Today, my girlfriend came over, drank half a bottle of Jack Daniels and pissed in my sink. I broke up with her and went out with friends. I met a woman and brought her home to watch a movie. She drank a bottle of wine and puked on my couch. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, my friend found out his girlfriend was cheating on him. He came to talk to me, and I was happy to help him through this tough time… until he drank a bottle of whiskey by himself. He flew into a drunken rage and started punching holes in the wall and throwing furniture. Now my house is wrecked. FML
Today, after clubbing with my girlfriend, we went to her place. She then threw up on the floor, and went to clean herself up. When she came back, she'd forgotten that she'd just thrown up. She blamed me for puking, and kicked me out. It was 4:00 am and a 3-hour walk home. FML
Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML
Today, my friend got a text showing his girlfriend cheating on him. Sounds like his FML, but he was at my house. He then worked his way through a bottle of my whisky and went into a drunken rage. He threw my furniture through windows, punched holes in the wall, and smashed stuff until I had to call the cops. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of my drunken antics. My reaction? Pour myself a stiff drink. FML
Today, I invited my boyfriend over to watch a movie with myself and a few friends. He got drunk, talked during the entire movie, fell into and broke my fan and then threw up all over my roommate's bathroom. He is still leaning over the toilet and my fan sounds like a woodpecker. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to drink several shots of vodka after taking a pill that makes you sick when you drink. She puked all night and then blamed me for making her sick. FML
Today, I got a drunken call from my boyfriend, which consisted of him telling me that he, "does man things like fuck bitches and roll with hoes," and that I've been, "trying to turn him into a half-ass girly man," but, "that shit ain't right." Then he threw up. FML
Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML
Today, I was cuddling in bed with my girlfriend after a night of heavy drinking. She rolled towards me, looked me in the eyes and sweetly said, "I love you". Her morning breath was so bad that I had to jump up and rush to the bathroom to vomit, leaving a trail along the way. FML
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Top comments
Iamthebanzai22 21
You seem rather shallow. First off, breaking up with a girl for that. Have you never done stupid stuff while drunk? Oh no, I guess you are Mr Perfect. OK, then we get to 'going out with friends and hooking up mere hours after breaking a girl's heart. But damn, then Karma kicks you right in the nuts. Bazinga, ************!!
ajh1800 25
Maybe look for someone who doesn't drink so much? Look at coffee shops instead of bars.
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Comments (24)
BurnInDemonFire 39
You're missing the girl who got so drunk she shit the bed. But given your penchant for finding women who seem to enjoy getting wasted, I'm sure it won't be long before you complete the trifecta. If I were you, I'd get the new mattress and clean sheets ready now, so you're prepared.
VenomMouth 2
just stop dating my dude
LolCandy 27
Rude rebound much. Also, if you are going after women who are drunk, remember that having sex with them when they are heavily intoxicated is rape, as they are incapable of consent. But I’m guessing that doesn’t matter to you
Hempseed 27
Where exactly did OP mention anything about rape? Or sex, for that matter?
Nhayaa 21
I'd say the FML would be for your ex-girlfriend for dating a guy like you who can bring a new woman to his house just hours after breaking up with her with no remorse except for his ruined couch. You know, if you just want sex, you don't actually need to date them. And looking at your childish reactions, you'd probably do them a favor.
FluffythePink 24
So... You're complaining about the fact your drunk girlfriend was being drunk so you dropped her like a bag of dogshite, picked up another drunk girl that night and are now whinging that said drunk girl puked on your sofa? Either just stop with the drunk girls or have a brutally honest conversation with yourself about why only drunk girls put up with you. Given the utter lack of any regard for the actual girls here, I'd put money on the latter...
mattyiscool123 26
Was this all in one day?
GUYMAINE 16
you take out the trash, not bring it inside