Work: Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML

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Work

Family values

Kids

Phone call anxiety

By Anonymous

Today, after I'd remembered to start writing a list of my PTSD symptoms for my shrink, because I'm extremely forgetful, it finally took me three days to remember to write down forgetfulness. FML

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By Martin - 8/9/2020 23:01 - Switzerland

Extreme late fees

Today, I had an appointment to pull some wisdom teeth. I wrote the wrong time in my calendar. Showed up an hour late and they didn't pull the one tooth that actually hurts. Now I've got the pay for the time I was late, plus wait until November to pull the rest. I waited 5 months for this appointment due to the coronavirus. FML

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By she won't see a therapist - United States - Omaha

Today, my wife's paranoia reached a new level. She spent a half hour fretting over the idea that one of the cleaning ladies at our hotel might have taken a used condom from our room and tried to get pregnant with it. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, my teenage daughter found out that she's pregnant, but insists she's still a virgin. Who does she think knocked her up? God? FML

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By nicholascageonyourface - United States - Papillion

Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML

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By makeover-needed - United States

Today, I learned how my coworkers differentiate between my coworker and me as we have the same name, when I overheard one of them ask the other, "Which one, ugly Leslie or hot Leslie?" When the answer was "ugly Leslie," he walked straight to me. FML

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By It burns down there

Today, I used a new fragrance-free hypoallergenic laundry detergent for my underwear, as I have sensitive skin. I got a rash. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was headed on vacation with my family. On the way, our trailer tire blew out. Because the trailer was tilted from the flat tire, the door would not open to get the spare. After breaking the window to get the spare and putting it on, the spare blew out. FML

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By emkaycutie - United States

Today, I was giving a lecture to my class I heard a phone go off. Aggravated and exhausted, I asked everyone to turn their phones off. Then the phone rang again. I lost my shit and spent the next half hour calling my students a bunch of "technology whores". Then I realized the phone was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML

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By NocturnalFox - Czech Republic - Plzen

Today, I went on a first date with my crush. Right before the date, I noticed a monstrous pimple in the middle of my forehead. I covered it with make-up, but it was still visible. The guy spent the whole evening laughing at me and telling me that I look like an unicorn. FML

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By ThreeHoursEarly - 24/1/2020 01:00

What's the time, please?

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

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By SonOfaSpy - United States

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

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By thatsnotmyname - United States - Calhoun City

Today, my boyfriend of a couple of weeks mixed up my name with his ex wife's name. After he said it, he looked at me and said, "You knew it was going to happen." FML

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By slugitha - United States

Today, I was awoken by a slug crawling down my back. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my grandmother loudly announced that she has a yeast infection. Under her breast. She attempted to show me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my date kissed me after our second date. The way he leaned towards my mouth was very romantic. He's pretty tall, so I stretched myself as high as possible to make the kiss as passionate as possible. That's how I ended up belching into his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Hmmm, twins

Today, I found out my boyfriend only dates me because I look a bit like his favourite porn star. FML

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By notsexy - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

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By Anonymous

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML

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By WOWBear - United States - Mesa

Today, a deaf customer came to my work. In an attempt to connect with him I introduced myself in sign language. He just rolled his eyes and pointed at my name tag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I was at a party, and someone called the cops on us. I dove into a bush that turned out to have thorns. I got multiple cuts and a sprained wrist, and got arrested anyway. Its kind of hard to hide from the police when you're screaming in agony. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Gate

Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I caught my ex trying to slash my car tires with a knife. She actually had the balls to claim she was testing my tire pressure, before power-walking off into the distance like nothing had happened. FML

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By kittybad - United States

Today, my wife made me moist cat food burgers as a prank. I didnt have the heart to tell her that they tasted better than the ones she usually makes. FML

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By Firewielder - United States - Midland

Today, I found out the only reason my parents want me to live with them is because of the tax refund. FML

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By Iwasjustmovingout

Today, out of the blue, my husband suggested to his parents that they move to our town for the next six months, with the understanding that we’d see them nearly every day. I found out about this when they starting making plans. FML

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By what have i done with my life - United States - Akron

Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML

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By Notpunny - United States - Silver Spring

Today, while making small talk with a veteran, I made the mistake of using the phrase "Cost an arm and a leg". He was a double amputee. FML

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By uhmwow

Today, I got fired from my job. A coworker that strongly dislikes me convinced my boss I took a day off because I was going to a Trump rally. FML

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By yourekillingme - United States - Mission

Today, I went to see a doctor because I have been feeling of pressure in my chest. After running numerous tests, I was told I was perfectly healthy and had nothing to worry about. I made it as far as the front door before I collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

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By MB - United States

Today, I called a friend of mine who was recently in an accident. She told me that the head trauma has caused her to lose all sense of smell and taste. To try and cheer her up, I suggested I take her out to lunch. FML

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By jeremiah - Australia

Today, I let my brother borrow my car, as he had a job interview. I told him the tank was nearly empty and gave him $20 to put some petrol in it. Ten minutes later, he calls me, saying the car won't start. He filled it up with diesel. It's a petrol car. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I sent an email to a girl I like about how I really feel about her. She later replied "Real funny, tell Michael to change his password!" FML

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By anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I was fired from job as a personal trainer. Why? Because I was working out with a friend while off-duty. Apparently, working out with a friend on a day off means I am training them under the table. FML

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By Z'ev - United States - New York

Today, I went to get my car fixed. There was a vending machine in the waiting room, and I was hungry. The snacks were overpriced, but I still had a little money left over. I noticed a bag of Cheetos hanging loose, so I paid for them, hoping to get two bags. They both got stuck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to volunteer at a soup kitchen. I saw a man working, so I went up to him to ask where I should sign in. Before I even opened my mouth, he told me that they opened at 12 and to come back then for my meal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me how he used to collect little things when he was younger. He then decided to tell me about his current big toe nail collection. FML

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By moweezy9 - United States

Today, I finally taught my mom how to text message people. Now I get a message from her every 30 seconds saying "Hi". FML

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Top comments

By Dogmaw | 0

#250860 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:55

You wear a shirt that says that, you can't be offended by "Hey, gays!". It's a little funny. A little. :)

By Bryan_Z | 0

#250877 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:01

meh, im gay, not really a biggie.

COMMENTS

By freber120 | 0

#250849 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:53

first

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1368219 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 6:20

HHAAHAHAHAHA

By fortytwo | 0

#250858 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:55

that sucks
They probably just ignored it, so it's not all that bad.
Just please tell me you didn't spend the next five minutes trying to explain yourself.

Also, has anyone noticed that all the embarrassing FMLs are the same. "Today, I mixed up my words and said something embarrassing. FML" =

By Dogmaw | 0

#250860 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:55

You wear a shirt that says that, you can't be offended by "Hey, gays!". It's a little funny. A little. :)

By YouAreRidiculous | 0

#250864 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:57

that is such a stupid shirt.

By elmarcelop | 0

#250873 - Monday 1 June 2009 15:59

fuck you #1...i made an account just to write this comment

By Aelaena | 6

#250875 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:01

haha that is awesome

and LOL to 5

By Saluton | 18

#250876 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:01

They are not "guys" in the first place. If I were a girl, I wouldn't have liked being addressed as a "guy".

Redders123 | 1

#984443 - Sunday 25 April 2010 3:32

I live in SoCal - we refer to everyone here as "you guys". Just like in the south more than one person is "y'all". Guys doesn't always mean "male".

OneLittleAdditio | 9

#1536311 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 6:24

agreed 92
I don get all insulted at that.
:]

By Bryan_Z | 0

#250877 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:01

meh, im gay, not really a biggie.

By fueledbyamy | 0

#250882 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:03

haha thats funny :)
and whats wrong with being called 'guys'?
i always get called that, if in a group.
its just friendly, not meant to be derogitory or anything.

By ssfchik17 | 0

#250888 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:05

#4 how is that a stupid shirt?! its gay pride, so whats wrong with people being proud of who they are and showing it?