Transportation: Today, my mom told me to follow her car closely to my aunt's... - FML

11/05/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my mom told me to follow her car closely to my aunt's house. I kept really close to her which caused me to get pulled over for tailgating. I explained everything to the cop so he went over to my mom to see if that was the truth. My mom said she didn't know me. I got a ticket. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 367

You deserved it 5 596

Late term

Walk the line

Stop talking!

20/07/2019 00:08

Today, my daughter informed me that she hates everything about her appearance and wants to get every possible plastic surgery when she’s older. She’s 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 767

You deserved it 213

30/06/2016 20:42 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my boss threw me out of her office during a conference call for daring to correct her. The client fired the company because she subsequently got all the information on the call wrong, and plainly had no idea what was going on. From all the screaming, this is now all my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 941

You deserved it 888

15/07/2009 08:09 - United States

Today, I found out I'm balding faster than my dad. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 688

You deserved it 3 171

13/02/2012 13:37 - Canada

Spicy

Today, in the midst of having sex, my boyfriend decided that, as a joke, he would pretend to be a zombie whilst going down on me. Sadly, the thought turned me so much that I came. This was the first orgasm he's ever given me in over a year of dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 073

You deserved it 6 988

29/10/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I had a serious conversation with my dad about my brother and I. It started with, "I love you", and ended with, "You and your brother were mistakes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 062

You deserved it 2 824

09/10/2011 01:20 - Australia

Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 223

You deserved it 27 509

ur mom gay

By Anonymous - 02/05/2018 01:30

Today, I pretended to be asleep when my mom and her best friend came home because I was tired as hell and I didn't want to be around them. I was then treated to a loud conversation about my mom's first time with a woman through our paper-thin walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 217

You deserved it 681

21/08/2011 19:48 - United States

Today, a fight broke out between my 21 year old sister and our 6 year old brother. I tried to intervene, only to end up getting battered to shit in the process. According to my sister, he's going to hell for eating her candy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 490

You deserved it 3 390

11/02/2010 18:35 - United States

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 435

You deserved it 5 560

13/05/2016 22:57

Today, I went to the doctor's office, where my mother happens to work. When my doctor tried to prank her by saying I have chlamydia, my mother laughed and said she didn't believe it, adding, "Have you even seen the way she interacts with boys?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 171

You deserved it 1 347

24/01/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, while babysitting, the little boy explained to me why I was single, reasons such as 'unattractive' and 'not the girlfriend type'. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 370

You deserved it 4 410

24/11/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 909

You deserved it 9 990

19/02/2015 05:45 - United States - Lubbock

Spicy

Today, I was at a family gathering with my boyfriend. Jokingly, my grandmother swatted my butt to get me to move. Out of habit, I moaned quite loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 936

You deserved it 38 102

03/01/2010 07:41 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 132

You deserved it 5 902

12/11/2014 22:50 - France

Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept up on us and yelled, "BOO!" to make me jump. I wasn't scared, but the cat was. He tensed up and jumped to the floor. He also apparently had the runny shits, spraying me and the couch on his way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 666

You deserved it 3 563

No more bukkake for you

By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 23:02

Spicy

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room for severe facial rashes. My boyfriend and I then found out I'm allergic to seminal fluid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 201

You deserved it 166

02/01/2012 06:45 - United States

Today, I found out that, after offering to fill out my student aid application for me, my mother sent all of my personal information to a scam site instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 835

You deserved it 4 407

Criminals

By Jonny - 22/09/2021 20:01

Today, I heard from my little nephews that in school, the father of one of their peers has his arms all covered in tattoos. Their grandpa told my nephews to stay away from people with tattoos, as they were likely criminals and wanting to kidnap children. He doesn't know I have a tattoo in my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 148

11/06/2011 00:14 - United States

Today, I was swimming at the water park, when out of nowhere a lifeguard bombed into the pool, grabbed me, and hauled me to the surface, running his hands over my chest in the process. Apparently, the way I swim makes it look like I'm in my drowning death throes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 163

You deserved it 7 678

30/10/2012 00:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I broke a nail at school. The edge kept getting caught on things, so I thought I could file it down by rubbing it on my jeans. Apparently it looked like I was doing something else, because I was called into the principal's office to discuss why "certain things" should be done in private. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 030

You deserved it 5 491

04/07/2018 15:00

Today, I took a long distance train across country. Early on I had an urgent need to use the bathroom. As I went to flush away the nasty, the preflush water violently projected my diarrhoea onto my pants before clearing the rest down the gurgler. I have 8 hours left on the train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 568

You deserved it 339

06/12/2014 18:23 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. I pointed out that due to a technicality, if he hired someone to replace me, he'd have to pay them more anyway. He said he'd gladly pay more for "someone who knows his god-damn place" and made it clear I'll be jobless very soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 372

You deserved it 9 016

Anyone there?

By Anonymous - 22/03/2021 11:01

Today, I'm still waiting for my current job, which gaslit me in various ways for a year, to acknowledge my month's notice. My new job starts in 3 weeks. I'm genuinely not sure if my (ex) managers and HR are all on furlough, or if they're just fucking with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 63

Who's a good boy?

By Anonymous - 08/05/2020 20:00

Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 293

You deserved it 187

25/08/2009 11:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I spotted my neighbour's cat sitting on their front garden. I bent over and began walking towards it with my hand out saying, "Hello pussycat". I was only a few feet away when I realised I was talking to a white bag of sand. I turned to see my family in hysterics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 775

You deserved it 40 503

Officer McGiggles

By ACAB - 16/09/2019 20:00 - Australia

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. After the cop asked for my license, he started laughing when he saw my picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 418

You deserved it 209

Fortunately, she is gone

By IGotFinessed - 14/11/2019 14:00 - United States - New Fairfield

Today, I just realized that my ex-girlfriend has been using my credit card to buy condoms, beer, and dildos just to piss me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 795

You deserved it 545

16/10/2009 15:08 - Singapore

Today, I was on cloud nine when the beautiful waitress I frequently ordered takeaways from told me she didn't need to take my name as she remembers me from before. When I got my food I saw the sales slip. On it she had written, "Cheeseburger - Fries - Coke - nerdy guy with bad haircut." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 325

You deserved it 5 718

19/06/2011 08:44 - United States

Today, I got officially uninvited to a party. This is the third one this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 314

You deserved it 8 303

07/02/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I found out my mom pretended to be me and had AIM conversations with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 918

You deserved it 3 016

03/02/2009 19:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with a guy that I just met, and when I thought he was about to orgasm, he actually had an asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 103

You deserved it 8 486

Heatwave

By Anonymous - 02/08/2021 06:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, it appears I’m allergic. My stomach inflates like a soccer ball and produces terrible gas, and I really don’t feel so good in general. What am I allergic to? Summertime. Every year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 724

You deserved it 72

04/09/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 083

You deserved it 4 505

11/09/2016 17:10 - United States - La Grange

Spicy

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 149

You deserved it 3 128

28/07/2018 19:00

Today, I rushed to work after a night of drinking and partying, and put my hair up on my way in. People started worriedly asking what happened to my head, so I looked in the mirror. I had scratches and a welt on my forehead from hitting the wall during sex last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 3 090

07/07/2009 17:00 - Netherlands

Today, I came home to found all of my belongings out on the street. My roommate, who is also my brother, apparantly neglected to pay his part of the rent, and we got evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 440

You deserved it 4 026

05/11/2009 07:41 - New Zealand

Today, while going for my daily run, a woman stopped me and said, "I think it's so great that people of your size are comfortable enough to run and show their bodies in public." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 885

You deserved it 5 258

17/12/2013 23:48 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a creepy-looking guy watching me. When I got up from the equipment, I noticed that he sniffed the seat. I didn't say anything the first time. After he did it the second time, I asked him to stop. He bent down and sniffed it without breaking eye contact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 239

You deserved it 3 813

I hate the be the bearer of bad news…

By Anonymous - 05/02/2021 23:01

Today, I texted my sister to ask her if she was OK after finding out that one of her oldest friends had died. She didn’t know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 876

You deserved it 70

08/10/2016 05:24 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my mother threatened my psychiatrist with legal action because he told her the organic and herbal "medicine" she swears by don't actually "cure" mental illness like she claims. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 339

You deserved it 683

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Top comments

NaturallyUnlucky 0

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:52

So wait... the cop pulled YOU over, and your mom pulled over as well and sat there waiting for the cop to finish talking to you even though SHE wasn't in trouble, and then claimed to not know you even though he presumably explained the situation to her? Doesn't make much sense to me...

crf09 0

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:45

that is awful!!! I can't believe your mother would do that to you, that is one of the bitchiest moves ever. I def think she should pay your ticket or talk to the police and get it completely gone. That is bull sh**.

Comments

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:38

She is a woman! Why didn't the Taliban hit her for being disrespectful to a man!

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:39

Happy Mother's Day?

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Tuesday 23 March 2010 17:11

your an idiot. even if you are trying to follow someone, you dont have to follow that close to them. YDI.

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Monday 12 April 2010 16:23

I would never talk to her again

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Sunday 11 May 2014 4:59

it's not important but im reading this on the eve of mother's day in 2014 o.O The was the first random FML of the day

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:43

ummm its a hard choice between 1 and 2 ... but lets go with 2

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Friday 24 December 2010 13:35

2's head is to big

crf09 0

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:45

that is awful!!! I can't believe your mother would do that to you, that is one of the bitchiest moves ever. I def think she should pay your ticket or talk to the police and get it completely gone. That is bull sh**.

hottiewitdamesse 8

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Tuesday 26 June 2012 18:02

It was just a joke! Calm your uniboob.

dragonrider1959 18

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Thursday 26 June 2014 1:20

That is not a joke! She knew it was serious thing and pretty much abandoned her! That is messed up.

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:50

Why would you have to stay so close anyway?

NaturallyUnlucky 0

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:52

So wait... the cop pulled YOU over, and your mom pulled over as well and sat there waiting for the cop to finish talking to you even though SHE wasn't in trouble, and then claimed to not know you even though he presumably explained the situation to her? Doesn't make much sense to me...

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Sunday 14 March 2010 19:43

she yo mom yo dnt gave da same last name

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Monday 8 August 2011 7:25

-.-

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:54

Why would she do that?!?! That's sooo horrible, I'm sorry your mom's a bitch x( And #1 (Afghanee666) - Pleeeease shut up with all your comments about the Taliban. Thanks. I've seen your comments in a few other FML's, all overly vulgar and/or about the Taliban. wtf?!

college_cutie 0

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:58

:( thats a hardcore bummer you should make your mom pay for the ticket

The_Great_Zucchi 14

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Monday 11 May 2009 10:00

Why would they ask your mom? Whether you know the person or not doesn't make any difference, it's just as dangerous.

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Monday 11 May 2009 10:08

#6 - If you get in an accident, you pull over to the side and call to have it reported. The cop then talks to both parties and documents what they say. It helps with who was at fault so the insurance companies can act accordingly. What I don't get is why your mom reported the accident. It'll just raise both of your insurance rates and you'll still have to pay.

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Wednesday 14 September 2011 14:04

Learn to read... She was pulled over for tailgating, there was no accident

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 117

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 149

You deserved it 46

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 159

You deserved it 503