Today, my parents used my going away party as a cover up for... - FML

By Anonymous - Sri Lanka

Today, my parents used my going away party as a cover up for my sister's surprise party. I didn't know until they brought out the cake. FML

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No smoking

Some winners…

Craft beer bores

By wasntme - 10/5/2020 08:00

Pay up

Today, I got a bill for $62.70 because my company gave my last work car to some idiot who doesn't like to pay the toll road fees. They never took me off the registration. FML

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By ladylarni - Australia

Today, my ex-husband officially became my stepdad. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was running with two other women when a guy started tailing us in his car and catcalling. I quickly got fed up and gave him the finger. Turns out, he's the husband of one of the women I was running with. For the next half hour, I had to listen to her go on about how adorable he was. She totally saw what I did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, like every other day at work, I had to listen to people talk about being addicted to sex. I have to treat people for addiction to something I've never even had. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was helping my dad move into his new house. It's a 4-bedroom house and he has three kids so it's perfect. I was wandering around and noticed that the first bedroom is his, the second is my older brother's, the third is my younger sister's, and the fourth is an office. I have no room. FML

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By fml - Japan - Koshigaya

Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML

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By ledon - Canada

Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML

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By daycare worker - United States - Houston

Today, I told my 4-year-old daughter that when she grew up she could work at a daycare, like me, to help all of the little kids like her. She started crying because she thought it was a bad job to have. FML

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By msj137 - United States

Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday. My dad had to leave town for work, so he left me a card on my night stand. Instead of a happy birthday, all it said was 'Don't mess up the game for everyone'. FML

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By ShouldIHelpIt - United States - Northampton

Today, I woke up to hear dripping water in the kitchen. Thinking it was someone getting a glass of water or something, I came out to find that it was just a mouse drowning in my dog's water bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, telling him he needed to be more responsible, and stop relying on me for everything. When I told him to leave, he told me he needed some gas money. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was waiting in line while a lady paid for her shopping, when her credit card got declined. She started ranting and insulting everyone and kept insisting: "I'm not poor!" By the time the lady had finally stormed off, I had spittle on my face, and the cashier was almost in tears. FML

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By Roma-Jay - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, while trying to look cute and playing with my hair in front of a boy, I pulled a piece of my hair extension out. FML

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By stepmom - Australia

Today, I explained to my 5 year old daughter that her older sister from my husband's first marriage lives with her mommy, and my daughter lives with us. She exclaimed, "It's not fair! I want two mommies like she has! Can we swap, I like her mommy better than you anyway!" FML

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By Haley. - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have intercourse for the first time. One minute into it, he got nervous and farted. What's worse is that his fart scared him, and he asked "What was that?" FML

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By me - United States

Today, I was sword fighting in a play when I accidentally hit the other person in the head. He called me a bitch and stormed off stage, leaving me alone with an audience of 50. FML

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By beekeke45 - United States

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

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By trgtyo - United States

Today, I noticed my parents replaced my senior picture that hung on our livingroom wall with a painted one. Of our German Sheperd. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up in jail charged with a DWI. I wasn't drinking last night and the only thing I remember is taking my prescription sleep medicine and lying down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I received the photos my friend took of me proposing to my girlfriend. I'd proposed at the place we'd first met: the local zoo. When I looked them over, I noticed there was an elephant taking a poop in the background. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we went to a nice place by a river to have a BBQ. Someone then asked if we could move the fireplace somewhere else, so we went to check another spot. We came back to find a dog had eaten all the meat we'd brought. FML

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By vlcardenx3 - United States

Today, I was at Aéropostale with some friends when I noticed a woman glaring at me. When we got to the checkout, the woman still had her eyes on me, so I asked why she was staring. She snapped, "If you had kept your legs closed, you wouldn't be pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Triumvirate - United States

Today, I learned that making an illegal U-turn right after you see a cop doing one will not stop said cop from ticketing you. FML

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By chels - United States - Youngstown

Today, my boyfriend got done with Marine combat training. The first thing he asked for weren't pictures of me but pictures of his car. Missed you too babe. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

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By Lance - United States

Today, my headphones were broken, so I fixed them with super glue. Without thinking, I stuck them in my ear and listened to some music. When it came time to take them out, I couldn't. FML

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By yikes78 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident I blurted out "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML

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By Natsert99 - United States - Deerfield

Today, I brought my best friend to the strip club as a birthday gift, as he had mentioned that he'd never been to one before. It might have been ruined by the discovery that his daughter had a new job. FML

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By Barking Mad - Australia - Revesby

Today, I got several noise complaints from various neighbours about my "dog that won't stop barking". I don't own a dog, my neighbour owns the noisy dog. She sent me a complaint as well. FML

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By fuckkkkk - United States - San Francisco

Today, after getting my dream job and quitting old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

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By tstaeger - United States

Today, I tried drinking "Smart Water" for the first time. I couldn't figure out how to open the bottle. FML

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By uneek14 - Canada

Today, while reading some chemistry notes I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself, "What the hell is solid water?" Then I heard my little cousin say "ice." I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML

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By stutson - United States

Today, on my airplane ride home, the woman next to me wasn't feeling too well. She pulled out the air sickness bag to throw up into and missed. Her vomit splattered all over the seat in front of her and all over me. We were both covered in puke. And that was only my first of two flights. FML

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By mykhael - United States - Opelousas

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

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By tnt007 - France

Today, I saw what I thought was a gallon jug of water. Trying to do something spontaneous and fun, I took my hardest swing at it to see how far I could kick it. It was frozen solid. I broke my foot. FML

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By depresso - Canada

Today, I found an obituary clipping on my kitchen table. It was for my grandpa. No one told me he died. FML

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By ronnieG - United States - Decatur

Today, my wife and I were having a fight, when she grabbed my car keys and threw them over into the neighbors overgrown junk yard. My car is a restored '59 Belvedere and the keys can't be replaced. I've been looking for hours and I still can't find them. FML

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By Sean - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I was crossing a street, a car hit me and broke two of my ribs. The driver was too busy paying attention to his girlfriend who was giving him a blowjob from the passenger seat. I could see the look of ecstasy on his face as he rammed into me and drove off without noticing. FML

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By notgivingup - United States

Today, I had to serve my boyfriend's father with a restraining order. FML

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Top comments

By foxy_grampa | 19

#5823102 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:25

So I guess your sister wasn't the only one who was surprised

By jimmy_vansuelo | 10

#5823107 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:27

Guess you know who the favorite is?

COMMENTS

By foxy_grampa | 19

#5823102 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:25

So I guess your sister wasn't the only one who was surprised

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5824049 - Saturday 11 January 2014 9:10

Two for one?...

By ZackCraft11 | 15

#5823103 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:26

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

TheCrispyCat | 20

#5823106 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:27

No it doesn't. OP's parents are flat out assholes.

By rob02 | 19

#5823105 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:26

Surprise

Reply

kurodansei | 16

#5823119 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:46

Needs Exclamation Points.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5823259 - Friday 10 January 2014 18:02

Needs to stop using the shift key after every word.

Reply

BradTheBrony | 19

#5823886 - Saturday 11 January 2014 5:41

Needs more salt.

Reply

CinnamonBunny | 16

#5824050 - Saturday 11 January 2014 9:11

Needs more cowbell.

By jimmy_vansuelo | 10

#5823107 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:27

Guess you know who the favorite is?

By Queen_bee1234 | 21

#5823109 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:29

You get free cake!!!

By mcrepas | 19

#5823110 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:31

Two parties for the price of one!

By coried91 | 28

#5823111 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:32

Take the cake and hide. At least you'd get something out of the party other than disappointment.

By Nolimit2217 | 32

#5823112 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:33

Wrong kind of surprise!

By perdix | 29

#5823117 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:40

Did you not remember it was your sister's birthday?

It would be funny if your sister's birthday is in May, but people are happy to just come out and celebrate her awesomeness.

Reply

sunshine41196 | 12

#5823129 - Friday 10 January 2014 16:11

what???!?!?

Reply

perdix | 29

#5823250 - Friday 10 January 2014 17:47

#17, wouldn't that be a great surprise if everyone came to a party for you, even it wasn't your birthday?

Reply

mcm_3 | 16

#5823435 - Friday 10 January 2014 21:18

makes sense

Reply

shyeahh_fml | 19

#5823797 - Saturday 11 January 2014 4:46

Haha that happened to my mom once. Her birthday is in December, but all of the family wasn't together until May (my oldest sister lives in France), so we had a surprise birthday party for her in May.
She was quite surprised.

By perdix | 29

#5823118 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:43

What's worse is that the crowd sang a medley of Happy Birthday and Hit the Road, Jack topped off by

Na na na na,
Na na na na,
Hey, hey-ay,
Good-bye!

Reply

kurodansei | 16

#5823121 - Friday 10 January 2014 15:47

That. my friend, would be fantastic.

Reply

yerawizardlizzy | 27

#5823214 - Friday 10 January 2014 17:14

That's "Kiss Him Goodbye" by Steam.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5823235 - Friday 10 January 2014 17:33

#22, thanks, I knew that but don't think many others do. Plus, many people only know the song from near the end of sporting events. :D