Today, the two and a half hours it took our poorly air conditioned... - FML

By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 20:23 - Russian Federation

Today, the two and a half hours it took our poorly air conditioned taxi to go 20 miles in stop-and-go traffic was highlighted by our son projectile vomiting all over my wife, a suitcase, and the car. It ended with me having to pay both for the ride, as well as for cleaning the inside of the taxi. FML

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Don't you know that you're toxic?

Gratitude walks

Get me away from here, I'm dying

By broken - 2/9/2009 09:45 - Australia

Today, my mum hit me with her car as she was backing out of the drive way, hurting my leg and crushing my bike. For the third time this year. FML

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By Iahim - 25/1/2020 14:00

The truth

Today, I tried to prank my girlfriend. I said, “I saw you kissing another guy!” She apologized. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 12:52 - United Kingdom

Still got game

Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML

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By BatWife - 29/3/2017 19:00 - United States - New London

Today, my husband cleaned out our fireplace and found a very dead, mummified bat. After chasing me around the house with it, he set it atop the mantel. He refuses to get rid of it, and calls it "Henry". FML

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By Happyforeverx - 25/10/2009 15:30 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I kept restarting my internet, wondering why I wasn't receiving any messages from my friends. Then I realized they were all ignoring me. FML

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By mjbx - 1/1/2012 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to write a romantic email to my boyfriend describing how much I love and miss him. An hour later, I got an email back saying, "I think we need to discuss this." It seems I sent it to my teacher by mistake. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 19:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came into my room, looked at my laptop, and said he could hear the porn I was watching all the way from his room. I wasn't watching porn. We soon realised it was actually coming from his mobile phone. FML

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By IHateBagels - 22/3/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand with the knife. As I grabbed paper towels to clean up the blood, I noticed that the bagel was pre-sliced. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2012 11:53 - United States

Today, at school, I was crying because someone I knew had died. My teacher pulled me aside and said, "I understand you're socially awkward, but don't worry it gets better." FML

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By FML - 5/1/2012 15:56 - United States

Today, I received a ticket for not having my headlights on. The cop who pulled me over had a broken headlight. FML

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By cockalicious - 1/3/2011 05:29

Today, my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys. FML

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By Good sister - 13/10/2011 23:20 - United States

Today, my brother in law got into a fight with my husband. My pregnant sister was yelling at her husband to stop beating my husband up. When I came into the room, I asked why they were fighting. You'll never guess who the real father of my sister's baby is. FML

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By messed up - 16/9/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, I finally told my crush that I like her. She said she could never date me, because apparently, "My best friend likes you." Her best friend is my step-sister. FML

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By V - 9/2/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I visited my 78 year old grandmother. She thanked me for visiting and gave me a magazine before I left telling me I might find something I like in there. When I got home I looked at the magazine only to realize it's full of dildos and sextoys. FML

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By Embarassed - 30/8/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my father why most of the bar was giving him dirty looks at a concert. His air guitar motions made it look like he was jacking off under the table. FML

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By varsity soccer player - 19/8/2011 21:08 - United States

Today, I had my first day of soccer tryouts. We began with a two mile run. Trying to be honest for once, I didn't lie about my time. Everyone else did. I thus got the worst score, and had to run it again. FML

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By fmylife - 26/8/2010 10:09 - Malaysia

Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML

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By OuttaNowhere81 - 15/5/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette in my backyard while my parents were out, because I'm not allowed to smoke. While smoking, my parents came home unexpectedly. In a rush, I flicked it over the fence, and it landed in my neighbor's hair. It was still lit. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2013 14:54 - Finland - Vanda

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because of a tattoo I have. It's a small teddy bear on my leg with my parents' names on it. My workplace has no problems with tattoos, but my boss said it was "unoriginal and lame." It's a memorial tattoo; my parents died last year. FML

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By Jess - 30/5/2009 12:48 - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

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By Oops54321 - 28/9/2009 07:12 - France

Today, I was feeling really horny. I decided to send dirty texts to my girlfriend. I sent the first and she didn't reply, so I sent more and more and then I got one back saying 'Stay away from my little girl.' FML

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By rattledwife666 - 21/1/2017 14:00

Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML

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By caught out - 26/4/2014 23:29 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML

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By AnonymousQuagga - 7/2/2014 03:07 - United States - Flower Mound

Today, I was at the library, working with some classmates on our major semester project. I accidentally killed power to the row of computers by me. I've never had so many enraged faces looking at me before. FML

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By SmallAngel - 22/3/2013 00:35 - United States - Aurora

Today, I found out my mom thought I was a lesbian because I dated a girl in high school. I didn't date anyone in high school. Apparently, guys never asked me out because my best friend told everyone that I was her girlfriend. I had a two-year lesbian relationship that I never knew about. FML

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By edot - 16/1/2010 03:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - 2/11/2015 05:54 - United States - Marion

Today, my roommate blocked my phone number and won't speak to me. All because I mistakenly used her hand soap, thinking it was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 23:02 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My parents got me a box of cupcakes. My brother got me a deck of cards. My aunt got me a brochure on how to quit smoking. I have diabetes, I don't play cards, and I don't smoke. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2010 09:37 - Australia

Today, I was emptying the cutlery section of the dishwasher when I reached down and accidentally got the tip of a steak knife wedged half-way under my fingernail. My mum yelled at me for getting blood on the clean dishes. FML

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By mandapanda - 2/2/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work in the aftermath of a terrible blizzard that came through my area last night, a lady slid through an intersection and hit my car, totaling it. I called my boss and told her what happened, only to have her tell me that we were closed due bad roads. No one told me. FML

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By Shinobi_3 - 26/2/2010 17:43 - United States

Today, while I was eating, a fly kept pissing me off. After three minutes of it buzzing around, I caught it and killed it. Then, without realizing it, I smeared its guts all over the front of my shirt. FML

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By razordot - 28/2/2019 09:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after complaining all my life that no one makes a decent can opener, I have realised that I have been using them the wrong way. I finally figured out that the cutting blade goes on the SIDE of the can not the TOP. I'm 57 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2010 07:16 - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend waits 'til I am asleep to wack off to porn on the internet. We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't want to. FML

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By blegh - 16/1/2009 04:57 - Switzerland

Today, I reached for my beer and took a huge swallow before I realized that I had picked up my friend's tobacco spit cup. "Vomit" is not a strong enough word to describe what happened next. FML

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By gimp. - 8/5/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, I had surgery on my foot. The doctor told me I'd be on crutches for 6 months. I texted my boyfriend the news, promising lots of intimate favors if he'd watch movies with me while on bed rest for the next week. He texted back, "No way. I don't date cripples." Dumped for a broken foot. FML

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By somewhatlucky - 27/12/2011 09:42 - United States

Today, my mom convinced me that she and my dad were getting divorced. I have anxiety problems, so I had a panic attack. She then laughed, and said, "Just kidding, I wanted to see your reaction. It's the best so far." FML

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By Rinelric1998 - 31/10/2013 02:59 - United States - Greensboro

Today, some kid asked me if I was Mexican. After I explained to him that I was actually Venezuelan, he simply snorted and said, "That's the same f*cking thing. If you speak Spanish then you're Mexican." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2010 01:27 - United States

Today, I found out my 19 year old daughter is pregnant. The father is a toss up between my 45 year-old best friend, and the 30 year old guy who cleans our pool. FML

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By whysheheartless - 3/11/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. By making out with her new boyfriend in front of me. FML

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By idiotfucks - 30/4/2014 20:56 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I was hanging out with my friends, and we got the idea to do some improv comedy together for a laugh. Barely two minutes into our fake political debate, everyone had apparently forgotten it was all a joke. Raging ensued, and a vicious fight quickly followed. FML

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Top comments

By balkangiirl | 0

#406584 - Saturday 18 July 2009 2:07

LOL, F the taxi driver's life for having to drive the taxi with vomit now. Even after it's cleaned the stench of vomit can last a while, especially in a poorly air conditioned taxi...

By Moper250 | 0

#407106 - Saturday 18 July 2009 7:04

I thought it was the opposite in Russia, "In Soviet Russia, Taxi Pukes On You."

COMMENTS

By crackberrie | 0

#406478 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:32

hahaha omg. hope your son is ok!

Reply

LP95 | 0

#407263 - Saturday 18 July 2009 9:19

I'm replying to the first post to be on top!

oh, and fyl

By elfuzzo | 0

#406492 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:34

Kill your kid. Even that would be too good for the disgusting bastard.

Reply

kionnalexus | 0

#406528 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:44

Woah there, he's a kid I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to throw up and projectile vomiting usually isn't someones fault either. That's a little harsh.

And this really sucks :/ FYL indeed.

Reply

crb2009 | 0

#861011 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 6:35

o

Reply

emsbitch | 0

#2521730 - Tuesday 17 May 2011 4:03

calm down, Jesus.. I can see you're not a very sympathetic person.

By princesssparkle_fml | 0

#406502 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:37

third.

By simpsonman3000 | 0

#406529 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:44

i have never seen projectile vomit in person lol

By jme208 | 0

#406534 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:46

thats horrible. im so sorry that you had to be in the car with that. fyl indeed

Reply

americayay | 0

#407110 - Saturday 18 July 2009 7:09

I disagree. His kid got horribly ill, his wife got thrown up on, and the cabbie's car got thrown up in. Even the SUITCASE had it worse than this guy, who only had to pay for the mess. Everyone else involved could've written a better FML.

By giggity0giggity | 0

#406537 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:46

wow. that goes to show that shit happens... or vomit happens? anyway, if ur son has an allowance, u can take the cost out of that.

Reply

Kamikazegerbil | 0

#406556 - Saturday 18 July 2009 1:53

That's a bit harsh. Kids don't projectile vomit on purpose you know. Feeling sick in a hot car is bad eough, why make him suffer more? What will it achieve?

By vanessa_nessa_08 | 0

#406579 - Saturday 18 July 2009 2:04

what does projectile vomit mean?

Reply

alwaysalady | 0

#406623 - Saturday 18 July 2009 2:29

Its puking so hard that it sprays straight out, instead of just dripping down your front. It has been known to hit ceiling, and other great distances. It is also rather painful.

By balkangiirl | 0

#406584 - Saturday 18 July 2009 2:07

LOL, F the taxi driver's life for having to drive the taxi with vomit now. Even after it's cleaned the stench of vomit can last a while, especially in a poorly air conditioned taxi...

By OcBeachBabe | 0

#406590 - Saturday 18 July 2009 2:10

poor you. FYL ...

By bubbles1286 | 1

#406601 - Saturday 18 July 2009 2:15

I'm pretty sure your wife's life sucks worse. At least you stayed clear of the mess.