How I feel at the kid&#039;s table

Today, my crush finally let me drive his truck for the first time in a empty parking lot, after he told me he liked me. It was so dark that I ended up driving into and pole and totaled his car. Now he hates me. FML

Videos

Rock, hard place

Everyone's an expert

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By madd_dizzle - 25/10/2009 15:39 - United States

10699

43190

Today, I was on a 12 hour trans-Atlantic flight overseas. I asked the flight attendant where this rancid smell was coming from. The guy sitting next to me started laughing, saying, "Sorry, something I ate is not agreeing with me." This was hour 1 of the flight. FML

By whatsmccraken - 10/9/2009 12:37 - Taiwan

40580

2283

Today, I finally got to see my favorite aunt after months of her living far away with her new boyfriend. She now believes the Earth is flat, gravity is fake, the government is run by reptiles, and that vaccines are the devil themselves. She won't stop trying to convince me of her conspiracies. FML

By Inez333 - 3/4/2019 02:00

2364

142

Today, my husband and I agreed that he would name our first born and I would name our second. He's dead-set on naming our child "Raindropp" no matter whether it's a boy or girl. FML

By trisha - 16/7/2012 20:57 - United States - Wellesley Hills

29492

7463

Today, in the bathroom at work, I heard two co-workers enter and begin a very private discussion. Not wanting to embarrass either of them, I figured I'd sit quietly until they left. Big mistake. They talked for an hour and a half. I couldn't feel my legs. FML

By AccidentalToiletSpy - 21/8/2018 20:30

2504

828

Today, I was hanging out with this guy I've been trying to get for four months. I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. I walked out, glad that I was quiet about it. Ten minutes later, my mom walks out of the same bathroom and goes "Honey, you need to spray after you make a stinky" FML

By stanky - 22/4/2009 04:37 - United States

60645

5781

Today, as I was jogging on the boardwalk, an old guy tripped me with his cane. As I was getting back up, I heard him say to his wife, "I wanted to see if she would actually fall." FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2019 00:01

1827

103

Today, I babysat my neighbour's spoilt bratty twins. When I told them it was their bed time, they pushed me over. One then started smashing me with a plastic sword, and as I lay helpless on the floor the other one peed on me. I got owned by two five year olds. FML

By peestain - 25/10/2010 10:06 - United Kingdom

20612

32002

Today, according to daycare, my son is behind in his potty training curriculum because we are not "celebrating his natural bodily functions" enough. He turned 2 a week ago, and he peed on our bed last night because we're trying to meet this demand. FML

By NotThePotty - 19/10/2015 10:15 - United States - San Francisco

24369

2972

Today, I was at a soccer game when some guys walking behind me yelled that I had a nice ass. I then heard someone shout, "Hey, assholes. That's my daughter." He yelled at them for quite a while. He wasn't my dad, just some weird dude. FML

By Steph - 19/8/2019 02:00 - United States

1471

385

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by. The attackers used water guns. FML

By COCKYmanUSC - 12/9/2011 02:50 - United States

25961

6424

Today, I learned just how much change a toddler can stuff in to a Nintendo Wii. I also learned that those things are put together with special screws. FML

By Gameless Guy - 24/12/2009 15:49 - United States

27103

4080

Today, I procrastinated on doing my on-line training for my new job. Thinking it would only take a few hours to complete, I started it in the early evening. It is now almost 4 am, and I start my new job in 3 hours. There is still about another hour and a half on on-line training left. FML

By Anonymous - 13/9/2010 09:40 - Canada

8692

52805

Today, my mom invited my asshole cousin to my daughter's 10th birthday party, saying that this is the best time for me to apologize for having him imprisoned 3 years ago. He’s the same cousin who held my daughter hostage after the cops cornered him in a drug bust. FML

By MY fault!? - 27/4/2018 15:00

6002

241

Today, my crush, who’s notorious for only dating skinny girls, walked out of the break room. I turned to my friend and joked, “I may not be skinny, but I can suck a jawbreaker through a boba straw!” Turns out he came back because he forgot his phone. He most definitely heard me. FML

By sucky sucky - 7/7/2020 14:01

Oh, hai Mark

631

1446

Today, I'm in my mid-twenties and just learned that I still start crying in confusing situations. I found this out by getting the wrong train in a foreign country, and then having the conductor come and tell me my ticket was only valid for the other direction. FML

By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 03:10

1635

237

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a long blowjob and had to pause for a minute because my mouth became exceedingly dry. His solution? Spit directly in my mouth. FML

By buymeflavoredlube - 5/6/2018 05:00

Spit or Swallow?

4491

861

Today, I ended up talking to a homeless man and bought him a meal. In return, he hugged me and groped my ass. FML

By meesmees - 23/11/2013 10:48 - United States - Severna Park

43695

6757

Today, I was kicked in the crotch. The girl who did it thought I was her ex-boyfriend. I'm a girl. FML

By Anonymous - 18/9/2011 21:24 - United States

37252

4412

Today, I was getting it on with a girl I've been talking to for three months. She's a year younger than me and it was her first time. So, I went easy. After five minutes she started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said I remind her of her dad. FML

By Jeremy - 7/8/2009 02:03 - United States

80576

7339

Today, after returning to work from a week-long sickness, I sent out an apologetic email to all of my clients to explain my lack of communication due to absence. I realised afterwards I had put the subject line as 'Absense'. And sent it to all of my clients. FML

By absense - 16/3/2016 07:43 - United Kingdom

13479

3892

Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

By FMLFMLFMLFML - 29/5/2009 17:52 - United States

65979

14811

Today, I got fired from my job. A coworker that strongly dislikes me convinced my boss I took a day off because I was going to a Trump rally. FML

By uhmwow - 25/10/2016 00:50

12642

949

Today, I had to meet with my landlord to organise when he was coming to look at my flat and decide whether I get my deposit back. In the time it took to see him, my friend drank a bottle of vodka and vomited all over my room and knocked the window through. My landlord is coming in the morning. FML

By Robbins - 31/8/2009 02:51 - United Kingdom

34603

5309

Today, the area I live in is so rural that the nearest Starbucks is a 1-hour drive away. And in another country. FML

By NoStarbucks4Me - 21/2/2017 02:00 - Germany - M?hldorf

6347

1242

Today, in my psychology class, we were given a sheet that had a list of stressful events and we were to select the ones we had experienced in the last 12 months. I got highest in my class of above an 80% chance of getting a life threatening illness due to stress. Everyone laughed. FML

By Stressy - 12/2/2010 11:39 - United Kingdom

28291

3188

Today, I watched one of my neighbor's trees fall into the electrical lines outside my house. This was after he took a chainsaw to the tree. He refuses to cover the damages. FML

By trees - 24/7/2013 16:44 - United States - Waupaca

48195

2907

Today, I was applying some acne ointment. The directions said, "Apply a thin layer, covering the entire affected area." In other words, for me: My entire face. Lovely. FML

By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 05:04 - United States

25339

4172

Today, I'm left with two non-refundable tickets to Jamaica, because my now ex-boyfriend said his Quidditch tournament is more important than seeing my "fat ass in a bikini". FML

By afraid of flying too - 24/6/2013 23:24 - Canada - Fort Saint John

53775

6613

Today, I got a call from an ex, demanding to know why my Facebook relationship status was set as married. I got married a few months ago, and I quietly explained this to her. My wife overheard and now thinks I've been cheating all along. FML

By married and hates - 19/12/2010 18:51 - United States

38225

5591

Today, I was cashier at work. The line came to a stop, but there was still people there. I kept saying next, but no one moved. I finally looked over the counter where there was a lady who had been standing there the whole time. She was a midget. FML

By saraleerocha - 2/11/2010 06:20 - France

40730

14260

Today, I went to see my banker. As we were finishing everything up, I leaned forward to sign something. As I went back to sit down, my 2 year old pulled the chair out from under me, and I crashed down to the floor. FML

By Gretchen - 25/2/2011 01:56

28230

5647

Today, my roommate told me there is some restricted number that keeps calling and waking her up at odd hours of the night. She then says she's getting the police involved to find out who it is because she feels "harassed". I'm the restricted caller calling to wake her up from snoring so loud. FML

By wowimscrewed - 14/4/2011 04:37 - United States

17580

32706

Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML

By Anonymous - 22/6/2009 18:12 - United States

56861

5522

Today, I had my quarterly review with my supervisor at the warehouse I work at. He told me I was doing great and we discussed my raise. After I left his office, his supervisor told me I was being fired for my attendance. The last time I missed work was to attend a funeral. Five months ago. FML

By crub - 5/3/2009 15:10 - United States

61173

2307

Today, I got in trouble with my doctor for eating too soon after surgery. Why was I eating? Because the nurses brought me food, which apparently I should've known not to eat. FML

By kylinsmama - 8/3/2020 08:01 - United States

Mixed signals

1652

127

Today, I'm stuck in a taxi cab while the driver listens to a radio show about sex fetishes. Can't wait to look him in the eye as I pay him. FML

By jojolee68 - 28/2/2015 19:53 - United States

28777

2776

Today, my boyfriend accidentally called me from his pocket. I thought it would be funny to see what him and his friends were talking about. I laughed when I heard him talking about us fooling around until I realized it wasn't me. FML

By Em - 15/10/2009 06:12 - France

38167

3547

Today, I was having sex with my fiancé when he stopped and said, "Boy, what I wouldn't give for a burger right now." FML

By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 21:10 - Lebanon

31213

4953

Today, I asked my boss for a couple of days off to recover from a nasty ear infection which has left me hard of hearing. However, he didn't understand why that would affect my job and refused. I work in a telephone call centre. FML

By Anonymous - 10/6/2015 13:26 - United Kingdom

30020

1934