By Anonymous - United States - Staten Island

Date grape

Today, my boyfriend and I were drinking wine naked after sex. He went to get another glass, but on the way back tripped and fell flat on his face. His roommate unexpectedly came home, saw him face-down on the floor, thought I'd drugged him and tackled me before I could explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1857

You deserved it

208

Tweet

Share

BO Central

Keep your enemies closer

How could you forget?

By exnotwelcome19 - United States

Today, my mom told my abusive ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with 5 days ago, that he is always welcome at my house. She "misses him". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52233

You deserved it

3706

Tweet

Share

By yayibs - United States - Williamstown

Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20354

You deserved it

4459

Tweet

Share

By Alyce - 6/11/2020 02:08 - United States - Lewistown

Bunch of bankers, the lot of them

Today, I went to deposit a check, only for them to accidentally deduct the whole thing from my account. I didn't notice this until I went to buy groceries, after the bank had closed. I'm in negative numbers and will get an overdraft charge by the time I can get it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

918

You deserved it

65

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 17:00

Assumptions

Today, I found out that most of the people I work with secretly refer to me as the "designated bottom" because they assumed from my slight stature and soft spoken personality that I was a submissive homosexual. My wife thinks it’s hilarious and keeps grabbing my ass to make me jump in shock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1840

You deserved it

226

Tweet

Share

By bglenney - United States

Today, for the first time in my life, I simultaneously sneezed, peed and farted. I was giving a presentation at work when this happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56815

You deserved it

4160

Tweet

Share

By Belle - United States - Berwyn

Today, all of the long hours I've spent rehearsing paid off because tonight I'll be the lead at the opening show of my school musical. This is a dream come true. Too bad I just got bronchitis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20057

You deserved it

1357

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to log in to my computer on a projector in front of business associates at my dad's architecture firm. I typed in my username and apparently didn't hit the tab key hard enough, so I typed my password in the username box. The entire firm now knows my password is "tits123". FML

I agree, your life sucks

17915

You deserved it

76929

Tweet

Share

By Kronic - United States

Today, I went shopping with my two sons and my wife. We got separated after a while, and I spotted my son in the video game section of the store. I snuck up behind him and playfully slapped him on the back of the head. The kid turned around and it wasn't my son. His mom was none to happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14275

You deserved it

48481

Tweet

Share

By sleepingbeauty - United States - Jackson

Today, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I sent him a long message pouring my heart out about how hurt I am that he constantly ignores me or responds to almost everything I say in monosyllables. He texted back "ok". FML

I agree, your life sucks

20131

You deserved it

3737

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, for the first time in years, I worked up the nerve to ask a work friend if they wanted to hang out sometime. They winced, and said they were busy that day. I hadn't specified a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5036

You deserved it

376

Tweet

Share

By Dirtisgood

Today, my in-laws told me, in all seriousness, that my child was going to become paralyzed because I let him play on grass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2963

You deserved it

152

Tweet

Share

By "Kilamo" - United States

Best words

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1868

You deserved it

373

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Saddle Brook

Today, while on my morning jog, I turned a corner, and out of nowhere, the business end of a bicycle hit me straight in the nuts. As I collapsed, gasping in agony, the guy who just killed a hundred million of my potential children got back on his bike and cycled away without a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27367

You deserved it

2294

Tweet

Share

By CheeseMonsters - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my friend a drink while she sat in the lounge watching TV with my dog. When I came back, I found her licking my dogs ears. She said he dared her to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31356

You deserved it

3415

Tweet

Share

By ceetee - Australia

Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42422

You deserved it

3421

Tweet

Share

By Mr.Incognito-san - 19/11/2020 02:02

Are you ready to ruuuuuumbbbbbble?

Today, I heard my sisters fighting downstairs, so I went down to see what all the commotion was about. As I entered the room, one of them picked me up and threw me at the other one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

895

You deserved it

1155

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Broxburn

Today, my mum decided that having the flu and being too lazy to go upstairs to the bathroom is a valid excuse to shit in a jug instead. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks

44911

You deserved it

3585

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Sackville

Today, I was sitting in the coffee shop where my boyfriend and I used to go before he broke up with me about a week ago. I was missing him and wishing he was there, when all of a sudden this 14-year-old kid comes up to me and says, "He's not coming, you may as well go home." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48547

You deserved it

6841

Tweet

Share

By the_captain - United States

Today, I was cashiering at Target when an old woman came into my checkout line. Her items? Variety pack of pleasuring condoms, a bottle of KY sensual lube, and two colorful thongs. As I'm scanning these, she leans in and whispers, "I love toys." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55584

You deserved it

3479

Tweet

Share

By Mick - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

860363

You deserved it

94275

Tweet

Share

By ihatedogs - United States

Today, my brother came down to my house, bringing his untrained puppies with him. As we were eating dinner, I dropped part of my sandwich in a liquid that was on the tablecloth. Thinking it was water, I ate it. As I chewed, I realized the liquid wasn't water. My sandwich was dipped in dog urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42799

You deserved it

19860

Tweet

Share

By LoveMeMother

Today, I realized my mom tells our dogs she loves them more than she says it to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2509

You deserved it

316

Tweet

Share

By riiiight - United States - Warren

Today, I went on a blind date. The first thing the guy did was ask if I knew what it felt like to have spiders crawl out of my vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55281

You deserved it

5835

Tweet

Share

By Sarah1330 - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I heard what sounded like someone breaking into my house. I ran downstairs, only to find my cat had ripped down my blinds and was tangled up in them, thrashing around the floor like a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31291

You deserved it

3323

Tweet

Share

By Isoneedtomove - United States

Today, I received an email from a shipping company telling me they had dropped off a package of expensive electronics at the front door. Too bad someone stole it before I made it to the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2727

You deserved it

160

Tweet

Share

By Jason - United States

Today, I was finally able to hang out with a girl I really liked at a party. We had a great time and spent hours together. When I leaned in for a kiss at the end of the night, she stopped me and said that "you're a great guy, but we can't go out because you'll be bad for my social reputation." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40957

You deserved it

3810

Tweet

Share

By SummerGirl0009 - United States

Today, I discovered that the medicated eye drops I have been taking to fight a mild eye infection show up under black lights when I walked into a party and the whole left side of my face was glowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35046

You deserved it

3773

Tweet

Share

By Geese Ahoy - United States - Elizabeth

Today, I was reading on a park bench not far from a grassy spot and a pond. A flock of geese landed on the grassy patch and began to eat some grass. I thought that I may be bothering the geese, but decided if I left them alone, they'd leave me alone as well. I was wrong. Geese are assholes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10129

You deserved it

1058

Tweet

Share

By Mels - United States - Boston

Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49894

You deserved it

15671

Tweet

Share

By mynameisarmpit

Today, I went out to eat with my girlfriend. The waiter came up and was being nice. He said, "What can I get you two gentlemen?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35631

You deserved it

4659

Tweet

Share

By lovesucks - Australia

Today, I finally got the courage to go up and ask out the girl I have loved for a couple of months now. After she said yes, I was over the moon and ran home to tell my roommate. The next day, I saw her making out with another man. When I confronted her, she said "Oh, you were serious yesterday?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

50981

You deserved it

4229

Tweet

Share

By Shelby - United States - Nokomis

Today, I got into a huge fight with a girl at school. My mom and dad decided to punish me by letting my three older brothers pick out my wardrobe for the next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27841

You deserved it

17246

Tweet

Share

By ShittyKeys - United States

Today, I dropped my keys in the toilet. While in the kitchen looking for something to fish them out with, I heard a door slam. My sister had to use the bathroom and didn’t see my keys in the toilet before sitting down. Lucky me, I caught her just as she was about to flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30348

You deserved it

5481

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8649

You deserved it

62406

Tweet

Share

By Ray - 31/12/2020 16:58

Anticlimactic

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm the best lay of his life. I really wish I could say the same about him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

781

You deserved it

269

Tweet

Share

By 3722145 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27358

You deserved it

6824

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 02:00

Honest day's work

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after finding out that I opened an Onlyfans account. FML

I agree, your life sucks

376

You deserved it

3092

Tweet

Share

By Bes - Canada

Today, at school, I was trying to pee in the stall, but I couldn't. I repeatedly pushed my bladder. Unfortunately, I didn't realize a number of thing. My stall was open, I made noises from frustration, and I looked like I was jacking off. When I gave up, somebody clapped and yelled, "FINALLY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

17950

You deserved it

51200

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States - Spokane

Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41940

You deserved it

4065

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my neighbors. Their 5 year-old had finally fallen asleep at 11 after two hours of stories and songs. No sooner had I tip toed out of the room did I realize that my cell phone had dropped out of my pocket onto the bed. It was ringing. It was their mother checking in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47076

You deserved it

7685

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7839861 - Thursday 5 September 2019 16:20

He tackled you when you were naked?

He was going for sloppy seconds.

By LostSoul | 19

#7839979 - Friday 6 September 2019 3:32

rofl. I needed the laugh. also, very sorry.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7839861 - Thursday 5 September 2019 16:20

He tackled you when you were naked?

He was going for sloppy seconds.

By LostSoul | 19

#7839979 - Friday 6 September 2019 3:32

rofl. I needed the laugh. also, very sorry.

By Sonotsuave | 33

#7839989 - Friday 6 September 2019 4:35

Um what. Get dressed and explain, or better yet have him do it when he becomes conscious

By zoelog | 10

#7840150 - Friday 6 September 2019 16:05

it seems odd that he would immediately come to that conclusion.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7840267 - Saturday 7 September 2019 2:19

*insert Ron Burgundy 'That escalated quickly' meme here*

By tounces7 | 27

#7841288 - Sunday 8 September 2019 1:21

Just how long did your boyfriend stay there laying on the floor?

By peithecelt | 28

#7974463 - Friday 26 February 2021 1:40

in addition to the other questions, why the f* was his roommates assumption that you had drugged him. that seems a really extreme place to go.