrated holidays ... cold turkey.

By dieders | 24

#6717779 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 3:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6717793 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 3:39

You basically liked your own comment. Great puns are great. Yours... not so much. :)

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6717928 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 15:01

Why would you want things to heat up with your family? This is thanksgiving dinner, not a porn video.

(and no, you aren't)

Reply

Taco The Dank | 27

#6718829 - Saturday 3 December 2016 20:30

You're really good at making bad plays-on-words.

By TheMisfitScribe | 17

#6717781 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 3:10

I feel for you, this easily sounds like something I would do. I hope everything turned out alright and everyone was understanding.

By RememberSchlitz | 9

#6717784 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 3:15

Pizza delivery is your friend. Couple pies, some garlic knots and wine.... That's-a Thanksgiving!

By kristinjeaneen | 21

#6717789 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 3:26

You didn't check the turkey or notice you couldn't smell it cooking?

Reply

ArtistBlock | 6

#6717877 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 10:05

I asked my husband to check it periodically for me; since I had a whole bunch of other dishes to make and prep-- he told me he'd been checking it and it was doing sooooo good. Turns out he's lazy.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6717930 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 15:03

Well I guess that's the last time you trust him with checking on your cooking.

By gosh_mate | 30

#6717792 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 3:34

At least you still spent thanksgiving with your family! I hope they understood and there was other delicious food ready. :)

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6717794 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 4:05

It's okay, one year my sister forgot to even thaw out our turkey. We went to IHOP for dinner that year. :)

Reply

kitsuneluvuh | 12

#6717826 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 5:59

That seems to be an easier mistake to make than not noticing the oven's off with a raw turkey inside until it's time to eat, since turkeys take much longer to thaw than people would think: 1 day per 4 pounds inside the refrigerator.

Reply

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6717980 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 19:28

Fair point. And she did learn something from the experience. We still joke about it almost every year, and she laughs along because she knows she was a dork.

By cootiequeen4444 | 11

#6717801 - Wednesday 30 November 2016 4:43

Your FML handle could've been CookBlock...