Today, my grandmother refused to wear clothes. FML

34279

2700

Today, I bit into a piece of homegrown lettuce from my garden. Apparently, I'm not the only one to enjoy my produce, because I took a bite out of a small caterpillar. FML

Miscellaneous

Does it taste good?

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Ghosted

By Malina - 4/1/2015 01:42 - Australia - Sydney

31785

10260

Today, I decided to impress my friends by doing a flip on the trampoline. What did impress them, was my lack of tears after I hit the edge of the trampoline and broke my nose. FML

By no more flips - 17/5/2015 14:05 - United States - Columbus

26686

6983

Today, a water snake slithered into our pool. He can have it. FML

By RAS266 - 26/6/2017 00:00

4425

492

Today, my friend called saying she was gathering all her girlfriends for a girl's night out. I was thrilled with the idea and started to think of something to wear. She then asked if I would mind watching her son. FML

By Finesse7791 - 20/9/2009 12:28 - United States

44769

2898

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

By Anonymous - 19/10/2016 10:54 - Australia - Brisbane

10321

2456

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

By chelserusera - 14/5/2009 01:45 - United States

64230

7567

Today, my sick semi-delusional boyfriend, whom I've been taking care of for days, accused me of trying to poison him so that I could play World of Warcraft. FML

By Septy - 21/1/2016 18:17 - Spain - M?laga

20691

1844

Today, I babysat a 6-year-old boy for the first time. When I said it was his bedtime, he just screamed "Eat a dick!" at me. I was so shocked, all I could do was leave him be. When his parents returned, I had to make up an excuse for why he was still awake and watching TV, to save my pride. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2014 18:12 - United Kingdom - Ilminster

38198

9952

Today, I was disassembling a tent after a week of camping when I felt a crunch under my bare foot. I lifted up the tarp I was standing on to find a now squashed mouse. Mice are my favorite animals, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go camping again. FML

By Danielle - 2/8/2020 08:08

Crushed

1126

423

Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML

By babygirllxo - 13/7/2010 18:28 - Canada

36417

7129

Today, I found out that the guy I've been crushing on for months is actually 15 years old. I'm 22. Not only is it gross, but it's also illegal. FML

By abnormallyadam - 9/2/2016 13:08 - Australia - Footscray

22824

4762

Today, when petting my friend's dog, I acted like I was going to make out with him. While I wasn't looking the dog stuck his entire tongue in my mouth. FML

By thedogkisser - 6/6/2009 19:44 - United States

12068

83952

Today, I started a sport journalism degree. I was the only female out of 60 students. The lecturer started talking about how we should all aspire to become sports editors of national newspapers. Later, he said women have no chance of ever becoming sports editors. FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2012 15:46

29518

3091

Today, I had to take the train from my hometown to my university for a very important meeting concerning my foreign exchange program. When I finally arrived, I noticed a Post-it on the door: "Meeting cancelled, sick". I basically made a 9-hour day-trip for a half-an-hour walk. FML

By Anonymous - 31/3/2014 11:49 - Netherlands - Vlissingen

39934

3663

Today, I was woken up and kicked out of my friend's party at 3:00 in the morning. This wouldn't have been so bad if someone hadn't stolen my shoes. I had to walk for an hour in the rain, in my socks. FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 23:07 - Canada - Stoney Creek

1502

364

Today, I was told by my teacher that she had 'given up' teaching me because someone had told her I have a mental illness, and that I don't understand what she says. FML

By Anonymous - 8/9/2014 10:55 - Australia - Perth

42386

3829

Today, I was babysitting my 5 month old nephew who hasn't pooped in 2 days according to his mom. Well, he pooped. I accidentally stuck my finger in it. While I was wiping my finger off, he rolls over and pees on my new carpet. I roll him over to clean the pee and he opened fire and pooped again. FML

By chuchie - 12/6/2009 02:39 - United States

56403

6625

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been in love with for the past two years. Five minutes in, he passed out on top of me from a pain pill overdose and had a mini seizure. He finally woke up and groans, "Those bastards! They confiscated my clothes!" FML

By Lucy - 21/7/2012 07:40 - United States - La Mesa

31401

5379

Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML

By rita - 15/4/2018 19:00

3704

680

Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date with someone he said was very hot. I'm not exactly what you call fit, so I haven't been dating lately. As soon as I got to the restaurant, I spotted the girl. She looked me up and down, said, "You have GOT to be kidding me" and left. FML

By tomtomcutiepoof - 13/3/2009 00:38 - United States

70649

7555

Today, my husband told me "The only reason I stay with you is because it's cheaper than paying child support." FML

By Tree - 30/7/2010 11:34 - France

42968

5710

Today, my boyfriend told me one of the main reasons he started dating me was because I have the same name as his ex, whose name he has tattooed on his back. FML

By tattooed - 30/11/2010 15:50 - Ireland

39450

3711

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

By myasshurts - 14/10/2011 23:03 - United States

34570

6629

Today, I met my sister's fiancé. I would have been happier for her if he hadn't been mine a month ago when I introduced them. FML

By MissAggravared - 19/11/2014 08:27 - United States - Meridian

43307

3202

Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML

By m2k - 20/6/2011 14:59 - Canada

32363

7898

Today, I ran the mile in gym class. I was the second to last person to finish, and I was left panting and feeling faint. When the teacher found out I hadn't come in dead last, he accused me of skipping a lap and is now making me rerun the entire thing. FML

By Anonymous - 12/6/2013 14:56 - United States

63945

6179

Today, I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. She responded by breaking into my place and stabbing my hamster with a fork. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2013 20:33 - United States - Spring Branch

79759

4543

Today, I bought some mandarins so that there would be at least one healthy thing in my shopping basket, and I wouldn’t feel like such a fat lard at the checkout. FML

By numbat97 - 14/6/2019 02:00 - Australia - Burswood

769

1356

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

By anonymous - 30/1/2018 06:00

5220

481

Today, I bought a puppy. I just found out I can't bring it on the family trip. To save me the trouble of finding a friend to take her in, my mum handed her back to the pound. FML

By DroopyDog - 27/12/2010 08:48 - Netherlands

35839

3912

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 14:29

Tonight, on First Dates…

1229

557

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

By sexlube - 1/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

1467

854

Today, I slammed my middle finger in a drawer. I screamed and my mom came running into the kitchen. She asked me what was wrong, so without thinking I stuck up my middle finger. She hasn't spoken to me since this morning. FML

By anonymous - 26/6/2012 06:05 - United States - Ridgewood

29907

6039

Today, I went to get my nails done for the first time in a while. I don't like to go that much because two of my toes are connected, and I'm very self-conscious about it. The man painting my toes started laughing when he saw them and called all the other employees over to look. FML

By twinkletoes - 17/9/2012 06:32 - United States

32961

2504

Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

By madelynn - 31/1/2011 02:03 - United States

39453

2995

Today, I got my hand caught in a belt sander while sanding down what was supposed to become a "Caution" sign. FML

By stickyickystone - 21/7/2019 14:12

1528

326

Today, I was heading out for lunch, and a co-worker asked me if I would pick up their pizza. I said yes, because, why not? Just as I arrived, they texted to inform me that the pizza was under the name "Anita Luong Duong". FML

By Sally - 17/1/2017 18:00

6197

747

Today, I woke up with the flu that causes me to throw up violently until I dry heave and can't breathe. I told my mom I would rather have the runs, and not even a minute later, I got them. So now if I move too fast, I throw up, and if I don't move fast enough, I shit myself. FML

By sickofsick - 30/12/2010 03:11 - United States

41513

3930

Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 05:44 - United States

33727

5411

Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML

By Jessica - 15/5/2009 00:03 - United States

34846

47344