Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML
Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML
Today, my boyfriend's idea of foreplay was to offer to make lunch, leave the room for a few minutes, then come back with no clothes on and offer me a "cockmeat sandwich". FML
Today, I woke up early and made my boyfriend french toast. When he woke up, he yelled at me because it was his dish day and I was creating more dishes for him to do. He made me do the dishes. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were eating ice cream, he put his arm around me and began leaning in for what I thought was a kiss. Instead, he grabbed and began jiggling my stomach fat, along with making raspberry sounds. Once he was done, he did the same to my thighs. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 5 years thought it would be funny to squat above my head completely naked while I was sleeping. When I woke up, his asshole and ball sack was in my face. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said, "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he masturbates to the thought of me swimming in pancake syrup. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
I hope you scrambled his eggs with a sharp scrotal slap.
gusgus36 5
haha whatever, he's just kidding around... you can't use the word "sausage" with a guy and expect them to not say something like that lol
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Comments (192)
rwalker86 0
ydi for dating an obvious douche
TheB0a 5
What I find hilarious about this is that the OP say's her boyfriend shacked his junk "violently", in her face. Funny.
nerdsgetmehot 23
To which you should have replied, "Do you want me to cook you a couple of eggs...Sunny-side up?" After which you should have whipped out your boobs and shook them in his face. ...But he'd likely enjoy that.
alex1432 9
I like the way you think!!
traze 7
I second that #43.
bmexoxo98 0
why's everyone saying cute pic haha?
ilcalways 0
hahah that's a funny one & wow @sexyshmergel yeah I bet your dads proud of you having that picture up. siiiick
phatdaddy62 23
I'm sexyschmergel's dad and I am proud. I told her I thought she overdressed for the picture.
mrjude 3
This belongs on whitewhine.com!
Sparx1_1 16
There's this really nifty thing called communication. Just tell him you don't think it was funny and ask him not to do it again. No need to freak out over a bad joke.
WillKill4Beer 0
You know you want the sausage with a dab of mayo! ;D
HomeAl0ne 20
Could have been worse, he might have suggested salmon eggs Benedict. Then we would have to deal with the smell of fish and a sauce smeared over your muffin tops.
Nickolazx 0
Should've seen that one coming.