Work: Today, while sewing, I learned that I cannot hold pins in my... - FML

By The Seamstress - 20/05/2017 11:00 - United States - Irving

Today, while sewing, I learned that I cannot hold pins in my mouth and chew gum at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 012

You deserved it 5 404

The smell detective is on the case

Hiding from the drama

Mother of the year

By Miscellaneous - 17/06/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I went in for an interview with a firm where I'd done some interning before. After shaking hands with both the directors, I went to shake hands with one of the director's wives, who also works there. Turns out she was going for a hug and kiss on the cheek. I ended up kissing her on the lips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 820

You deserved it 656

By Lou - 01/06/2010 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the supermarket; it was taking me ages to walk home because of the heavy food bags. Halfway home, I realised I had gone in my car. I had to walk all the way back to get my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 536

You deserved it 58 588

By ZittyMii - 03/07/2010 19:52 - United States

Today, a friend of mine had a Wii party and made everyone into Miis. My Mii had freckles. I don't have freckles. When I commented on it, she said, "Well, there isn't a zit feature." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 392

You deserved it 6 079

By angry girlfriend - 25/08/2014 03:27 - United States - West Harrison

Today, I found out that the reason my boyfriend hasn't texted me recently is that he'd forgotten he was dating anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 195

You deserved it 5 643

Blood is thicker…

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 13:57

Spicy

Today, it's been a dozen years since I had sex, as my husband is mentally dealing with molestation as a kid by his uncle. Meanwhile, his mother is on vacation with the molester. Yes, she knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 441

You deserved it 79

By waltzy777 - 26/04/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because of this, i had to mow our lawn to make sure it looked nice. I got a little bored and decided it would be funny to cut a rather large penis into my yard. right when i finished, i ran out of gas. My 83 year old grandmother saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 588

You deserved it 82 927

Grooming tips

By love bitten - 14/07/2021 10:01 - Australia

Today, after two months of having a bird, she finally trusts me enough to perch on and even preen me. Unfortunately, it seems she thinks my freckles are lice and she's made it her mission to bite them off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 776

You deserved it 102

By Jacoobic - 05/07/2019 20:00

Today, I bought an expensive, heat-resistant double-sided tape to attach my dashcam to the windshield. It didn't last five hours, but has stuck nicely to the floor mat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 498

You deserved it 146

By supervisor - 06/11/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, at work I wrote up my boyfriend (whom I've been secretly dating, because I'm his supervisor) for being $40 short on his register. Our policy is to write up anyone short over $10. He got mad and told my boss we're dating, and I was instantly fired. Then I got dumped for being a "tattle-tale". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 815

You deserved it 18 157

By Anonymous - 10/04/2015 18:04 - United States - Milton

Today, a guy tried to carjack me. Good news: I drive a stick shift, and the idiot apparently couldn't, so I still have my car. Bad news: he was so angry, he beat the shit out of me. I had to get stitches, and now I look like I went on a date with Chris Brown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 499

You deserved it 2 636

By thanksmom - 01/05/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, I called my mom for the first time in a few weeks, just to chat because I miss her. When she picked up, the first thing she said was, "Why are you calling? What's wrong? Do you have swine flu??" When I told her that I didn't, and I just wanted to chat, she hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 994

You deserved it 4 444

By loon - 28/10/2008 11:13 - France

Spicy

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 709

You deserved it 9 721

By FMlovelife - 28/06/2012 15:28 - United States

Today, I stumbled across my ex's blog. Apparently, while dating me, he realized he was gay. Good to know the one guy I've dated, lost my virginity to, and fell in love with, was never truly attracted to me and was dating me just to be sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 683

You deserved it 2 948

By happybirthday - 22/04/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, was my birthday. I purposely didn't log onto facebook all day so that I could read all my birthday wishes at once. When I logged on at the end of the day I had one notification. My "friend" had commented on a picture of me, saying I looked like jabba the hut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 915

You deserved it 9 438

Tasty!

By Username - 31/01/2011 15:47

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 992

You deserved it 5 709

By Phabia - 21/04/2015 00:16 - United States - Newton

Today, I was sent to the front office for having blood shot eyes and smelling like smoke. I just didn't get enough sleep and had trouble putting my contacts in, and I always smell like smoke because of my parents' excessive smoking. They didn't believe me. My parents had to come in to back me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 888

You deserved it 2 310

By Enko - 09/11/2008 07:43 - France

Spicy

Today, my mum was watching a program about sexually transmitted diseases. Later on she starts telling me that I should be careful and use the right protection when having sex. Suddenly she stops and says « Actually I don’t know why I’m telling you this, after all you don’t have a boyfriend! » and walks away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 453

You deserved it 5 222

Classy

By 1234 - 11/07/2009 16:41 - Canada

Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one rip. My husband yelled, "She likes to eat beans." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 477

You deserved it 10 404

By Anonymous - 18/08/2015 13:26 - United States - Manchester

Spicy

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 241

You deserved it 3 998

By Authentik8 - 16/09/2011 22:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that one of my university flatmates arrived early for Freshers Week, and had a party which involved the place being trashed. I'm going to lose some of my deposit for damage caused before I even arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 823

You deserved it 2 217

By Anonymous - 24/02/2016 17:58 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my girlfriend made me a chocolate cake to try and cheer me after my dog died. My dog died because my dad fed him chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 250

You deserved it 1 876

By allalone - 14/07/2010 00:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 284

You deserved it 45 290

By FranchezDeVista - 30/08/2015 18:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was talking to my mom about my issues with my girlfriend. While she was sympathizing, she slowly picked up my wallet, took $100 and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 028

You deserved it 2 251

By I_dislike_Twilight - 08/09/2011 12:52 - United States

Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 314

You deserved it 4 686

By Hunterxx - 07/08/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, my husband thought it'd be funny to trigger the alarm in the house while I was sleeping. Shocked, I ran outside naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 655

You deserved it 7 200

By Lackadaisical - 15/01/2010 00:01 - United States

Today, I thought I'd be safe by looking before crossing a one way street unlike I normally do. Too bad I looked the wrong way and didn't see the car that hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 224

You deserved it 35 547

By Bawsack - 06/04/2017 00:00

Today, I dyed my hair. It was all going well, until I forgot I had a head full of product and scratched an itch. I didn't realise my mistake until later, and now have to replace my six-month old sofa because it has a huge stain that alternates from purple to bleach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 336

You deserved it 3 035

By Anonymous - 06/07/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 898

You deserved it 3 215

By Anonymous - 11/05/2013 05:15 - United States

Today, my parents scoured my browser history, certain that I have a hidden Facebook account that I'm using to get up to no good. Their reasoning was that there's no way my only friends are my relatives and that all I can post about is about the weather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 227

You deserved it 7 410

By Anonymous - 12/05/2018 20:30

Today, my child told me when she makes enough money to support herself, she's never going to speak to me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 790

You deserved it 1 114

By hairless - 09/10/2011 03:53 - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way that your little brother is not joking when he threatens to shave your eyebrows if you don't let him watch cartoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 377

You deserved it 6 753

By fat - 12/07/2010 07:52 - United States

Today, I noticed that I've gained so much weight that even my feet have stretch marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 146

You deserved it 50 178

By Anonymous - 12/06/2012 10:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I got really bored at work. I decided to spin myself around and around in my chair until I got really dizzy. Apparently my boss decided to start watching me do this while I was in mid-spin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 292

You deserved it 30 051

By Weddingbelles - 12/09/2016 15:52 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 199

You deserved it 769

By Anonymous - 07/06/2013 22:00 - United States

Today, I got to drive my mom's car. I'd recently watched the new Fast and Furious movie, I thought it'd be fun to drift around a few corners. I ended up smashing straight into someone's front yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 095

You deserved it 119 544

By Katelyn - 20/04/2012 17:58 - United States - Folsom

Today, I was pumping gas, when my daughter called me. After I hung up, I put my phone on the car roof while I grabbed my bag. I completely forgot about it and only realized when it shot off the roof as I braked at a traffic light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 542

You deserved it 25 115

By Anonymous - 12/01/2013 20:12 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I spontaneously poured my heart out for my boyfriend, telling him how much I love and adore him. He answered by leaning in close, saying "Jolly good" in an affected accent, and burping loud and clear in my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 405

You deserved it 5 063

By boohoo - 04/06/2012 12:45 - Netherlands - Amstelveen

Today, I was on a date with a very intelligent and handsome guy. I was so nervous that when he was telling me about his twin sister, I asked him if they were identical twins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 532

You deserved it 20 966

Sticky

By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, I read that using vegetable oil would give your legs a smooth feel, especially if you haven't shaved for weeks. So I tried it out. My legs felt slimy, the oil clogged up the blades, and I was reduced to shaving my legs with a naked razor head and soapy water. Endlessly smooth indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 981

You deserved it 27 619

By failure - 08/04/2011 05:24

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 671

You deserved it 80 731

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

pro_panda_ganda 10

Send a private message

Saturday 20 May 2017 21:46

That's not an FML - that's a Darwin award in the making.

RinoaHeartilly 36

Send a private message

Saturday 20 May 2017 19:19

That should have been obvious.

Comments

RememberSchlitz 9

Send a private message

Saturday 20 May 2017 18:11

Oh, I can still odd with the best of them but after reading this FML I can, sadly, no longer even.

Send a private message

Saturday 20 May 2017 18:40

Do you chew like a T-rex?

Send a private message

Saturday 20 May 2017 18:57

Did you think you could?

RinoaHeartilly 36

Send a private message

Saturday 20 May 2017 19:19

That should have been obvious.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Saturday 20 May 2017 21:32

Do you chew on pins or try to hold up a hem with gum?

pro_panda_ganda 10

Send a private message

Saturday 20 May 2017 21:46

That's not an FML - that's a Darwin award in the making.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Saturday 20 May 2017 23:10

What about walking? Can you walk and hold pins at the same time?

Send a private message

Saturday 20 May 2017 23:44

What about sharp pointing things in your mouth while chewing ever sounded like a good idea? Darwin award or episode for 1000 ways to die in the making.

Gwengreen 6

Sunday 21 May 2017 1:18

Guess common sense isn't common...

Send a private message

Sunday 21 May 2017 7:22

OP here. I can't believe this got published! I quit smoking awhile ago and chew Nicorette. I had gotten into the habit of pinning seams and holding the pins in between my lips as they are easier to grab. I kind of forgot about that when chewing the gum, hence a 'sticky' mess to toss away without injury thankfully. *sigh*

Send a private message

Monday 22 May 2017 23:19

Please don't hold pins in your mouth when you sew! They're surprisingly easy to inhale if you unexpectedly sneeze or something, especially if they have small heads – you may not even realise you've done it if you're distracted or concentrating on something else – and they can cause serious damage once they're inside, AND they can be extremely difficult to retrieve even if they don't do any harm. Pin cushions that strap to your wrist are super helpful for keeping them easily accessible.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 42

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 148

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 870

You deserved it 1 086