Love: Today, my mom asked if I was seeing anyone. I launched into a... - FML

By lovingpsychosis - United Kingdom

Today, my mom asked if I was seeing anyone. I launched into a description of my girlfriend, only for her to interrupt, saying that she meant a therapist, and the fact that I'd just made up a relationship was further proof that I needed one. I really do have a girlfriend. FML

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Season finale

A saint

Let's go girls!

By Grounded - United States

Today, my parents told me that they've been having a contest to see who could punish me the most this week. So far, my mom is in the lead by kicking me out of the car near railroad tracks, and making me walk the 4 miles home in the freezing rain. FML

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By Sunshine56 - United States - Greenbrier

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

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By jillie minaj - United States

Today, I'm accused of vandalizing a cop car during a night of partying, and in so doing, violating my parole. While talking with my lawyer, who I spent all my savings on, I said he could hire better than his hideous secretary. Turns out she's his wife. I think I'm now more screwed than ever. FML

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By NotSoYoung - Canada

Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I crashed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Goldendale

Today, I walked into my room, only to find my 15-year-old brother violating my old teddy bear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was turned down for a job as a cashier at Best Buy. I worked like hell to get into and then graduate from one of the top Telecommunication schools in the country. I spent all my time with extracurriculars to help my resume instead of partying like my friends. I can't even be a cashier. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from the girl I like. I got very excited so I quickly picked up. As it turns out, she was actually prank calling me, pretending to be a "liposuction telemarketer" but forgot to press *67. FML

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By Jill Shanks - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom's boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn't stop. FML

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By littlepeepboo

You want a piece of me?

Today my boyfriend tried to be sexy and rip off my underwear. Instead, he bit a chunk out of my hip. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bury

Today, I was reassuring my girlfriend that I wasn't cheating on her because I was sneaking around. I'm actually just planning a surprise birthday party for her. During the reassuring, I accidentally called her another girl's name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I still have the bronchitis and the stomach flu that I suffered through all weekend. Today was to be the day I had my bachelorette party and wedding shower. I had to call both of them off. FML

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By FromNL - Netherlands

Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

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By shellie - Reserved

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

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By Jake - United States - Albany

Today, I woke up, thinking it was going to be a good day. However, when I looked at my phone, I saw that my girlfriend had sent me an obscene number of angry messages, which are still coming in, because I forgot to say goodnight to her last night. FML

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By Surewhatever

Not on a plane

Today, when I warned my guests to check the toilet for snakes, I meant it. FML

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By wdavi022

Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML

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By Completely Fed Up - United States - Spokane

Today, after 2 weeks of hard work in the heat planting a garden, just as I thought the most stressful part was over, my wife's mother comes over and brings a huge dog. She then threw a tennis ball for the dog into my freshly seeded garden multiple times, completely destroying most of it. FML

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By PapaW - United States - Lehi

Today, I got a new cell phone number and sent a text to my wife. Playing around, I said, "Hey sexy are you alone yet? I'm ready to come over." She responded with, "Hey, yeah he is at work - did you get a new number?" FML

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By Rachael - Australia

Today, I was woken up by my elderly neighbor banging on my door at 2am. She needed "urgent" assistance as she had forgotten how to turn her TV off. I'd just fallen asleep. FML

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By Jason - United States

Today, I spent forty minutes trying to break into my own house after being locked out. After finally getting in through a small unlocked window, I discovered my keys in my pants pocket. FML

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By tas2013kid - 1/12/2020 17:03 - Taiwan

Slicey slicey

Today, I found out I had three strands of pubic hair beside my nipple, so I decided to cut it off with a scissor since I'm going swimming tomorrow. In an attempt to cut off my third strand, I instead excised the cap of my left nipple. FML

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By screwedupkid

Today, I sarcastically pointed out a book to my mom, titled "Living Successfully With Screwed Up People." She already has it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend prays before and after sex, because he thinks he'll keep his abstinence by doing so. FML

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By tannerpaul

Today, I went to the hospital as my girlfriends emergency contact. When I saw her, she was under a blanket because she had no pants. She had a seizure in a guy's bed and he brought her here. He's here and she wants us both to stay. FML

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By Cicie - United States - Weatherford

Most good songs are

Today, I discovered that one of my favourite, relatable sad songs is actually a song about gay sex. FML

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By awwman - United States

Today, my dad found out that there is a free, 24 hour, 7 days a week religious channel. Now that's all he watches. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 02:03

Bambi 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I came downstairs to find that our dog's six puppies, who have their own puppy-door to go outside whenever they want, had peed and pooped all over the floor, walked through the pee, and were now happily chewing on a half-rotten deer's head which they had dragged inside. FML

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By Oops - Australia - Belmore

Today, my very quiet and sexually innocent boyfriend said, "I want to be inside you." I was so startled that all I could reply was, "Oh, thanks." FML

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By AvengdSevenfold - United States

Today, I was playing Ultimate Frisbee and trying to make new friends since I'm new at my college. I was running after an overthrown frisbee for a touchdown. Everyone cheered me on to keep going. I ran full speed into a fence. FML

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By Me - France

Today, I was rejected for a job I really wanted, they said I didn't have enough experience. I designed the systems they are implementing. FML

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By artsmart1 - United States

Today, I went to go see a specialist for my prostate and was told he would have to do an exam before I could leave. Having had this checked just the previous year, I was more than a little irritated. As I was bent over the table the Dr. said, "Now, just pretend I'm Angelina Jolie." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that my husband is a tad paranoid after finding out that our cat has worms. He and I were in the middle of sharing a romantic shower following something of a dry spell when he bent over, spread his cheeks apart and asked, in earnest, "is there a worm sticking out of my ass?" FML

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By NeedTea - United States

Today i stopped at Starbucks to get a tea before work and was surprised that there wasn't a line. As i was leaving the automatic door closed knocking my out of my hand. I headed back in only to discover a huge line had formed and they made me pay for the replacement that their door spilled. FML

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By why god - United States - Huntington Park

Today, my parents kicked me out of the house because they were having a party. They gave me twenty bucks to go see a movie. Well, the movie ended pretty quick, but the trauma of seeing my parents in a swingers' orgy will take some time getting over. FML

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By smellynelly - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out the reason my co-workers have been giving me gum every day is not because of their generosity, but because everyone in the office thinks my breath smells. FML

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By verycherryfucked - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to go to the hospital for an allergic reaction. Turns out, I'm highly allergic to cherry blossoms. My wife and I just bought a house and moved into a new neighborhood. Almost every block in this neighborhood, including my own, has rows and rows of cherry blossom trees. FML

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By Loser

Today, at school, I offered my friend $5 to climb up a tree and jumped off. I was already having a hard day and just wanted a bit of a laugh. What I didn't expect was to end up in the hospital with a broken arm because my friend jumped on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my mom that I was taking antidepressants because I hate myself. She said "That's not surprising. You hate everybody. And, you're kind of a bitch." FML

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Top comments

By thatnucca | 36

#2567808 - Thursday 26 May 2011 15:56

You do! If she's a therapist, then it's a win-win situation for both parties...

By Alex94xela | 0

#2567842 - Thursday 26 May 2011 16:01

show her a vid of u 2 getting it on

COMMENTS

By thatnucca | 36

#2567808 - Thursday 26 May 2011 15:56

You do! If she's a therapist, then it's a win-win situation for both parties...

Reply

sexysterlingarch | 1

#2568053 - Thursday 26 May 2011 16:35

haha that's awesome

Reply

Mitcha857 | 0

#2568140 - Thursday 26 May 2011 16:51

damn sterling you get hated on for no reason!

ok OP do you have a picture to prove you mother wrong? and if you do tell her she needs to be the one seeing a therapist

Reply

sexysterlingarch | 1

#2568262 - Thursday 26 May 2011 17:19

22 yea I kno my comments always get thumbs down but I don't really care because I'm just saying what I want..

Reply

TurnpikeTwister | 0

#2568594 - Thursday 26 May 2011 18:40

Just take them out to dinner so they can actually meet; if your mother is crazy / a bitch it's definitely better to use a neutral locale, otherwise I'd say have her over...

Reply

nivekcizia123 | 0

#2571976 - Friday 27 May 2011 5:15

Lol i dont get it? ;)

Reply

bagginzy | 14

#2572307 - Friday 27 May 2011 6:39

At least it wasn't, "she was right; I don't have a girlfriend"

By CasualZombie | 6

#2567812 - Thursday 26 May 2011 15:57

sure, you keep telling yourself that.

Reply

ILoveTabz | 0

#2569009 - Thursday 26 May 2011 20:18

I have been reminded of spongebob

Reply

aurynforever | 11

#2571398 - Friday 27 May 2011 3:17

what's a spongebob?

Reply

landonlasater | 3

#2572153 - Friday 27 May 2011 5:59

46- now you're going to say what's a childhood

By TheDrummingResul | 0

#2567827 - Thursday 26 May 2011 15:59

what a bitch.

By TheDrummingResul | 0

#2567830 - Thursday 26 May 2011 15:59

what a bitch.

Reply

Leatherandlace | 0

#2568643 - Thursday 26 May 2011 18:54

Redundant

By Alex94xela | 0

#2567842 - Thursday 26 May 2011 16:01

show her a vid of u 2 getting it on

Reply

HyVriD | 5

#2567939 - Thursday 26 May 2011 16:15

You're a wise man son

Reply

MrSexyPants | 14

#2567959 - Thursday 26 May 2011 16:17

How would she know the lady isn't a hooker?

By ColorfulDonut | 7

#2567857 - Thursday 26 May 2011 16:02

I'm sure you do. know let's go see that therapist, ok?

Reply

starwind3438 | 9

#2568100 - Thursday 26 May 2011 16:44

Now let's go take you to an English teacher.

Reply

Captainipples | 0

#2569672 - Thursday 26 May 2011 23:25

Ha.

Reply

YacL | 15

#2573784 - Friday 27 May 2011 15:36

Ha.

Reply

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2574188 - Friday 27 May 2011 18:25

Ha.

Reply

joblessalex | 0

#2577755 - Saturday 28 May 2011 6:40

lame. combo breaker!

Reply

DelilahV | 0

#3126515 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 16:21

I'm gonna just go ahead and say "Ha."

Ha! Attack is super effective!

By ImInABox | 6

#2567882 - Thursday 26 May 2011 16:06

Huzzah!

By hockeyrocks39 | 0

#2567911 - Thursday 26 May 2011 16:10

Sounds like you might need a therapist because of your dysfunctional mother.

By YayorNay | 8

#2567923 - Thursday 26 May 2011 16:13

Bring home your girlfriend's panties for proof.

By khaya | 9

#2567979 - Thursday 26 May 2011 16:21

I have one to, "Stop struggling, Diane. Shoot, late for my therapist appointment. Now don't struggle too much or the handcuffs will cut you wrists."