Today, my wife is so determined to keep me on my diet that, as I'm off work for the next week, she has gotten rid of all the food in the house. She has also taken the phones and iPads so I can't order a takeaway, and taken all my trousers so I can't walk to the shops. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my husband decided that if he's not hungry, then I'm not allowed to make myself any food. FML
Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML
Today, my wife can't be bothered to do anything that isn't work, talk about her work, and sit on the sofa. Then she complains that I don't show any affection, when she can be bothered to even talk to me. FML
Today, my wife is giving me the silent treatment and has locked herself in the bedroom, all because I politely asked her to put the dishcloth away when she was done with it. FML
Today, my wife was so sick of being isolated with the kids while I, a key worker, got to "escape" to work everyday, that she locked herself in our room and got completely trashed on my cider, meaning I had to stay at home with the kids instead of helping my elderly patients. FML
Today, I was meal-planning for the week, and sent my fiancee a grocery list with the stuff I needed. She ignored the list and bought nothing but junk food. I guess we can just eat cookie dough and sugar cereal, and die of diabetes in our fifties. FML
Today, my new wife and I got home from our honeymoon, and not an hour later she'd sat me down for a talk, saying, "Now that you're married you've got to act the part and give up this silly nonsense," then banned me from seeing my friends, playing video games, and basically everything else I ever enjoyed. FML
Today, my wife doesn't like to cook. She doesn't like when I cook, because I enjoy cooking and she says I'm "making her feel guilty." She also doesn't want to order take out, as it's "a foolish waste of money." The fuck are we supposed to eat? FML
Today, my wife has declared that, unless our son has finished his homework, I'm not to watch TV, play video games, read, use my phone, cook, or go outside, lest I "tempt him" to leave his work unfinished. Guess I'll just stare at the wall all afternoon. FML
Today, in a serious bid to lose weight, I’ve changed my lifestyle, including throwing away the 20-odd takeaway menus we keep in the kitchen. It’s only been two hours and we’ve already had five new menus from local takeaways delivered through the letterbox. Why, Universe, why do you wish me to stay fat? FML
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Top comments
fushengyuan 20
Im pretty sure if u can access fml, u can order food online:)
crankawank 19
I wonder if your wife is super controlling or if you have demonstrated a severe lack of self control •_•
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Comments (66)
MidnaLink 35
I think your wife has never heard of a non-crash diet.
Chirpshooter 1
This seems more like a hostage situation than a diet.
AlbertNeinstein 10
But, how are you using FML?
Attacksloth 33
This sounds more like psychological abuse to me. Can we have an update please? Also, this could have happened in the past, because of the mandatory "Today,..." on FMLs.
PhoenixChick 26
That's dangerous. If she's left you no means to communicate, what about emergencies?
LadyLyra 2
Hmmm...as a wife I must wonder what you mean by "gotten rid of all the food in the house". My husband complains that there's no food in the house when our cupboards and fridge are full of food that takes around 5-10 minutes to make and how we've got nothing that is microwavable. :p
LegitTorture 18
Better try on my dad then lol
merryhappy1887 20
I would be filing divorce papers as you've clearly married a freaking psycho...
trucker2 33
Agreed to the diet but in the meantime take that bitches debit card
vikky538 29
It is called Strict diet..