Today, my girlfriend put her hand on my abs and confessed that... - FML

By çapousse2904 - 12/9/2014 05:45 - France - Le Pr?-saint-gervais

Today, my girlfriend put her hand on my abs and confessed that she was glad I'd secretly started working out. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I've been constipated for three weeks. FML

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Season finale

Does it taste good?

Hello everyone!

By smartgirl - 1/5/2009 23:48 - Canada

Today, at the awards ceremony at my school, I ended up winning the top achievement award in my grade. The principal spent at least ten minutes talking about my success to the audience, the whole time referring to me as a "he" as I stood right next to him. I'm a girl. FML

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By Bleach dat Blood - 20/7/2015 03:02

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

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By anonymous - 25/7/2013 01:31 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was going so slow in traffic that my GPS asked me if I wanted to switch to pedestrian mode. FML

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By heartbreakkid21 - 14/5/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, I was on a date with this girl I actually like. The date was going really well and it seemed like it would be a good night. Well while in the movie theater I went to hold her hand and instead she gave me a hand shake and said "You're so funny I'm so glad we're friends". FML

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By fishyrael - 12/11/2019 01:00

What he is thinking?

Today, I was on a long road trip and I really had to pee. With no rest stop for miles and night having fallen, I decided to pull over on the side of the highway and pee in a fast food cup. A cop knocked on the window to see if everything was okay, while I was mid-squat. FML

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By cole - 24/4/2009 16:40 - United States

Today, I got approached by a hot young lady in a bar. After joking around for a few minutes she said "hey I love your jacket, where'd you get that?". I then told her that it's actually a replica of the Indiana Jones jacket. This is when she remembered that she "had to go somewhere". FML

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By IcedTaco - 13/7/2016 19:40 - Ukraine

Today, the guy I was dating told me he thought I was a good person. His reasoning? I'm not ugly enough to be a bad person, but I'm not pretty enough, either. FML

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By steak through the heart - 18/11/2014 18:57 - United States - El Monte

Today, I went on a date. I took her out to an expensive steak house. When she was done eating, she got up, said she was married, and told me she only accepted the date because I'd be paying for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2014 22:08 - United States - Blue Earth

Today, my evening was shot to hell when I found my pregnant wife on the floor, sobbing because we'd run out of cheese sticks. FML

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By Anonymouse - 2/7/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2010 23:16 - United States

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By j_Lauren - 28/1/2013 04:48 - United States

Today, my mom had the option of choosing anywhere in the world where we could go on vacation. We live in the USA and she chose to fly to Texas, rent an RV, and drive to Florida. Anywhere in the world. FML

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By indefiniteforest - 20/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my roommate was complaining about a headache, so I offered her some aspirin. She looked at me like I was stupid and said, "Uh... That stuff's only for heart attacks." I'm living with an idiot. FML

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By lonergirl - 18/2/2015 12:35 - Australia

Today, after being with the company for over 3 years, I realised nobody really knows my name. This was after my boss was walking around a new staff member and couldn't introduce me. Neither could my colleague, who's been sitting next to me for the last 6 months. FML

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By Ilovelife07 - 19/9/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I went out to lunch on my break. When I got back to work, I noticed I had something in my teeth. After trying to get it out with my tongue, I finally went to my car for some floss. I ended up pulling a 4 inch pube out of my back teeth. It certainly wasn't mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 16:09 - Guatemala

Today, I got mugged. After taking my cell phone, the guy politely said: "Thanks. Have a nice evening. Be careful on your way home." FML

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By college will be fun they said - 15/9/2017 19:30 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I was running late to class and slipped down a staircase. Not only did nobody help me, but when I got up I noticed an old man staring at my ass. FML

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By amorousintx - 26/9/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML

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By Garry - 4/3/2010 12:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that my staff doesn't take me seriously. I walked in on my chef, who had just spent an hour and half a block of cheese carving cheddar goggles for himself. When I confronted him, he pulled up his t-shirt to reveal a cocktail sausage taped to his stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2015 01:28 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I met my wife's mistress, at the maternity ward in the hospital, after she gave birth to our second child. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 01:28 - Canada

Today, as I got to my first class seat on an airplane, I saw the person I'd be sitting next to wafting the smell of her vagina towards herself and breathing in deeply. It's an eight hour flight. FML

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By auslander - 12/8/2009 20:13 - Switzerland

Today, as a supervisor at a water park, several clients came up to me and complained about a topless girl in our wave pool. I found the girl, called her out, and politely told her that she was not allowed in the pool without a top. "She" was a fat 15 year old boy. FML

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By seriously - 14/4/2018 01:30

Today, I was spoken to by my boss about an argument I had gotten into with my co-worker, saying I needed to be "respectful of others' beliefs" and less "close-minded." The argument was over whether or not the Earth was flat. FML

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By sucker - 7/9/2019 17:01 - United States - Duluth

Alexa, play "I'm Not In Love" by 10CC

Today, I went on a date I was really enjoying. My ex-boyfriend called halfway through. When I answered, he told me he wanted to get back together and couldn’t stop thinking about me. I didn’t realize my phone was on speaker. My date heard everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2019 22:00

Today, I got to a patient having a seizure and was approached by a bystander who said to me, "I have pharmaceutical grade essential oils, and they recommend Frankincense for seizures." Thank you? FML

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By rippedoff - 4/3/2010 14:09 - Australia

Today, I found out that the man who sold me my car 6 months ago lied about it being "recently serviced" and "in excellent condition". It actually hasn't been serviced in years, and fixing all its problems is going to cost me $900 more than what I paid for the car. FML

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By awks - 1/10/2012 12:50 - United States - Stuart

Today, I was going through Facebook photos of a pep rally in the hopes that I'd be in at least one of them. I was in one alright. Pulling out a wedgie. FML

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By Moe - 23/1/2009 12:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to my flat after a night on the town and staying at my girlfriend's. My flat was flooded. I had been sick in the sink and left the tap on all night. FML

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By courtbabbbby - 12/2/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

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By bobra - 21/10/2019 12:00

Helter Skelter

Today, I decided to face my fears and go on my first upside-down ride. Unfortunately for me, the two men in front of me had chosen to eat before the ride and I walked off with bits of strawberry and bacon in my hair, my clothes drenched in whitish fluid, not to mention the stench. FML

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By lol - 6/12/2009 14:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven't been able to see for two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2016 12:06

Today, my sister, who has "borrowed" almost nine hundred dollars from me over the last few months, told me I was pathetic for not having my driver's license yet and that I "wasn't normal". I was saving that money for my driving lessons. FML

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By Depressed - 8/3/2009 21:58 - United States

Today, I called up the boy I like to ask him on a date. He said "Haha, thats a pretty good impression Chris. Next time pick someone less ugly and maybe I'd think this is real." He thought I was his friend prank calling him. FML

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By insensitive prick - 19/8/2013 19:04 - United States - Tinley Park

Today, I was at a "bring your family to work" event. I noticed my coworker brought his kids but not his wife, so I asked, "No wife today?" Everyone glared at me and he pointedly replied that she's married to someone else now. I had no idea. Now everyone thinks I'm an insensitive prick. FML

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By LIFT - 23/7/2020 08:01

Ant life

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him and talking to other guys in a Facebook group that’s literally called, "A group where we all pretend to be ants in a colony." When I showed him what it really was, he dumped me for participating in something he said was so stupid. FML

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By badcomparison - 18/12/2016 07:02 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I was at Bath and Body Works with a friend of mine. She wanted me to smell a particular lotion and when she brought it up to my nose, she squeezed the bottle and lotion went all over my face. Right after, a worker came by and commented how the lotion "got a little too excited". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2017 19:00

Today, I returned home from my honeymoon and met my dad for coffee. He told me he's been seeing someone and he's so happy. It's my new mother-in-law. They moved in together during my wedding weekend. FML

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By quiet_screaming_ - 1/7/2015 02:21 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I learned I don't have a yeast infection. I have herpes. FML

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By what - 11/6/2015 22:46 - United States - Livermore

Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML

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By TheywearintheDIRTYlaundrybasket! - 26/3/2019 22:00

Today, I walked into the house I share with my boyfriend and found his mum sashaying up and down the hall. When she saw me, she exclaimed, "Oh, you've got to tell me where you get your underwear from!" Yep, she was wearing my panties. Neither she nor her son could see why I would be upset by that. FML

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Top comments

By lazymaximus | 11

#7601362 - Tuesday 20 February 2018 2:19

how are those even related?

By Emma Hersø Rasmussen | 10

#7651560 - Friday 22 June 2018 3:47

your stomach gets really hard when constipated, especially when you've been for that long

COMMENTS

By lazymaximus | 11

#7601362 - Tuesday 20 February 2018 2:19

how are those even related?

Reply

Emma Hersø Rasmussen | 10

#7651560 - Friday 22 June 2018 3:47

your stomach gets really hard when constipated, especially when you've been for that long

By timinator5000 | 28

#7815436 - Wednesday 26 June 2019 4:19

Now you know what you must do. Never poop again!