Miscellaneous: Today, my stepmom asked me to bake pies for a dinner party she...

By anon - Canada - Calgary

Today, my stepmom asked me to bake pies for a dinner party she was having. Since I love baking, I said yes. When I went to deliver the pies, I found out they were for a family dinner I wasn't invited to. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Rock, hard place

Stalker vibes

By thats what my ipod is for - United States

Today, I overheard my grandpa telling my mom he'd found a load of porn in my laptop's browser history, but that he deleted all the "filth" so she wouldn't have to see it. She believed him and I got grounded, much to his amusement. I've never looked up porn on that computer in my life. FML

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By happysingleone

Today, the last of my college friends is getting married and now I'm the last single one. Don't worry though, if one ever gets a divorce we can hang out again. FML

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By ifaisal - Qatar

Today, I was on a date with someone I've had a crush on for a long time. It was after midnight, we were chatting in the car and I was close to having my first kiss ever. That is, until a bunch of policemen popped up to arrest my date for being a suspected drug dealer. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I attempted to score with a previous friend-with-benefits by sending her a photo of my Christmas present, bondage rope. She arrived an hour later in a mad panic. She thought I was going to hang myself. FML

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By whymyroomthough - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up because of a weird noise. Scared, I turned on my bedside lamp. I saw my older, 17-year-old brother peeing in my bedroom doorway. He was hoping I'd step in it in the morning. FML

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By anon - Australia

Today, I watched "Time of the Doctor" and I'm pretty sure my love of Doctor Who slithered out through my ear and shamefully lodged itself in the darkest corner of the room, crying. FML

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By Kate - United States - Kansas City

Today, my boyfriend is seriously mad at me for telling his cat what he got it for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a woman got out of a car to scream at me as I was walking with the kids I babysit, demanding to know where I was taking her children. Apparently the woman who pays me is also a babysitter, who I have been "covering" for on her party nights. The mother doesn't believe I didn't know this. FML

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By LonelyCashier

Today, an old woman came into my store for help. Towards the end, she asked me my name. I told her while pointing at my name tag. She then replied, "Oh! I didn't notice since I was staring at your boobs. Much prettier to look at." Sadly, this is the first time I've been hit on in months. FML

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By Anaconda

Today, I ordered a plain cheeseburger. The cashier was confused, so I explained, "just meat and cheese". When I got my food, my burger didn't have a bun. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 02:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Organisation rules

Today, my college is so intent on teaching us teamwork that we hardly ever get to do any assignment by ourselves. Even if we could do it better alone. Even if we spend half our time trying to find a slot where all the team members are free to meet. And of course it’s a different team for each task. FML

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By TheCrackerNinja - United States

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend telling me to be romantic, I decided to make a romantic bath for us, complete with oil bath beads. After we get ready to take the bath, she puts her hand in the water and says she won't get it because 'it feels slimy'. I enjoyed a romantic bath alone. FML

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By sadphonegirl - Canada - Brampton

Today, I remember that I changed my phone lock password when I was still half asleep this morning, but I don't remember what I changed it to. FML

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By davey d - United Kingdom

Today, I asked a co-worker if he'd cover for me while I slipped out to cash some money at the bank. When I got back, I found out that when he said "yeah, sure" he actually meant "yeah, sure, I'll tell the boss and get your dumb arse suspended". FML

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By David H.

Check 'em

Today, I saw my first boobs ever, at 18, volunteering at a retirement home. FML

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By milkybear - United States

Today, I went to a party where I met an amazing guy. After having great conversation all night and what I thought was a serious connection, I leaned in to kiss him. He screamed, forcefully pushed my face away with his hand, and said he was gay. FML

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By - France

Today, a ball rolled up to me, so I picked it up and threw it over the school wall. A little boy who was behind me asked for his ball back. It's Sunday and the school is closed. FML

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By annoymous - Australia - Glenroy

Today, it was the first time I was meeting my guy's parents. Turns out he forgot it was his mum's birthday and I ended up having to meet his whole family. FML

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By blue.

Today, I'm the coach of a football team. To celebrate winning a game, they poured a cooler of blue Gatorade over my head. This would've been great, if not for the fact that I'm highly allergic to blue food dye. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered that my wife actually encourages my three year-old son to sleep in our bed, as a buffer against any romantic advances. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I checked my Tumblr account to see if anyone had commented on the photos of my new tattoo. There were only 3 posts, and 2 of them were people linking it to "Awful Tattoo" blogs. FML

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By littlekellilee

Today, I reached out to an old friend to ask how his battle with cancer is going. He responded by asking for boob pics. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dansville

Today, my boyfriend and I were having dinner with my family. He killed a bug and ate it. FML

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By TheAnnoyedNeighbor - United States

Today, I came back home to find that my house had been robbed, one week after my neighbors. I was walking around my neighborhood to see if anything was suspicious, and discovered that my neighbors had put up a sign, reading: "Rob the neighbors, THEY don't have a security system." FML

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By Preggie - Singapore

Today, a sweet old lady gave up her seat for me in the bus. She lectured to the entire bus that seats should be given to those in need, like myself who is heavily pregnant. I am just fat. FML

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By Jeri - United States

Today, the day of my 29th birthday and two weeks after our 10th wedding anniversary, the only thing my husband got me for my birthday was divorce papers. Happy birthday, bitch. FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, my six year old daughter cut out the stomach area of four of my favorite shirts. When I asked her why she had done so she replied, "So that they fit your tummy better, Mommy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my girlfriend that I love her. She panicked and blurted out our S&M safeword. FML

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By seaweedlady - United States

Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little brother was playing with my cat, getting it to chase a laser pointer. He thought it would be funny to shine the laser pointer over my nuts. FML

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By romoangel - 21/4/2020 05:00

Full of it

Today, I felt a very sharp pain, like my appendix was going to burst. After going to the doctor, I was rushed to the hospital to get tests done. The doctors later told me there's nothing wrong, I was just constipated. I went to the hospital for them to basically tell me I'm full of shit. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with this guy, I finally found the time and invited him over, fully intending to hook up. He stood me up. FML

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By Mith - Poland

Today, in biology class, I kept seeing a fly mosquito buzzing past my face and I kept trying to swat at it... only to realize that it was a ceiling sprinkler that was about 10 feet away. I have no depth perception. FML

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By kjcarey123 - United States

Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied "the round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now i'm the asshole of the office. FML

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By aere - United States

Today, three girls introduced themselves to me. I had met all of them before. FML

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By sonofawackjob - United States - Syracuse

Today, my raving lunatic mother screamed at me for being "disrespectful", threatened to not pay for my college, swore at me, and accused me of having multiple personality disorder, all in rapid succession. This was provoked by me sneezing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML

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By Rae - 25/10/2020 08:02

Pants on fire

Today, I found out that my mother doesn't have Alzheimer's disease. This would be joyous news, except for the fact that one year prior to this day my grandmother lied to me so that I'd stay closer to home. I've been worrying over a nonexistent illness for an entire year. FML

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By notjustfat - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he was no longer sexually attracted to me. He then followed that with, "But don't worry, it's not because you're fat." FML

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By Airhead - Canada

Today, my guidance counselor told me that I did a really good job playing someone who was really airheaded in my school's play. I wasn't trying to act like an airhead, the director told me that I got cast for the part because the character I was playing was "just like me". FML

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Top comments

By oj101 | 33

#6472514 - Saturday 28 November 2015 14:51

You should make her a cream pie, which you can then shove in her face.

By WittyMoron | 22

#6472525 - Saturday 28 November 2015 14:57

Best mom. 10/10 would child again.

COMMENTS

By Goblin182 | 26

#6472509 - Saturday 28 November 2015 14:49

Are you Cinderella?

derpina72 | 23

#6474498 - Monday 30 November 2015 22:04

Leave and take all your pie with you, OP!

By oj101 | 33

#6472514 - Saturday 28 November 2015 14:51

You should make her a cream pie, which you can then shove in her face.

cameron6731 | 13

#6472540 - Saturday 28 November 2015 15:15

Kinkey ;)

Tripartita | 44

#6472541 - Saturday 28 November 2015 15:17

That ended in a much less disgusting way than I anticipated, #2.

teentee401 | 36

#6472543 - Saturday 28 November 2015 15:18

If you're gonna be gross, at least know how to spell "kinky"

xXShadowStormXx | 12

#6472548 - Saturday 28 November 2015 15:24

This can go two ways...

Darkness_Hate | 29

#6472573 - Saturday 28 November 2015 16:06

I was thinking about something else....Have my +1 anyway!

I can't stand leg puns! | 22

#6473322 - Sunday 29 November 2015 15:19

you DO know that a cream pie is a sex thing, right? I don't think OP should shove that in his Mum's face. Ewww

PHANX0M | 8

#6475293 - Wednesday 2 December 2015 0:51

What about a THREE-way(;

By joeyl2008 | 29

#6472516 - Saturday 28 November 2015 14:51

That's when you slip rat poison into the pies.

BiGTiMeNeRD | 29

#6472581 - Saturday 28 November 2015 16:19

Dude wtf bro... If this is how you deal with slight annoyances, I fear for your family, friends, and roommates.

Tripartita | 44

#6472585 - Saturday 28 November 2015 16:34

I'm always amazed when people read comments like #3 and take their incitements to murder seriously.

MonstreBelle | 28

#6472600 - Saturday 28 November 2015 17:10

28- You mean all of these incitements to murder are a joke and not meant to be taken seriously? Shit, I think I'm gonna need a lawyer...

Badkarma4u | 17

#6472718 - Saturday 28 November 2015 20:28

Because joking about killing people isn't really funny

cole66 | 13

#6472721 - Saturday 28 November 2015 20:30

#45 no, it's funny (sometimes.)it just isn't something you should joke about

joeyl2008 | 29

#6472772 - Saturday 28 November 2015 21:48

I wasn't joking

higgysaurus | 18

#6473121 - Sunday 29 November 2015 7:07

#51 you got serious issues then dude.

By oreoeater | 21

#6472517 - Saturday 28 November 2015 14:51

Put a balloon in them

By Neesalun | 20

#6472519 - Saturday 28 November 2015 14:54

To be completely a jerk, you could have just dropped them face down in the ground outside and walked out. Of course, most people, including myself, wouldn't do this thing despite feeling like I wanted to.

MonstreBelle | 28

#6472592 - Saturday 28 November 2015 16:52

Why would anyone want to waste delicious pie? It should be a crime to drop pies on the ground instead of leaving with them and eating them yourself!

aleyp63 | 13

#6472667 - Saturday 28 November 2015 19:24

Then turn back, and take it home, or back to your room

kirasant | 19

#6472792 - Saturday 28 November 2015 22:25

Yeah this would be my reaction. And yeah it a waste of pie, but the mess it would cause would be worth it.

Danne696 | 14

#6473195 - Sunday 29 November 2015 10:11

It's the principle, if you drop them on the ground you clearly show your dissatisfaction whilst bringing them home might lead her to think that you just want to eat them yourself.