Today, the gift my mother had mailed me for my birthday finally...

By coffee girl - 22/7/2011 20:31 - Canada

Today, the gift my mother had mailed me for my birthday finally arrived. It was a gift card for Starbucks. A gift card that had already been redeemed. FML

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Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Great boyfriend

Weird kid

By tony - 24/7/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, I discovered my 18 year old son has been peeing on the carpet when he is too lazy to get out of bed in the morning and blaming it on the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, I read that using vegetable oil would give your legs a smooth feel, especially if you haven't shaved for weeks. So I tried it out. My legs felt slimy, the oil clogged up the blades, and I was reduced to shaving my legs with a naked razor head and soapy water. Endlessly smooth indeed. FML

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By got got - 30/1/2020 14:00

Great help

Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML

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By krh14 - 10/2/2015 12:59 - United States - Crofton

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

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By thatcreepyteacher - 17/2/2016 04:27 - United States - Mchenry

Reported!

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, at my girlfriend's place I cleaned up her room, put candles everywhere, scented the air and placed rose petals all over her bed in an attempt to be romantic and loving. The first thing she said when she saw all this was "uggg I have to clean all this up". FML

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By need not know - 19/1/2020 05:00

Still married

Today, while fixing my dad's phone, I saw Tinder installed. He's still married to my mum. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2017 20:00

Today, I finally found out why my girlfriend doesn't want kids. She discovered Rugrats recently and, after binge watching the whole series, decided that our would-be children would be too adventurous for us to handle. FML

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By rattness - 7/12/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, I found out the animal that was gnawing behind the kitchen wall all night was indeed a wild rat and his entire family. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2012 20:15 - Canada

Today, my mother was leaving the house to attend her sister's funeral. Just as she was walking out the door, my brain experienced the most horrific shart imaginable, and I uttered through my reassuring smile, "Have a blast." FML

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By itstillhurts - 21/12/2009 04:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I was down the pub with a mate and we got onto the subject of bar fights. I said I thought being glassed wouldn't actually hurt that much. My friend looks at me, calmly finishes his pint and then swiftly smashes his glass over my head. Turns out I was wrong. And we got kicked out. FML

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By Danny - 12/9/2018 20:30

Today, after being together for 8 months, I learned that not only was my boyfriend a liar, but that he is also married and has been for 4 years. FML

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By failure - 28/10/2013 00:41 - United States - Shreveport

Today, my fiancée of 2 years and mother of my son, who is also pregnant with our second son, commented on how lucky two friends getting married were to have found each other. I said that we're just as lucky. She responded, "No. They actually love each other." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2009 05:22 - France

Today, I got unbelievably drunk and pissed in the corner of my room, all over a plug socket, which blew out the electrics. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I paid $70 to learn from the vet that my cat doesn't have a UTI, he's just developed a fetish for peeing on plastic bags. FML

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By Stuckinbed - 19/3/2020 21:00

Hippity hoppity

Today, after I'd had hip surgery, my sister thought it would be hilarious to hide my crutches from me. I can't find them. FML

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By alealovespurple - 16/8/2009 20:04 - Canada

Today, I went through my 15 year old daughter's internet history. On google she searched 'Excuses to get away from your dad' and 5 other variations of the same thing. We were supposed to be having a father daughter day tomorrow. FML

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By voyagevoyage - 9/4/2014 22:38 - France - Les Montils

Today, I told my neighbor that I was going to Réunion Island on vacation in a few months. She said that she'd always wanted to go there. As a light-hearted joke, I said she should come with me. She's now booked a plane ticket. FML

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By pissedoffexgirlfriend - 15/2/2018 06:00

Today, I went to go surprise my long distance boyfriend at college 7 hours away. As I opened his apartment door, I saw him on the couch fucking his “study buddy”. FML

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By MrAwsum - 17/3/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good my phone rings. It was a text from my mom, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML

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By ClothMom - 8/12/2009 07:02 - United States

Today, I was visited by Child Protective Services. Seems someone on my street reported me for neglect because I cloth diaper my children. I moved in less than 6 months ago, so I guess this is how they say, "welcome to the neighborhood" about these parts. FML

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By fuckface moron - 20/6/2020 02:17

Face value

Today, it was was my first day back at work as an esthetician. My first client refused to remove her face mask so I could perform the service. She demanded I just do her forehead, and that she’d only pay a third of the price since she’s only getting that part done. I refused and was written up by management. FML

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By A Henderson - 25/4/2012 20:50 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a potential client that I wouldn't represent him, because suing his neighbor for calling him a pansy would get us laughed out of court and likely get me disbarred. His response was to get violent and threaten to sue me for violating his civil rights. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2017 16:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, after extensive tests due to pregnancy-related issues, I've been told my diet must change. I can no longer eat salt, sugar, gluten, or meat, and lactose is questionable. The doctor hopes it will end after the birth. Seven months to go. FML

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By illequipt - 16/3/2009 03:20 - Canada

Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2019 06:00

Today, like every day for the past year or so, I went for a walk. And like every time I go for a walk, I got severely winded halfway through. I have no medical issues like asthma, I’m just out of shape. FML

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By make america date again - 10/2/2016 17:49 - United States - Blacklick

Today, after months of daily migraines and doctor's visits, I've now been told that my "temporary" hearing loss has nothing to do with my migraines, nor is it temporary at all. FML

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By littlemiss - 10/2/2013 16:17 - Canada - Whitby

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

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By anonymous - 29/1/2011 12:41 - Australia

Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

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By work hard - 7/11/2016 12:38 - Canada - Petawawa

Today, I went into work, thinking it was my last day before I start my new job, as my 2-week notice said to the managers that I can't work after today. None of them believed that I was actually capable of getting a better job and thought my 2-week notice was a joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2011 21:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend tearfully complained that I was smothering her to death with my clinginess, and that I should learn to respect her boundaries. This is after she complained I wasn't giving her enough attention. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2012 08:25 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, at the hospital I work at, I had to deliver my best friend's baby. I later found out that my ex boyfriend was the father. Normally this wouldn't faze me, but it did because we broke up last month. FML

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By bloody good time - 23/11/2019 05:00

Nosebleed

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and he slid his hand up near my face too fast and ended up clocking me in the nose. It is the first time that I have ever had nosebleed while orgasming. FML

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By cwhitney7 - 22/12/2014 15:04 - United States - Waltham

Today, I decorated my boyfriend's house for Christmas as a surprise, just in time for him and his family to come home. Also just in time for him to tell me he's Jewish. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2019 00:06

Today, my fiancé accidentally ran over the priest who is supposed to be marrying us in 3 days. Now, not only do we need a new priest, we need a new church to get married in, with only 3 days to find them. FML

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By Jessica - 19/3/2011 21:13 - Romania

Today, at 21 years of age, my doctor confirmed that I am, indeed, going bald. It wouldn't be such a bad thing, even expected, if I wasn't a woman. FML

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By watchyoself - 28/12/2016 21:45 - United States - Miami

Today, my boyfriend had the very expensive watch he got me for Xmas resized. I dropped it trying to put it on and shattered the glass. The warranty won't cover it because of the adjustments made. FML

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By scaredypants123 - 7/3/2014 15:41 - United States

Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML

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By mick - 29/4/2018 19:00

Today, on my and my wife's very first camping holiday, someone cut a hole in the tent wall while we slept and stole everything, including my keys and the car. Finally getting home, it seems the thieves got our address from the car's sat-nav and burgled the house as well. FML

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By bbns - 14/1/2009 11:57 - Germany

Today, I organized a party, invited a girl I've been secretly in love with for years, as well as a friend of mine who brought along an unknown mate of his. The party was fine, although the unknown mate threw up all over the floor. Now, the girl is dating that unknown mate and is in love with him. FML

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Top comments

By ADayToPierceTheV | 0

#2954882 - Saturday 23 July 2011 1:57

Give it back to her for Christmas

By KarWitz | 0

#2954830 - Saturday 23 July 2011 1:52

My mom tried to do the same, I feel your pain.

COMMENTS

By KarWitz | 0

#2954830 - Saturday 23 July 2011 1:52

My mom tried to do the same, I feel your pain.

baddud300 | 6

#2954871 - Saturday 23 July 2011 1:56

Well at least go in there to get the free song of the week.

KarWitz | 0

#2954878 - Saturday 23 July 2011 1:57

LOOOL. True xD .

supimnyancat | 9

#2954963 - Saturday 23 July 2011 2:14

Take a shit on it and mail it back to her.

flockz | 19

#2955038 - Saturday 23 July 2011 2:27

so are blowjobs from your sister.

ImInABox | 6

#2955076 - Saturday 23 July 2011 2:37

So are blowjobs from your mom.

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2955099 - Saturday 23 July 2011 2:41

So are blowjobs from your grandpa with a deformed penis.

daisyloo | 7

#2955134 - Saturday 23 July 2011 2:55

She definitely put a lot of thought into your gift.

enonymous | 8

#2955309 - Saturday 23 July 2011 3:46

Well did you ask her how the coffee was? pretty rude if you didn't.

Tektite | 14

#2955599 - Saturday 23 July 2011 5:04

LOL oopz.. wrong teh card. :B

dolphincheddar | 10

#2955631 - Saturday 23 July 2011 5:09

better than nothing. at least you didnt wake up naked on the roof

AnonymousTroll | 2

#2955636 - Saturday 23 July 2011 5:10

53- The coffee is either black due to racism or creamed due to sexism. There isn't much to ask about.

kenharb | 4

#2957446 - Saturday 23 July 2011 9:21

Hey it's the though that counts...right?

HouseKeeping | 0

#2957521 - Saturday 23 July 2011 9:34

79- combining similar FMLs is never a good idea.

Thunderbender | 2

#2957545 - Saturday 23 July 2011 9:41

#37 what does your grandpa's penis have to do with the blowjobs he performs?

goaliemkl123 | 8

#2958223 - Saturday 23 July 2011 14:10

hey, at least u got 50cents worth of plastic!!!!!!

MyCleverName | 2

#2958229 - Saturday 23 July 2011 14:11

83, I thought it was humorous...

Swagger_Sucks100 | 4

#2963720 - Sunday 24 July 2011 9:32

your sexy...srry random...but its true (kar)

By goshpeople | 4

#2954854 - Saturday 23 July 2011 1:54

She may have mixed it up with the card she meant to send you, which wasn't redeemed. Things happen.

hannahtaskey | 9

#2955124 - Saturday 23 July 2011 2:52

Probably not.

goshpeople | 4

#2955337 - Saturday 23 July 2011 3:57

I have three Starbucks gift cards in my wallet, and without checking, I wouldn't know what balance was on each of them.

Besides, would you prefer to think that it was done intentionally by the mother? Give her the benefit of the doubt!

JangiJangiJangi | 0

#2955602 - Saturday 23 July 2011 5:04

yo mama dont love you. :-(

By Zmeilerr | 22

#2954856 - Saturday 23 July 2011 1:54

I love Starbucks, but it's so expensive there.

sxe_beast | 11

#2955256 - Saturday 23 July 2011 3:31

Its really not that expensive. Epic quality

chocomilk82 | 0

#2955699 - Saturday 23 July 2011 5:24

dunkin donuts is wayyyy better

sxe_beast | 11

#2955758 - Saturday 23 July 2011 5:36

Dunkin Donuts fails at life.

calphae | 5

#2955775 - Saturday 23 July 2011 5:40

I used to love it but it's not in my city anymore :(

lalala2589 | 0

#2955805 - Saturday 23 July 2011 5:48

Yeah, I've been pretty hit and miss with Starbucks. Sometimes I get a really good drink, and sometimes they taste like watered down shit. Not exactly epic quality.
And being in Seattle, there's a Starbucks pretty much every 2 blocks.

TheRealHouse | 7

#2958273 - Saturday 23 July 2011 14:38

Starbucks is not worth the price, dunkin donoughts is disgusting.. Now Tim Hortons is the shit!! If you don't live near any just wait they will be there soon!