By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 08:02 - United States - Staten Island

Date grape

Today, my boyfriend and I were drinking wine naked after sex. He went to get another glass, but on the way back tripped and fell flat on his face. His roommate unexpectedly came home, saw him face-down on the floor, thought I'd drugged him and tackled me before I could explain. FML

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Instadrama

Who's a good boy?

Headache

By Anonymous - 1/3/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, my younger sister said that she was going to pray for her brother's HIV. I have Primary Immune Disease (PID) not HIV. School will be very interesting tomorrow. FML

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By yes i meant ex-boyfriend - 18/1/2014 21:09 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my boyfriend took a day off from work because he felt "sick". I thought he might come see me since he hadn't come over in a while. Nope, he went to hang out with his ex instead. FML

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By "Sam Fazackerley" - 27/11/2019 20:00

What a shame!

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet while sitting on it using the phone, I have a stomach bug and diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2015 06:15 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I overheard my in-laws talking about me. It started off with light insults and ended with "People like her are the reason murder ain't always wrong". FML

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By anonymouss - 21/9/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I bought the girl I like a bouquet of roses saying "anonymous" on it, and left it on her front porch. She saw it, and called the guy she thought it was from. He said "you're welcome" and now they're going out. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 08:36 - United States

Today, a homeless man bathed himself in the restroom at my coffee shop in West LA. He locked himself in there for a good twenty minutes. The lingering smell was so strong that my other coworker vomited. Thanks to what is apparently a relatively strong gag reflex, I got to clean up. FML

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By SendHelpAndBleach - 15/6/2018 05:00

Today, I decided to surprise my parents who I haven’t seen in a while. They weren’t home, but I still have a key so I let myself in. When I went to my old room to put down my bags, I was greeted by a sex swing. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 09:27 - Australia

Today, at work, I got chilli powder in my eye. Now not only do I have a swollen, blistered eye, but I am covered in milk as my boss assured me that would help. FML

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By whatjusthappened - 20/12/2013 08:45 - United States - Federal Way

Today, a man started a deep conversation with me at the bus stop about life, death, and the miracles of things we take for granted every day. I was really enjoying it until he looked at his watch and said, "Oh shit, mushrooms make me lose track of time!" and ran off into the night. FML

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By too cool - 1/7/2014 03:59 - United States - Carpentersville

Today, at my grandparent's funeral, we were waiting for the pastor. He was fashionably late because he couldn't find his sunglasses and had gone to buy new ones. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 21:45 - United States - Loveland

Today, during my family's traditional 4th of July weekend celebration, my water broke. I kept trying to tell them and asked them to take me to the hospital, but they couldn't hear me over the fireworks. They all just kept smiling and nodding. FML

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By Marc - 6/2/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, while I was standing in line at the store, some guy insulted the girl in front of me as he walked past. She turned around and socked me in the face. FML

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By amidreaming?? - 11/6/2012 21:45 - United Kingdom - Bushey

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she never lets me in her house. She stared blankly and said, "What is inside is not for thine eyes." I told her best friend about this creepiness later on. She sighed and said, "T'was not for mine eyes either. I didst fail to listen." I feel like I'm losing my mind here. FML

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By cmoney6452 - 1/3/2012 16:17 - United States

Today, I'm so sick that I'm drinking fluids just to make it hurt less when I puke. FML

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By Tey - 22/12/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, on my first day of work, I got fired after 45 minutes. FML

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By just about pissed off - 11/8/2013 17:24 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, to help with my insomnia, I downloaded some relaxing rain MP3s and set them to loop. For the first time in ages, I fell asleep within minutes. Somewhere around 5, however, the sound of trickling water caused my bladder to empty itself all over my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2018 15:30

Today, I bought a new vacuum cleaner after having to go several months without one. Immediately, I wanted to try it out. I must have underestimated how powerful it was, as it sucked up my socks and then broke. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2014 21:38 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML

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By blaahh - 19/2/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML

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By ReluctantAntEater - 21/8/2014 21:48 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I tasted a perfectly salted, crispy, and dead carpenter ant hidden in my bag of pistachios. FML

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By Jorgina226 - 11/8/2010 16:33 - United States

Today, I found my old sewing machine I got when I was a kid. I never used it before, because when I was younger, I was afraid I might sew my fingers. Laughing at myself, I decided to sew up an old bag. I sewed my thumb. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 06:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were snuggling and telling eachother nice things. The nicest thing he could think of to say to me was "Well, I see you shaved your mustache." FML

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By anonymous - 24/10/2014 01:25 - United States - West Babylon

Today, my best friend and I, after years of sexual tension, began to have sex for the first time. Things got heated and he decided to abruptly stand up with me around him. I got so nervous, spazzed out, and now have 37 staples in my head courtesy of his bookshelf. FML

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By neryc - 4/7/2014 19:41 - United States - Hummelstown

Today, my little sister started freaking out, because she was playing with some white-out eraser and got some on her finger. She started crying inconsolably because she thought her entire finger was going to disappear. FML

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By mitchellcrawford - 31/5/2016 18:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after seeing a cute girl on the bus, I tried to look cool by flipping my hair, only to smack the side of my head into the bus window. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend in his bedroom. It was getting pretty intense, so he got up to close the door. While he was facing the other way, I took off my bra and sling-shot it so that it would hit him. Right when I let go of it, his mom walked in and it hit her in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 02:00 - United States - Bisbee

Today, I grabbed a box of my favorite granola bars, the only flavor the brand makes without nuts, which I'm severely allergic to. A visit to the ER after my throat closed up told me that I'd missed the notice on the shelf, warning that they're now making them with peanuts. FML

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By - 19/12/2019 18:00

I am sexy

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML

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By fire0fisis - 3/2/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, the police called because someone had turned in my wallet that was stolen. I happily drove home only to find that my house had been robbed and ransacked. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 16:30 - Reserved

Today, I had to escort some dumbass teenager from Home Depot after I found him masturbating in one of the model washrooms. FML

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By ohno - 1/12/2011 14:38 - United States

Today, due to "severe cuts to the budget" at work, I had to stir my coffee with a paper clip. FML

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By billiams15 - 6/5/2012 21:57 - United States - Katy

Today, I got my colonoscopy results back. I had hoped they'd show what's been causing my stomach pains for the last few weeks, but instead it turns out that my colon is healthy and normal. I basically got cornholed for no goddamn reason. FML

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By Alwayshappens2me - 17/7/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, I learned that even when you put a sock on the door because you are having sex with your boyfriend, doesn't mean your mom won't walk in your brand new apartment for a "surprise visit." FML

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By frustrated girlfriend - 29/12/2016 03:30 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my boyfriend and I spent all day preparing an amazing meal for my extended family, and then 3 hours before dinner his crazy mother forced him home because she felt "excluded". He's spent the past 3 days with her. There's no way for me to keep him and get rid of her. FML

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By LoveSick - 6/2/2019 04:00

Today, I'm getting married. I woke up with no voice to say my I dos with. FML

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By InDebt - 4/2/2016 04:47 - United States - Morgantown

Today, Southwest officially called off the search for my lost baggage and asked me to file a claim for reimbursement. My bag had $2000 worth of dental instruments, which I won't get any compensation for since the airline doesn't take any liability for valuable items. FML

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By Ally - 24/3/2018 05:00

shrinks into corner

Today, my dad decided to be an awesome person and fold my laundry without telling me. Later, I heard my parents having a conversation about a pair of panties that were "like dental floss" and which sister they belonged to. FML

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By badboyfriend101 - 12/5/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was continuously telling me how great my best friend smelled the other night and how I should wear some perfume that smelled like that. I have the same exact perfume and have been wearing it for months. FML

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By IceQueen - 1/2/2014 00:40 - United States - Clinton

Today, I've been without hot water for three days thanks to a frozen water line. I finally managed to thaw the frozen area, only to have the chunk of ice dislodge, slam into a bend in the pipe, and burst the line. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7839861 - Thursday 5 September 2019 16:20

He tackled you when you were naked?

He was going for sloppy seconds.

By LostSoul | 19

#7839979 - Friday 6 September 2019 3:32

rofl. I needed the laugh. also, very sorry.

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7839861 - Thursday 5 September 2019 16:20

He tackled you when you were naked?

He was going for sloppy seconds.

By LostSoul | 19

#7839979 - Friday 6 September 2019 3:32

rofl. I needed the laugh. also, very sorry.

By Sonotsuave | 33

#7839989 - Friday 6 September 2019 4:35

Um what. Get dressed and explain, or better yet have him do it when he becomes conscious

By zoelog | 10

#7840150 - Friday 6 September 2019 16:05

it seems odd that he would immediately come to that conclusion.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7840267 - Saturday 7 September 2019 2:19

*insert Ron Burgundy 'That escalated quickly' meme here*

By tounces7 | 26

#7841288 - Sunday 8 September 2019 1:21

Just how long did your boyfriend stay there laying on the floor?