Health: Today, my girlfriend put her hand on my abs and confessed that... - FML

By çapousse2904 - France - Le Pr?-saint-gervais

Today, my girlfriend put her hand on my abs and confessed that she was glad I'd secretly started working out. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I've been constipated for three weeks. FML

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Hello everyone!

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Big bastard boss

By lopez - France

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden I hear a familiar voice: "At least someone is having fun!" It was my boss. FML

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By ufhdafuhds - Egypt

Today, I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML

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By canabana - Canada

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to close a simple $400 deal with a homeowner. He spent 3 hours telling me about his life story including his marital problems, his philosophical views of the world, AND he read me 20 pages of haiku poems. Only 3 hours later did he tell me he couldn't accept my deal. FML

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By PissedOff

Today, my husband sent me a short video of my snoring last night because I wanted to hear how bad I sound. The first few seconds went by OK, but for the rest of the clip I could barely hear anything else over the sound of my husband taking a long piss in our bathroom. FML

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By hahahaha91 - United States

Today, I woke up excited for my trip to Jamaica with my friends. We went to the airport, and I gave them my passport to check in. They gave it back. It had expired three weeks ago. I watched my friends board the plane while I'm stuck in the city. FML

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By SharpDressedMan - United States - Leesburg

Today, I spent almost nine hours cleaning because I was promised I could go to junior prom if my room was cleaned. I missed a dust bunny and couldn't go. I had a date for this, who I'd had a crush on for over a year and barely managed to ask to go with me. FML

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By Anonymous

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By anonymousyo - United States - Vacaville

Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my dad offered to pay me $40 to wash his car. Needing money to buy a video game, I agreed, and went out in the freezing weather to do the job. I finished the task, only to be paid in Monopoly money. My dad still hasn't gotten over how "funny" his prank was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML

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By shelby - United States

Today, I realized I don't know which is sadder: the fact I have detailed conversations with myself in my car, or that I bought a Bluetooth earpiece so that I can do it in public without people thinking I'm a complete lunatic. FML

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By Imagino1234 - Canada - Prince George

Today, my mother sent off a handmade Christmas wreath I made for my 70-year-old grandmother. It wasn't until after it was sent that we realized the box it was packed in was originally for adult diapers. FML

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By coco1234 - 9/3/2020 12:35

Brain melt

Today, I stood there for 10 minutes trying to fix the toaster, until I called my brother to help me. I'd forgotten that it wasn't plugged in. He now thinks I'm a complete idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danbury

Today, I had to slowly explain to my mother that Americans are not the only people who celebrate Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I sneezed incredibly hard while eating a granola bar. 5 hours later, it's still hellishly painful to swallow. Please kill me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 18:57 - Mexico - Garza Garcia

Bye then!

Today, while on holiday. I got a call to let me know my job will be gone away when I return. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in science class, we had to make play-dough with our lab partners. We were allowed to put one thing in it to make it more bouncy or rubbery. My partner said that he wanted to put a chicken wing in ours. FML

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By Patiently Watching

Today, after three university degrees and a decade of avoiding social media in order to make intelligent use of my time online, I discovered that giraffes are addictively mesmerizing. FML

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By ohgosh1428

Today, in Las Vegas, after taking my drunk dad and his drunk friend to their respective hotel rooms, I realised that I, 16 years-old, am the responsible one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister and I were sick of living with each other, so we'd decided to go on separate holidays. I get to my hotel, then an hour later she rocks up to the very same hotel to check in. She'd booked her holiday using a magazine she'd stolen from my room, and ended up in the exact same place. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom ranting on about what a useless bitch I am. She was talking to my cat. It's not the first time this has happened, either. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia

Today, I got caught masturbating, twice, by the same person. FML

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By Dogmom

Today, I overheard my manager tell a customer that it's perfectly safe for dogs to eat grapes if they're seedless. I work in a pet store. FML

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By the other woman

Oops...

Today, I found out that the guy I lost my virginity to a few months ago was in a relationship the whole time. How did I find out? His now ex-girlfriend called to yell at me. FML

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By Shouldn'taWornaThong - United States - Tempe

Shouldn't have worn a thong...

Today, while shopping at my local grocery store, a young boy came up behind me and pulled my pants down while snickering. I was so shocked and horrified that I dropped the f-bomb. His mother yelled at me for "ruining his innocence". FML

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By zac545 - United States

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

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By Anonymous Pillock - United Kingdom

Today, I came across a street musician. He looked extremely well-fed already, but his music was pretty good, so I gave him some spare change. As soon as I turned away, he started screaming at me for being "cheap", and chased me half a block before running out of breath. FML

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By unbelievable

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend always says she's been at "Alex's house", she hasn't meant the house of her friend Alexis, but rather the house of the man she has been cheating on me with. She literally told me she was cheating on me and still managed to avoid getting caught. FML

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By sadSarah - United States - New York

Today, as I was waiting in line to give my mom her birthday present, my dad gave her the exact same gift I'd also bought for her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the noodles into the boiling water and I dropped my phone in. Not thinking, I went to retrieve it from the water. I now have a completely useless phone and a useless hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lansing

Today, I took my girlfriend out for a romantic dinner, since we can't see each other this Valentine's Day. Halfway through, my aunt called, telling me my grandma had died. I had to leave because I was crying so much, leaving my girlfriend with a very pricey bill. FML

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By muffin - United States

Today, I wanted to look really good for my date. I was a little self-conscious, so I decided to use Nair on my upper lip just in case I had a female mustache. Unfortunately, it turns out I'm allergic to Nair. Now I DO have a mustache. A rash mustache. FML

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By apparentlytoougly - United States - Garden Grove

Today, a customer came up to me and asked if I knew where the make-up aisle was. I pointed him in the right direction but he just gasped and said, "Oh so you DO know where it is!" and walked away, roaring with laughter. FML

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By bigbuldge

Roommate From Hell

Today, my roommate whipped my face with a frozen chicken cutlet. My cheek is now the size of the chicken cutlet, and now he won't drive me to the hospital because it's "too funny to look at." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my friend to come sit next to me in class. I pulled out the chair next to me. Coincidentally, she started to sit at that same moment. Now both she and my teacher are convinced I did it on purpose, and they want to have a talk with my parents. FML

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By Brittany - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were kissing. Halfway through the kiss, he rubs his tongue along all my teeth and says, "You need to brush your teeth." FML

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By efff my life. - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I was driving her to a surprise party where I was going to propose. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, a classmate at college accused me of stalking her. All because I walked past her house. I was walking to the supermarket. FML

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Top comments

By lazymaximus | 11

#7601362 - Tuesday 20 February 2018 2:19

how are those even related?

By Emma Hersø Rasmussen | 10

#7651560 - Friday 22 June 2018 3:47

your stomach gets really hard when constipated, especially when you've been for that long

COMMENTS

By lazymaximus | 11

#7601362 - Tuesday 20 February 2018 2:19

how are those even related?

Reply

Emma Hersø Rasmussen | 10

#7651560 - Friday 22 June 2018 3:47

your stomach gets really hard when constipated, especially when you've been for that long

By timinator5000 | 28

#7815436 - Wednesday 26 June 2019 4:19

Now you know what you must do. Never poop again!