Miscellaneous: Today, my parents used my going away party as a cover up for... - FML

By Anonymous - Sri Lanka

Today, my parents used my going away party as a cover up for my sister's surprise party. I didn't know until they brought out the cake. FML

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Season finale

The smell detective is on the case

Rock, hard place

By Anonymous - 21/2/2021 20:01 - Germany - Zittau

This pandemic is ruining our health in so many ways

Today, I'm in pretty good physical shape. No, wait, that was two years ago. Now I need to take a break after brushing each quadrant of my teeth because my arm gets tired. FML

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By IDPlease

Today my job started requiring all transactions regarding cigarettes or alcohol to have the ID scanned before proceeding. There is no way yo bypass this function. I carded a 60 year old man and his 40 year old son who both yelled at me for 10 minutes. FML

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By Khrixas_069 - United States

Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, the man I was going to dinner with got me the most expensive necklace. We got to the table he had reserved when his friend comes and sits with us. Somehow the subject of getting it on comes up. My date then says "expensive jewelry - one way ticket to her pants". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a guy in a fancy car tailed me for twenty minutes, just so he could take a picture of my license plate and tell me there's a $300 fine for flicking cigarette ashes out your window. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 23:02

Technique

Today, I figured out the best way to endure my wife's lack of sex drive: whenever she complains, I lose the urge myself. Works like a charm, because she complains all the time. FML

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By 221bcompanion - United States - Massillon

Today, I put more effort into getting and keeping my Sims onto a good sleep schedule in order to properly take care of their needs than I did for myself. FML

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By fastfoodslave - United States - Northampton

Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman returned to the drive thru because her fries weren't hot enough. She was so angry about coming back that she threw her cold fries at me through the window and told me to "choke on them." FML

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By secretdoll - United States

Today, I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my sister. I was happily biting into a burrito, when I saw a man in his car in the restaurant parking lot, staring at us and jacking off. FML

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By Noname - South Africa

Today, at a strategy session my manager displayed a flow chart of his employees. I wasn't included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 5 years back. Still bitter, I said, "Hey baby, you remember riding me 5 years ago?" I was then punched in the face and restrained until the police arrived. She'd been having an 8 year anniversary dinner with her husband. FML

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By HellaBomber91 - United States

Today, I went in to a job interview with 6 other girls my age. I tried to sit down on a chair exactly like the ones every other girl was sitting on. Then, one of the interviewers offered to get me a more "sturdy" chair. For the entire interview, I got to sit in the "fat girl chair". FML

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By John Nani - United States

Today, it's Christmas day. Normally, my family would be opening gifts right now. Instead, my mom is holding our gifts hostage until we clean the house. Apparently, "The presents aren't going anywhere." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, I found out that the messages about the issues in my sex life that I'd been sending to my best friend had been sent to my mother via iMessage. She's coming over for dinner tomorrow. FML

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By man down! man down... - Canada - Ottawa

Change it!

Today, I had sex with a friend. It was really good too! Until she kicked me in my right nut while changing positions. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2020 17:01

Healthcare is broken

Today, after driving 3 and a half hours to the nearest major emergency room, waiting 7+ hours to see my grandfather's bowel cancer specialist, we were told to go back to our hotel. Why? The triage nurse never logged my grandfather into the system, so his doctor went home at 9.00 p.m. when he'd finished theatre. FML

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By TJ - United Kingdom - Redhill

Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed. She slipped her hand under the duvet, and I got all excited thinking she was going to give me a hand job. She was actually pulling out her wedgie. FML

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By uterus why

Today, I have realised that since I get laid so infrequently, every time I have sex now, it kickstarts my period. FML

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By Noname - United Kingdom

Not now, Kevin

Today, my boyfriend struck up a conversation about the reproductive systems of seahorses. We were getting intimate at the time. FML

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By Sapphirlinda - Netherlands

Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML

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By RobotUnicorn1209 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I got in trouble for punching my sister. Apparently, it still counts if it's in Minecraft and she looked like she was going to steal my stuff. FML

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By neverakid - United States

Today, I surprised my daughter by telling her that I'm going to treat the family to a trip to the Himalayas in a few months. She promptly threw a tantrum and listed her main reasons for not wanting us to go: "It's a freaking desert there," and, "I'll miss the new Spiderman movie." FML

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By Anonymous - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I was sending some dirty texts to my boyfriend, when I heard a knocking sound coming through the wall. I sat there for ten minutes before I realized I was listening to my mom and her boyfriend having sex. FML

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By wow - United States - Gilbert

Today, my boyfriend got angry and threatened to dump me, all because I wouldn't give in to his demands not to go to a birthday sleepover with my friends. He seriously thinks it's going to turn into some kind of lesbian orgy and that I'll cheat on him. Thanks, PornHub. FML

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By abby181 - United States

Today, my six year old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 8-year-old son told me to grow a pair and man up. FML

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By CatWoman - United States

Catboys rise up

Today, I hooked up with a guy who has a Facebook page for his cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to trip and get stuck in the turnstile. It took five minutes of flailing and twisting around in front of hundreds of people before I managed to pull myself out. FML

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By middleagednurse

Stay Safe!

Today, the cruise that I was looking forward to for over a year was cancelled due to the coronavirus. Trying to salvage what was left of my vacation, I booked a hotel for a few days near a local beach. They just announced that the beach was closed and the hotel is refusing to refund my money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my doctor's office. I thought I had a kidney stone. Turns out I'm pregnant and I have a kidney stone. FML

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By hoplessG - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I told her best friend the plan the day before. I got reservations to a restaurant on the beach, and we were going to arrive via boat. She never showed. Her parents called me asking why she left town to go to Paris. FML

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By awkward - United States

Dirty talk

Today, I was having some kinky sex with my girlfriend. When I said "You've been a bad girl", she looked at me wide-eyed and asked very seriously, "What did I do?" FML

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By wotwzombie - United States

Today, It took me over 3 hours to cut out little letters for an event I'm putting on. It took the wind less than a second to blow them all over campus. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lansdowne

Today, I'm warning you: never spoon naked with your girlfriend after eating taco bell. The shartpocalypse just might begin in her ass and end on your stomach. FML

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By partycats - United States

Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By sassman - United States

Today, I was in class. I am an older student going back for my PhD. I was kicked out of class for "sassing" my instructor for telling him he was wrong about what took place at an event I was actually present at. My instructor is a 22 year old TA. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I found out that my dad has been trying to take money out of my savings account to pay for divorce fees and a hammock. FML

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By KillahCam - United States

Today, my ten year-old brother told me that his thirteen year-old friend took one of my bras and two pairs of my underwear a few weeks ago. Apparently he took them out of my room, put them on, and has been sleeping with them ever since. He's coming to give them back tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

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By David - United States - London

Today, my boss found out I had applied for a much better paying job. He told me I'd do a better job and make more money there. Then he fired me. FML

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Top comments

By foxy_grampa | 19

#5823102 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:25

So I guess your sister wasn't the only one who was surprised

By jimmy_vansuelo | 10

#5823107 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:27

Guess you know who the favorite is?

COMMENTS

By foxy_grampa | 19

#5823102 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:25

So I guess your sister wasn't the only one who was surprised

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5824049 - Saturday 11 January 2014 9:10

Two for one?...

By ZackCraft11 | 15

#5823103 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:26

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

TheCrispyCat | 20

#5823106 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:27

No it doesn't. OP's parents are flat out assholes.

By rob02 | 19

#5823105 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:26

Surprise

Reply

kurodansei | 16

#5823119 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:46

Needs Exclamation Points.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5823259 - Friday 10 January 2014 18:02

Needs to stop using the shift key after every word.

Reply

BradTheBrony | 19

#5823886 - Saturday 11 January 2014 5:41

Needs more salt.

Reply

CinnamonBunny | 16

#5824050 - Saturday 11 January 2014 9:11

Needs more cowbell.

By jimmy_vansuelo | 10

#5823107 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:27

Guess you know who the favorite is?

By Queen_bee1234 | 21

#5823109 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:29

You get free cake!!!

By mcrepas | 19

#5823110 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:31

Two parties for the price of one!

By coried91 | 28

#5823111 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:32

Take the cake and hide. At least you'd get something out of the party other than disappointment.

By Nolimit2217 | 32

#5823112 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:33

Wrong kind of surprise!

By perdix | 29

#5823117 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:40

Did you not remember it was your sister's birthday?

It would be funny if your sister's birthday is in May, but people are happy to just come out and celebrate her awesomeness.

Reply

sunshine41196 | 12

#5823129 - Friday 10 January 2014 16:11

what???!?!?

Reply

perdix | 29

#5823250 - Friday 10 January 2014 17:47

#17, wouldn't that be a great surprise if everyone came to a party for you, even it wasn't your birthday?

Reply

mcm_3 | 16

#5823435 - Friday 10 January 2014 21:18

makes sense

Reply

shyeahh_fml | 19

#5823797 - Saturday 11 January 2014 4:46

Haha that happened to my mom once. Her birthday is in December, but all of the family wasn't together until May (my oldest sister lives in France), so we had a surprise birthday party for her in May.
She was quite surprised.

By perdix | 29

#5823118 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:43

What's worse is that the crowd sang a medley of Happy Birthday and Hit the Road, Jack topped off by

Na na na na,
Na na na na,
Hey, hey-ay,
Good-bye!

Reply

kurodansei | 16

#5823121 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:47

That. my friend, would be fantastic.

Reply

yerawizardlizzy | 27

#5823214 - Friday 10 January 2014 17:14

That's "Kiss Him Goodbye" by Steam.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5823235 - Friday 10 January 2014 17:33

#22, thanks, I knew that but don't think many others do. Plus, many people only know the song from near the end of sporting events. :D