How I feel at the kid&#039;s table

Today, I went to college, where I'm studying for my dream job. Despite getting up at 5am to catch the earliest bus into town, I arrived ten minutes late. My professor knows my circumstances, but is still threatening to kick me off the course if I don't "arrive on time like everyone else." FML

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Understandable

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Countdown

By Anonymous - United States - Virginia Beach

43745

7973

Today, after getting out the car and closing the door, I began walking and slipped on some black ice. In the moment of panic, I grabbed onto my car wing mirror. Luckily, I didn't hit the deck. Unluckily, the wing mirror broke off. FML

By Iceicebaby - United Kingdom - London

5120

642

Today, my mother, who thinks I'm a virgin, called me while I was having sex with my boyfriend. I have to answer every time she calls or she freaks out. I ended the conversation quickly and hung up. Or so I thought. She listened in to the rest of our 20-minute lovemaking session, and I have some explaining to do. FML

By SoDead - 5/12/2020 04:01 - United States - Center Point

Overbearing parents are the worst

578

1249

Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML

By dwood08 - United States - New York

33929

15836

Today, my father called the cops saying I stole his car. It's my car, but his name is on the title. Why did he report it stolen? Because rather than taking him to a bar and being his designated driver, I went to a job interview. FML

By bubblzzz

2144

123

Today, I'm 3 days post-partum and my husband accidentally jabbed into my side while flopping onto the couch. FML

By Ouch - 18/1/2021 08:02

Fragile

816

Today, I babysat the brattiest and most foul-mouthed 8-year-old I've ever met. After I survived three hours of it, his parents finally came home. He claimed I'd invited a boy over and that we did "stuff" on the couch all evening. They believed him. I didn't get paid, to say the least. FML

By bastards - Netherlands - Den Haag

57914

4195

Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

48663

6713

Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

34331

6518

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

By dangit - United States

22960

14166

Today, I was awoken by a slug crawling down my back. FML

By slugitha - United States

19329

1829

Today, one of my preschool students hit me in the nuts in front of my whole class. If that wasn't bad enough, the blow to my crotch instantly triggered a very audible fart. FML

By owwthatfarts - United States - Worcester

6925

501

Today, while making a move in a board game that helped my boyfriend win, he got all excited and said "I love you, babe." I smiled until I realized this was the first time he told me that other than when he wants a blow-job. FML

By Anonymous - United States

31715

6274

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my dorm room. He was naked and was peeing into my water bottle. He kept asking for Chris. I have no idea who Chris is. FML

By thewallrules - United States

36873

3442

Today, my aunt informed me that she thinks I'm faking the debilitating disease I've had for the past 13 years. Apparently she thinks I just don't want to go to college or get a job, and that I like living on disability. She also added that my entire extended family agrees with her. FML

By Anonymous - United States

79558

6028

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

By fungettingdressed - United States

51694

9024

Today, I locked myself out of my dorm room. I walked across campus, shoe-less and in nothing but my bathrobe, to find someone who could let me back in. Turns out I hadn't even shut the door properly and so it never actually locked. I can still hear the guy laughing at me. FML

By killmenow - United States - New Orleans

38754

14350

Today, I'm stuck with sleeping in the same room as my mother. The problem? Her snores are extremely loud and a full minute long. I'm not kidding, I timed it. FML

By - United States - Tallahassee

Loud and long

1763

131

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

By Anonymous

3049

3627

Today, I got the flu. Feeling really sick and depressed, I called my boyfriend to get some comfort. When he didn't answer his cell, I called his house, only to hear his mother telling me "he was so sad that we broke up." I didn't know. FML

By Anonymous - Denmark

36494

2474

Today, we were building the homecoming float, the theme is Seasons of Love. We went around the yard and put random leaves on the float. My friend's dad looked at the float and said, "You do realize that's poison ivy?" FML

By Anonymous - United States

10770

30169

Today, at my 6-year-old son's birthday party, I had to explain to my boyfriend that it's not okay to use condoms as party balloons. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

32808

6316

Today, during my uncle's funeral, my four year old loudly asked, "Where's all the dead people?" FML

By Chouse - Canada - Grande Prairie

23707

2667

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML

By steve - Australia - Melbourne

28997

5327

Today, after some great sex, my boyfriend mused: "You know, from this position, I could punch you in the cunt and you wouldn't be able to stop me." I could only relax when he finally fell asleep nearly an hour later. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

24607

2743

Today, it was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, and said: "Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world." My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML

By SirPimPim - Sweden

34328

13396

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice "oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML

By alexis89 - United States

78183

20089

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because I look like his favorite hentai character. FML

By titmeister - United States - Bayonne

13507

1549

Today, I don't know anyone in the city where I just moved. I felt really lonely so I picked up my cat to try and cuddle with her. She freaked out and ripped my face apart. She ran then away to go play with the cats outside. Even my cat has more friends than me. FML

By owew

33006

5173

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he triumphantly flung the condom to the ceiling, only to have it come down and smack me in the face. FML

By omgdesdes - United States - Casselberry

39543

5948

Today, while my friend and I signed the guest-book at a wedding, the drunk guy at our table stole my friend's painkillers and car keys before getting into a cab. Didn't need the painkillers, definitely needed the keys. FML

By strandedguest - United States

25275

2854

Today, my boyfriend and I were in my backyard goofing around when he tried to pick me up. He couldn't. I jokingly tried to lift him. I did so without much effort. FML

By kylie - Canada

33388

7184

Today, I spent an hour and twenty minutes throwing up at a toilet from a shopping mall because I ate rotten food without realizing it. At least during that time I made two new friends, a gay couple who were making out in the next toilet cubicle. FML

By Vomitron - 2/4/2021 00:30

Let it all out

764

Today, I went for a job interview. Before giving me a tour, the manager pointed to my purse and said, "Better leave that in my office." I didn't know why it was safer in her office than on my shoulder, but I complied. Later, I went to buy coffee and discovered that all my cash was missing. FML

By NoMoney4Me - United States - York

26680

3948

Today, I bought some new led under glow lights for underneath my car. I was putting them on when my dad came out, insisted on taking over, and then proceeded to break them. FML

By Anonymous

2054

630

Today, my friend got dumped. I wanted to say, "You must be devastated", thinking, "That really sucks." I said, "You must really suck." FML

By Oops - United States

48112

13787

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

By PainStressLife - United States - Dublin

39251

3341

Today I got a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road. It was a one-way street. FML

By Anonymous

I am the law

1104

338

Today, I went to work with a great attitude, something that doesn't happen often. It was shortly ruined after some lady yelled at me because I accidentally shorted her one penny. Yep. One single penny. FML

By WhyMe - United States - Wareham

27165

3874

Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML

By Scott - United States

37191

6375