Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend called me over to her house. When I knocked,... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/09/2011 23:54 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend called me over to her house. When I knocked, no one responded to the door. I decided to check the back yard and found her sunbathing by the pool. I kneeled by her and placed my hand on her butt, kissing her neck. What I heard next, "So this is what you do with my daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 871

You deserved it 26 500

Batman

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Stranded

By Noname - 02/03/2009 18:52 - Canada

Today, I decided to be a good driver and not run through the yellow light. As soon as I stopped my car another came and rear-ended me. The guy told me to go in the parking lot so we can exchange information. So I drove into the parking lot, I turned my head and watched him drive away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 493

You deserved it 7 584

They hated her because she spoke the truth

By Anonymous - 21/08/2021 06:01

Today, I threw a pillow at my 8 year-old cousin while play-fighting. She gave me a look, then muttered, "You don't have any girlfriends and the girls that talk to you probably have no taste." FML

I agree, your life sucks 710

You deserved it 85

By Kfeaaa - 24/02/2009 02:31 - United States

Today, I ran up to my boyfriend and gave him a kiss. I didn't understand why the girl next to him got upset, but it turns out the voicemail I deleted by accident was him breaking up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 879

You deserved it 7 549

Unhappy Birthday

By Anonymous - 27/07/2020 02:01

Today, none of my family was at home. Turns out my one of my aunts was having a birthday party and all my relatives went, but nobody told me because they don’t like me coming around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 222

You deserved it 241

By janice - 03/06/2011 23:23 - United States

Today, my boss called me to his office, and played back a recording of me telling a co-worker that if I still worked there in a year, I would hang myself. He then bitched me out for unprofessional conduct. The taped conversation took place over a year ago, with my recently ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 590

You deserved it 7 690

By Scabby - 11/04/2012 09:53 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend pulling off scabs and eating them. My scabs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 406

You deserved it 3 621

By Anonymous - 24/02/2010 14:20 - Israel

Today, after months of searching I finally got a job interview. Too bad I didn't have enough money to buy a bus ticket to get there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 222

You deserved it 4 232

By Creepedout - 25/06/2013 01:27 - United States - Clearwater

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my dad's poker game. He didn't know I was there, and was telling his friends what he would do to my girlfriend if I wasn't dating her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 027

You deserved it 4 664

By Anonymous - 11/11/2014 18:56 - United States - Dekalb

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find my dad passed out on the floor with his pants around his ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 014

You deserved it 3 047

By crazybiotch - 28/05/2009 18:09 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I sent a forward to the ladies at my office. When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 703

You deserved it 61 041

By All Dressed Up With No Place To Go - 11/09/2015 05:57 - United States - Ashland

Today, I finally lost enough weight to fit into the beautiful dress that I ordered for my senior prom. I graduated from high school in 2010. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 402

You deserved it 4 877

By Anonymous - 21/06/2019 04:30

Today, I sparkled because of this glitter bar my mother got me from Lush. I didn't realize until after I got out of the shower that it wasn't just ordinary soap. I tried to wipe off the glitter. It wouldn't come off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 549

You deserved it 255

By UptoHERE - 04/02/2010 03:18 - Canada

Today, I was on a road-trip with some of my buddies, when we stopped at a gas station. When I opened the door to their bathroom, brown water flowed out, soaking my legs up to my knees. I then spent another 2 hours in an enclosed vehicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 357

You deserved it 2 268

By Anonymous - 05/03/2013 16:13 - United States - Craftsbury

Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I can talk to them throughout the day." And then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 175

You deserved it 13 679

By Lockout - 31/08/2015 20:01 - Germany - Kiel

Today, I thought I'd locked my house keys in my locker at work. Not having any replacement nearby, I decided to cut the padlock with the saw of my pocket-knife. It took 20 minutes and four cuts into my hand to destroy the padlock. It took another five seconds to find the missing key in my jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 464

You deserved it 21 235

By owwwww - 19/07/2012 20:05 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was having a really vivid dream in which I had to take a penalty kick to win the World Cup for the USA. I took the kick, but in reality, I smashed my foot against my bedroom wall and broke four of my toes. I also missed the kick in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 709

You deserved it 3 527

By FuckfaceSteve - 01/02/2015 14:59 - United Kingdom - Chester-le-street

Today, the girl I like finally replied to a text I sent a week ago. Her reply was: "Don't ever text me again, fuckface." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 600

You deserved it 4 393

By parentalfail - 25/12/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, my parents told me they're getting a divorce. However, they asked me not to tell any of the family so that the news doesn't spoil Christmas. Thanks, Mom and Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 230

You deserved it 2 245

By Sofi - 21/08/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I canceled going to a party with my sisters because I had a secret plan to have a threesome. They left for the party, but soon returned thinking it would be no fun without me. By then we were already making a lot of indecent noise. They heard it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 142

You deserved it 2 841

By notautistic - 26/09/2014 01:15 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, marks yet again another day that I've been asked if I'm autistic. No, that's just my Korean accent. Apparently I look "too white" to have one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 628

You deserved it 2 725

By Anonymous - 04/05/2016 14:15 - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, I found out that my daughter not only has a boyfriend, but that they're trying for a baby. She's barely 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 668

You deserved it 2 831

By lostintellct - 11/05/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 199

You deserved it 51 156

By Anonymous - 24/09/2010 23:10 - United States

Today, my friend asked why I always smell like a dead animal carcass. I have no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 121

You deserved it 7 889

By Needlongerarms - 08/09/2016 12:56 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my laziness got so bad, I downloaded an app and spent 10 minutes configuring it to work with my TV and cable box, just so I wouldn't have to get up and grab the remote. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 872

You deserved it 5 263

By D - 09/09/2011 09:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 169

You deserved it 4 812

By Anonymous - 26/07/2013 03:15 - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 742

You deserved it 20 459

By SODbeatlesMCRlp - 19/11/2010 16:54 - United States

Today, I came home and found a can of body spray. My parents get me a new scent whenever they go shopping, which is usually at least twice a week. They left a note: "Do you get it yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 730

You deserved it 34 974

By killmenow - 19/02/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after a year of living together. She told me that she met someone else and wanted to move out. She moved out... but moved her things into my roommate's bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 200

You deserved it 3 476

By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the guy I liked how I felt by making him a mixed CD. Confident, I gave it to him. After class, I went to the trash can to throw some paper away. I saw my mixed CD in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 148

You deserved it 8 164

By Anonymous - 16/06/2013 06:37 - United States - Denver

Today, I had my last orchestra concert and had a large solo. My dad came to watch and record it; however, the whole time he recorded another girl, thinking it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 545

You deserved it 3 208

By WTF - 26/10/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I was rejected by a girl when she told me she is not ready to date. We met on a dating website. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 891

You deserved it 4 472

By Anonymous - 12/09/2014 21:36 - United States - New York

Today, I found out my fiancée's been cheating on me. Her excuse? Her ADHD made her do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 713

You deserved it 3 493

By pandasbear - 26/05/2010 08:18 - United States

Today, I went on a first date wearing a new hair color. It was Interior Latex Slate Speckled Grey, from accidentally leaning my head against a wall while house painting earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 801

You deserved it 14 171

By Kitty - 01/06/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I was working as a waitress at this pub. It was dead. After 4 hours I had only made 5$ in tips. A friendly couple came in and complimented EVERYTHING down to the freshness of the lemons in their tea. The bill came to $50. They left me a $5 gift card to starbucks. I don't drink coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 568

You deserved it 7 637

By sorrygrandma - 01/02/2012 03:34 - United States

Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during my solo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 444

You deserved it 4 186

The Dictator

By anonymous - 18/01/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I discovered that my new landlords must meet and approve guests of mine before they come over, and guests are not allowed when they aren't home or past 11pm. I'm 25 years old and just moved out of my parents' home to get away from my controlling mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 058

You deserved it 4 096

By smarter than a mollusk, skinner than a hippo - 10/11/2010 17:33 - United States

Today, a girl who has had a problem with me for as long as I can remember, tagged me in a Facebook status update in which she equated my intelligence to that of a mollusk and equated my weight to that of a hippopotamus. My boyfriend, as well as several of my "friends," liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 755

You deserved it 4 476

By forgotten - 28/02/2013 00:42 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I saw my car being broken into on the street below my apartment. Too scared to stop them myself, I called the police. Before I could even tell them what was going on, they put me on hold. It was a good 5 minutes before I realized they'd hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 121

You deserved it 3 971

By Good Parenting? - 26/06/2015 16:38 - United States - Columbia

Today, my mother woke me up by putting a beer on my face. After 15 minutes of her telling me to "just take a sip" and me rejecting it, I finally did just to shut her up. She then yelled at me for giving in to "peer pressure". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 472

You deserved it 2 834

By Anonymous - 22/03/2017 18:00

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 056

You deserved it 3 639

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Friday 16 September 2011 8:50

Obviously a MILF.

ShroomsOnAcid 16

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Friday 16 September 2011 8:54

Big deal, just say "Yes." and continue.

Comments

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Friday 16 September 2011 8:50

Obviously a MILF.

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Friday 16 September 2011 9:11

How did you not tell the difference between the two!?

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Friday 16 September 2011 9:20

Obviously you didn't read #1.

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Friday 16 September 2011 10:41

If Heaven was a mile away...

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Friday 16 September 2011 12:37

Would I pack up my bags and leave this world behind?

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Friday 16 September 2011 13:38

You should have said: no, there's more.

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Friday 16 September 2011 13:43

how many pornos have I seen with this same scenario

fanceh 10

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Friday 16 September 2011 15:18

Take a moment, chew it over with Twix.

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Friday 16 September 2011 18:03

Now pornos should say 'based on a true life incident'

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Saturday 17 September 2011 11:36

Pretty sure the porno goes more like, "Today I found my 'girlfriend' sunbathing in her backyard. She wasn't wearing any clothes, so I started to have sex with her, until I relised it was my girlfriends mom. We kept going at it and my girlfriend joined 5 minutes later.

Christianrules 1

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Saturday 17 September 2011 22:03

Reading this gave me a boner.

hatepineapple 14

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Sunday 18 September 2011 0:01

The FML never states if it was the mother or the father. :)

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Tuesday 20 September 2011 3:28

You got style.

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Tuesday 20 September 2011 18:29

I got the impression that the mother/father popped up behind them somewhere after he began molesting their daughter.

pantherpride98 10

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Wednesday 5 October 2011 1:07

Lovely info. How old r u?

ShroomsOnAcid 16

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Friday 16 September 2011 8:54

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Friday 16 September 2011 9:20

Sounds like a porno

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Friday 16 September 2011 9:50

You know she wanted some, but don't do it since it could cause one of those "Today, I found out about my mom and boyfriend" FMLs.

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Saturday 17 September 2011 2:20

Gross

Friday 16 September 2011 8:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 19 September 2011 0:00

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 19 September 2011 0:02

Let me correct that, a threesome with the mother and daughter and the mother would be going with the daughter now... YOUR SUCH A PERV

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Friday 31 May 2013 11:01

Bloke is in a bar, and an attractive woman of about 50 asks him if he fancies a sportsman's double. He figures her daughter must be in her 20s, so he agrees eagerly. They get to her place, and she goes to the foot of the stairs, and calls up "Hey Mum, are you awake?"

Friday 16 September 2011 8:58

Was this before or after she put her dentures back in? I prefer her dentures out. Nothing worse than a chick with a biting reflex

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Friday 16 September 2011 10:53

that's disgusting...

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Friday 16 September 2011 11:08

Uh oh boner D: nope no boner... you killed it!!! >:(

TaylorRenee444 0

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Friday 16 September 2011 22:11

What the fuck dude

airjordan6_fml 1

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Saturday 17 September 2011 20:36

Ur a faggot

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Wednesday 21 September 2011 4:49

you guys take shit too seriously..

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Friday 16 September 2011 8:58

Very understandable and calm mom. When you get your girl pregnant there shouldn't be any issues.

randomstudios 0

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Saturday 17 September 2011 6:26

I would like this but there are 69 likes

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Friday 16 September 2011 8:59

That's not how you get on good terms with the parents.

slushpup9696 12

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Friday 16 September 2011 10:06

It's how you get on great terms on one and awful terms with the other. They should balance out, right?

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Friday 16 September 2011 11:04

Until the dad decides to clothes line him, for him being the reason his wife won't sleep with him. ;)

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Friday 16 September 2011 9:10

I bet OP really wishes he had a moment with a Twix bar.

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:07

Omg thats a good one lol

slushpup9696 12

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Saturday 17 September 2011 11:53

95, you should point it out in a comment for no reason at all. ...oh hey! A comment!

Rainbow_dumpster 27

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Monday 19 September 2011 21:54

You are a winner, #7. Really! xDDD;;

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Friday 16 September 2011 9:13

what did you say? and if she didn't say stop there would always be those awkward family get togethers you were invited too.

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Friday 16 September 2011 9:15

I love this post. I give her props for being a down to earth mom and not flipping out. Furthermore... She didn't flip out. Next time you fall asleep on their couch momma might be coming your way.

KaylaAlbright 0

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Friday 21 October 2011 6:28

Lmfao

Kielnmsoftly 26

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Wednesday 24 December 2014 12:42

And cumming.

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Friday 16 September 2011 9:16

Fuuuuuuck

slushpup9696 12

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Friday 16 September 2011 10:07

Not yet; that happens later.

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:12

Lmao

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:12

Lmao

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:12

Lmao

pantherpride98 10

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Wednesday 5 October 2011 1:09

Hell ya lmao! How old r u?

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Saturday 29 October 2011 21:06

*interrupt* I'm 15!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 85

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 163

You deserved it 87