Today, while having sex I managed to chip my tooth. FML - FML

By 530gangsta - 25/4/2017 16:00

Today, while having sex I managed to chip my tooth. FML

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Caught red-handed

Who's a good boy?

This is us

By peestain - 25/10/2010 10:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I babysat my neighbour's spoilt bratty twins. When I told them it was their bed time, they pushed me over. One then started smashing me with a plastic sword, and as I lay helpless on the floor the other one peed on me. I got owned by two five year olds. FML

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By notcool - 15/12/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend upset because my best friend has begun stripping to pay for school. His response was, "Where and what time does she work?" FML

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By whatdidIdo - 3/9/2011 05:33 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with a girl I really liked. She started crying when an overweight family walked in and loudly sobbed about how the parents were "murdering" their children. This made the father of that family try to fight me. FML

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By embarassed - 14/1/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, I got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once I got in my car. I had a huge piece of spinach on my front tooth that no one told me about. I work the front desk of an upscale hotel and have been greeting guests all day. FML

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By Nick - 5/4/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend of almost 5 years (who broke up with me only a week or so ago) told me that she's been speaking to one of my best friends and sees a future with him instead of me. FML

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By ryansmithho - 24/11/2010 19:06 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years. I took the whole day to cook a nice meal, and stuck the ring in a cookie that I was going to give to her. In the middle of the dinner I was holding the cookie under the table, about to give it to her. My dog ate it. FML

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By bTOhno - 13/8/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2012 00:55 - United States

Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML

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By upupandaway - 30/1/2012 23:51 - United States

Today, I spent two hours perfecting a really romantic text message to my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. I listed all the things I loved about him, and recalled some of our best times together. Two minutes after I sent it, he replied, "Huh?" FML

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By LordCrafte - 15/5/2013 23:43 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after finding out that I would never be able to move my dominant arm again, I decided to talk to my best friend about it because it was getting to me. She responded with, "It really bugs me that you made this conversation all about you." FML

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By alittlepersonal - 5/10/2012 05:59 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 02:00 - South Africa

Reasonable dude

Today, my fiancé told me that he expects me to agree to quit my job to cook and clean after we get married, or he will not show up at our wedding. He earns minimum wage and my salary is 17 times higher than his. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2019 20:00 - Australia

Dumbo's jumbo dungo

Today, I learned not to get a job as an elephant keeper at the zoo when the water at home is out for a week for renovations. FML

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By Pottymouth - 25/7/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, I was having really bad diarrhea. I sat down on the toilet and heard a plop, thinking it was just me going to the bathroom. After I was finished, I look in the toilet to see my iPhone sitting in a pool of diarrhea. FML

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By vhtdgjj - 29/11/2010 18:26 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where my husband works. I wanted to surprise him, so I went up behind him and started kissing his neck. He seemed to love it, and so did I, until I noticed it wasn't my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2013 10:01 - United States - Austin

Today, I came home to a flooded apartment and water still pouring from the ceiling. The woman who lives above me is shocked that I would consider her responsible for the damage and doesn't think she should have to pay for it. FML

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By kitty - 11/11/2012 10:10 - Australia

Today, I watched my neighbor shake cat food calling, "Come here Mollie" at his back door. I then saw my own cat run into his house. I now know why my cat is so fat and never replies to me calling her Bonnie. I guess I'm being cheated on. FML

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By why me? - 6/9/2014 04:25 - United States - Tulsa

Today, my roommate decided that because she has an oral report due, she's going to scream at the top of her lungs until she loses her voice to get out of it. It's been two hours and she refuses to stop. FML

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By lucasbeck99 - 31/3/2015 09:35 - United States - Mabank

Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML

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By ow - 4/9/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, while I was running in a cross country meet, a bug flew into my right eye. Then, a bug flew into my left eye. Not wanting to lose a neck-and-neck sprint, I tried to run blind. I hit a pole. FML

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By "Jam2019" - 15/2/2019 14:00

Today, despite using the bathroom before I left my house, then at the bus station 10 minutes later, I still had to get off my bus halfway into my hour long journey to pee in a back alley or I would have wet myself. I'm 24 and this has happened twice in the last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 22:00 - Canada

Today, I went to my Calculus lecture, one of a class of 200 people. As I looked down I noticed that a guy a few rows in front of me was on Facebook. When I took a closer look, I noticed he was viewing my profile. He stalked the profile for a full 45 minutes. I have never met this guy in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 17:01

Peaky Bladders

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house, dying to pee during a thunderstorm. Ran to the bathroom, but it was occupied. A huge thunderclap scared me pretty bad. When the door finally opened, my girlfriend's mom walked out, laughing. I realized the thunder scared me into peeing my pants. FML

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By "Brittney Anderson" - 24/3/2019 14:00

Today found out I need to have emergency surgery which is extremely convenient considering I'm literally supposed to be moving out of state in 2 days and my whole house is completely packed. FML

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By Username - 15/6/2011 05:07 - United States

Today, a car hit me while I was in a crosswalk. The driver jumped out of her car and stepped over me to check her car for damage. FML

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By Noname - 16/3/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. His hot co-worker came to have a beer with us, and I knew my best friend would think he was gorgeous. I wanted to take a picture of him without knowing, so i tried to hold up my phone and pretend to be texting. The flash went off. FML

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By shahman14 - 2/6/2019 00:02

Today, I started working at an extremely prestigious bank. In the first five minutes of being there, the boss had me do his laundry at a Laundromat, and when I actually tried to work, he kept showing me some magic tricks. Later on, he fired me for HIS mistake of giving an extra $400 to a customer. FML

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By pinkleopleurodon - 9/12/2011 12:23 - United States

Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML

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By tamp - 22/6/2009 07:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I took a late night drive, and after a while he stopped at a gas station and asked if I wanted anything I replied "guess". He came out and gave me a box of tampons. Apparently I've been bitchy. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

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By laurenasabutton - 30/12/2014 13:07 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I dropped my suitcase on my toe. Don't worry, it was already broken. FML

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By Kaboom - 21/4/2009 12:52 - Canada

Today, I went out for a smoke break. A homeless person walks up to me and asks for a cig. As I pull out my pack he says "Oh... Menthols... no I don't smoke that cheap shit". I was called cheap by a hobo. FML

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By why - 5/4/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

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By talkingtoaretard - 25/1/2012 05:00 - United States

Today, I was talking dirty with someone on the phone, when at one point I said, "Oh yeah, you like that?" She responded, "I can't actually feel anything you know, we're just on the phone." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2017 01:00 - Spain - Las Palmas

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the airport for some much needed vacation time. We arrived on time but were stopped at the gate when they told me I didn't have the right passport. The plane left without me. My girlfriend did too. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

Today, my best female friend got dumped. Seeing how I was alone when I got dumped, I didn't want her to feel the same, so I was nice to her and tried to help her as much as I could. I've now been getting constant messages from our mutual friends, telling me to stop hitting on her. FML

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By hatemyjob - 27/10/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I arrived at work and was immediately given a disciplinary write-up for being two hours late for my shift. Apparently the manager had changed my schedule that morning and failed to tell me. FML

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By Missyangel - 31/12/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, my 7 year old looks at me and states, "When I grow up Mommy I want to be fat just like you." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2011 03:23 - United States

Today, my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row. I'm afraid this will turn into a routine thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2012 17:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went to the beach with a friend. We'd forgotten to get our towels out of the SUV, so I rushed back to the parking lot. I opened the passenger-side door and climbed in to begin my search. After ten seconds or so, I realized I'd busted into someone else's car. FML

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Top comments

By awildwhisper | 30

#7444193 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 18:17

Stop using bricks as mouth gags.

By laowang | 13

#7444145 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 16:56

How hard?!!

Comments

By laowang | 13

#7444145 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 16:56

How hard?!!

Reply

CantTouchThat | 27

#7444150 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 17:09

That's what he said

By Cali | 54

#7444158 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 17:17

...on what exactly?

By 8313girl | 28

#7444178 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 17:50

You got her with the line "Its ok, I don't bite." Then you bit her anyway. Shame!

By Elisabethandrine | 29

#7444187 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 18:06

"Doesn't matter, had sex?"

Reply

Cali | 54

#7444589 - Wednesday 26 April 2017 11:09

I will never stop loving that song.

By awildwhisper | 30

#7444193 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 18:17

Stop using bricks as mouth gags.

By species4872 | 19

#7444223 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 19:10

All pro's wear mouth guards.

By newbiemalestr8 | 24

#7444228 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 19:23

way to go, adding acrobatics to the bedroom, but everyone knows you need to use a safety net when you first start out. Oh, and be sure the trapeze is bolted into a ceiling joist

By wickedgetz | 29

#7444250 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 20:08

need to know how this happened. ... follow up please OP

By RockPrincess26 | 16

#7444290 - Tuesday 25 April 2017 21:04

What the fuck are you doing that makes you chip a tooth during sex?!

By NisaSayshi | 24

#7444435 - Wednesday 26 April 2017 1:33

Well, that's liking it rough next level.