Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend called me over to her house. When I knocked,... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me over to her house. When I knocked, no one responded to the door. I decided to check the back yard and found her sunbathing by the pool. I kneeled by her and placed my hand on her butt, kissing her neck. What I heard next, "So this is what you do with my daughter." FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Instadrama

Walk on the wild side

By buggyluv - United States - Edwardsville

Today, at my new job, a coworker offered to help me mop the floors since she wasn't busy. I ended up getting written up by my boss for supposedly being too lazy and making other people finish my work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother thought he would take my key and steal my shoes from my football locker while I was at practice. What he didn't think about was him leaving my locker unlocked for the 3 hours of practice. Someone stole my iPod, my cell phone, my wallet, and all of my clothes. FML

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By yesikilledit

Today, I woke up and saw a piece of black fuzz on my shirt. I tried to pick it off but it crawled into my hand and stabbed my skin with its sharp legs. I screamed like a little girl because I had a centipede on me. FML

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By dormlyfe - United States - Moraga

Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML

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By bridalqueen - United States

Today, as a veteran blood donor, I made a friend who was donating for the first time- I told her not to be scared and that I've been doing it for six years and that it was a great way to help people. While at the snack area afterwards, I passed out, started convulsing and went into shock. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my two year old cousin was having a temper tantrum. I decided to give him a flashlight because playing with it usually distracts him. It didn't. Instead, he hit me in the face with it as hard as possible, leaving a bruise. FML

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By rejected4555 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with him, and I responded that we could do another kind of workout upstairs. He quickly said he'd rather just go to the gym. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I finally confronted my bully. Too bad it was at my high school reunion and he beat the shit out of me. FML

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By Kurda - United States - Wallburg

Today, I finally found a bug I had been trying to get rid of. When I removed my bra, I noticed what looked like a piece of bug on it. Apparently, the bug was flattened and suffocated by my boob the entire day. FML

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By licensed_ginger - United States - Barberton

Today, my boyfriend told me he didn't feel attractive. I tried to cheer him up by telling him that I find him very attractive, and so do my friends. He said that didn't matter, because my friends and I aren't attractive either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-wife crashed my engagement party. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to an Honors Convocation for my school. I received a letter a few weeks earlier telling me I received an award. Surprised and proud, I invited my family to join me to see what award I was receiving. I couldn't find my name in the program. I was invited by mistake. FML

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By truecountrybitch - 9/5/2020 23:00

Anger management

Today, my boyfriend got frustrated trying to take my entertainment center into the basement, for the kids' game room. It didn't fit, thanks to the horrible design of the house, so he Spartan-kicked it down, breaking it into 15 pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Sticky

Today, I read that using vegetable oil would give your legs a smooth feel, especially if you haven't shaved for weeks. So I tried it out. My legs felt slimy, the oil clogged up the blades, and I was reduced to shaving my legs with a naked razor head and soapy water. Endlessly smooth indeed. FML

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By novaguy - United States

Today, I learned that, when choking on a piece of food, you can cough hard enough to partially prolapse a hemorrhoid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

Today, my girlfriend launched her own business. I was recently laid off from my job, so I offered to be her very first employee. I now have the glamorous job of bleaching people's assholes. FML

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By sadgirl

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend's mom and the subject of marriage came up. She told me she hopes I'll find my prince charming very soon and leave her son alone. FML

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By tgstreaks - United States

Today, I got a spray tan for the first time. Naked, I climbed into the booth. When the machine started I became frightened by the loud roar of the spray and couldn't breathe. I pissed myself out of fear. I now have river-like streaks down both legs where the pee washed my tan away. FML

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By AnatomyLecture

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that the size of a man's penis is not proportional to his height. He was insecure because he's 5'6" and assumed everyone taller had a bigger penis than him. He's 30. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I told my Dad I was an alcoholic and had decided to seek help. His reply, "Don't stop drinking, you are the life of the party, funny and beautiful when you drink." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at the office, my most annoying client asked me to send her a document. I have now sent it to her over 5 times, in a different format each time, and every single time she replies with, "Not in the requested format". She won't tell me what the requested format is. FML

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By QuietGirlSucks - United States - Baltimore

Today, I tried talking to the very quiet girl in my grade. We were having a conversation when a very hot guy walked into the cafeteria. I said to the girl, "The things I would do for him…" She looked at me dead in the eye and said, "That's my boyfriend." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went to work in my best outfit for the big corporate party we were having later in the day. When I arrived, my boss said, "You missed one hell of a party yesterday!" Shit. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML

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By Djcc - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML

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By newscomes - United States

Today, after watching the news, I realized the only person who has ever wished that I had a good day, or wished that I had anything pleasant for that matter, is Charlie Gibson on World News Tonight. FML

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By whyme - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend his shirt and pants did not match and that he should change for dinner. All my belongings are now on the sidewalk. FML

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By Kim - 17/7/2020 23:01

To the window, to the wall

Today, I saw my boyfriend using a washcloth to clean his cock and sweaty balls. He told me he's been doing this for quite some time now. Guess who's been using the same washcloth to clean her face. FML

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By whyeventry? - United States - Neenah

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

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By lazydude - 17/3/2021 11:01

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

Today, I got hired and now I have to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2020 13:58

Shedding

Today, I found out, after having my third and last child, that I'm balding. I'm only 23 and quite frankly It's very much noticeable. How did I find out? My four-year-old daughter pointed it out to me, saying, "Mommy, why you shed like the dog?" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2020 20:00

Smooth

Today, I turned 30. I still can't grow any facial hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

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By TMI - United States

Today, I was emailing my professor about what chapters our test is on this afternoon. She accidentally emailed me informing me of the date she went on last night, including that she "got laid... yay!!" and a picture. I still don't know what chapters I'm being tested on. FML

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By Live02Dance - United States

Today, my mother won't give me any painkillers for my migraine. She believes that "When medicine goes into your stomach, the acids stop the medicine from working" and that "It's all in people's heads when medicine works". FML

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By tryingnottocare - United Kingdom

Today, after being supportive for nearly a year, my brother finally came out of the closet and introduced the family to his new boyfriend. His new boyfriend happens to be my ex-boyfriend. Guess I know why that didn't work out now. FML

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By ohseven6421 - United States

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, a tenant in my apartment block told me about a nice shady place behind our building where he often goes to relax. Curious, I went looking for it. It was a quiet and secluded courtyard. At least until a man came out of nowhere waving a hammer in my face, screaming in a foreign language. FML

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By CrazyInLove - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I overcame my lack of social confidence and got a date for the first time in 10 or so years. After a while, my date admitted that she's a schizophrenic with dissociative identity disorder. I guess it's back to being single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Denied

Today, an Air Force recruiter called me. I've been wanting to join the Air Force for 5 years now. After chatting on the phone with him for 10 minutes, I mentioned to him that I had asthma. He quickly told me I can't join any of the military branches, and to have a good day. FML

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Top comments

By illmatic2 | 16

#3297072 - Friday 16 September 2011 8:50

Obviously a MILF.

By ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3297092 - Friday 16 September 2011 8:54

Big deal, just say "Yes." and continue.

COMMENTS

By illmatic2 | 16

#3297072 - Friday 16 September 2011 8:50

Obviously a MILF.

Reply

ElGranOrgo | 0

#3297200 - Friday 16 September 2011 9:11

How did you not tell the difference between the two!?

Reply

Blazingcrono | 6

#3297229 - Friday 16 September 2011 9:20

Obviously you didn't read #1.

Reply

btnhdude | 0

#3297405 - Friday 16 September 2011 10:41

If Heaven was a mile away...

Reply

fistnazal | 10

#3298240 - Friday 16 September 2011 12:37

Would I pack up my bags and leave this world behind?

Reply

fthislyfe | 22

#3298493 - Friday 16 September 2011 13:38

You should have said: no, there's more.

Reply

zombicidal | 11

#3298509 - Friday 16 September 2011 13:43

how many pornos have I seen with this same scenario

Reply

fanceh | 10

#3298741 - Friday 16 September 2011 15:18

Take a moment, chew it over with Twix.

Reply

awagh666 | 14

#3299370 - Friday 16 September 2011 18:03

Now pornos should say 'based on a true life incident'

Reply

TheOptimist | 0

#3303029 - Saturday 17 September 2011 11:36

Pretty sure the porno goes more like, "Today I found my 'girlfriend' sunbathing in her backyard. She wasn't wearing any clothes, so I started to have sex with her, until I relised it was my girlfriends mom. We kept going at it and my girlfriend joined 5 minutes later.

Reply

Christianrules | 1

#3304886 - Saturday 17 September 2011 22:03

Reading this gave me a boner.

Reply

hatepineapple | 14

#3305087 - Sunday 18 September 2011 0:01

The FML never states if it was the mother or the father. :)

Reply

shooterbuddy | 8

#3314231 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 3:28

You got style.

Reply

humorizer | 14

#3317723 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 18:29

I got the impression that the mother/father popped up behind them somewhere after he began molesting their daughter.

Reply

pantherpride98 | 10

#3388802 - Wednesday 5 October 2011 1:07

Lovely info. How old r u?

By ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3297092 - Friday 16 September 2011 8:54

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Suchagoonnn | 4

#3297225 - Friday 16 September 2011 9:20

Sounds like a porno

Reply

stephan18 | 23

#3297305 - Friday 16 September 2011 9:50

You know she wanted some, but don't do it since it could cause one of those "Today, I found out about my mom and boyfriend" FMLs.

Reply

kbball95 | 7

#3301534 - Saturday 17 September 2011 2:20

Gross

By transalex | 4

#3297105 - Friday 16 September 2011 8:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

piwikiwi93 | 0

#3308527 - Monday 19 September 2011 0:00

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

piwikiwi93 | 0

#3308532 - Monday 19 September 2011 0:02

Let me correct that, a threesome with the mother and daughter and the mother would be going with the daughter now... YOUR SUCH A PERV

Reply

BrotherPhil | 32

#5514700 - Friday 31 May 2013 11:01

Bloke is in a bar, and an attractive woman of about 50 asks him if he fancies a sportsman's double. He figures her daughter must be in her 20s, so he agrees eagerly. They get to her place, and she goes to the foot of the stairs, and calls up "Hey Mum, are you awake?"

By enonymous | 8

#3297124 - Friday 16 September 2011 8:58

Was this before or after she put her dentures back in? I prefer her dentures out. Nothing worse than a chick with a biting reflex

Reply

sean0120 | 3

#3297983 - Friday 16 September 2011 10:53

that's disgusting...

Reply

leadman1989 | 15

#3298014 - Friday 16 September 2011 11:08

Uh oh boner D:

nope no boner... you killed it!!!

>:(

Reply

TaylorRenee444 | 0

#3300373 - Friday 16 September 2011 22:11

What the fuck dude

Reply

airjordan6_fml | 1

#3304661 - Saturday 17 September 2011 20:36

Ur a faggot

Reply

LilTiki559 | 13

#3320166 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 4:49

you guys take shit too seriously..

By tsim_fml | 0

#3297129 - Friday 16 September 2011 8:58

Very understandable and calm mom. When you get your girl pregnant there shouldn't be any issues.

Reply

randomstudios | 0

#3302483 - Saturday 17 September 2011 6:26

I would like this but there are 69 likes

By Freeze_fml | 16

#3297135 - Friday 16 September 2011 8:59

That's not how you get on good terms with the parents.

Reply

slushpup9696 | 12

#3297327 - Friday 16 September 2011 10:06

It's how you get on great terms on one and awful terms with the other.

They should balance out, right?

Reply

leadman1989 | 15

#3298009 - Friday 16 September 2011 11:04

Until the dad decides to clothes line him, for him being the reason his wife won't sleep with him.

;)

By s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3297196 - Friday 16 September 2011 9:10

I bet OP really wishes he had a moment with a Twix bar.

Reply

oilfan11 | 0

#3300519 - Friday 16 September 2011 23:07

Omg thats a good one lol

Reply

slushpup9696 | 12

#3303056 - Saturday 17 September 2011 11:53

95, you should point it out in a comment for no reason at all.

...oh hey! A comment!

Reply

Rainbow_dumpster | 27

#3312724 - Monday 19 September 2011 21:54

You are a winner, #7. Really! xDDD;;

By JEHughes | 13

#3297203 - Friday 16 September 2011 9:13

what did you say? and if she didn't say stop there would always be those awkward family get togethers you were invited too.

By gunner2590 | 0

#3297215 - Friday 16 September 2011 9:15

I love this post. I give her props for being a down to earth mom and not flipping out. Furthermore... She didn't flip out. Next time you fall asleep on their couch momma might be coming your way.

Reply

KaylaAlbright | 0

#3464829 - Friday 21 October 2011 6:28

Lmfao

Reply

Kielnmsoftly | 26

#6152934 - Wednesday 24 December 2014 12:42

And cumming.

By ea49610 | 0

#3297217 - Friday 16 September 2011 9:16

Fuuuuuuck

Reply

slushpup9696 | 12

#3297332 - Friday 16 September 2011 10:07

Not yet; that happens later.

Reply

lovergirl67 | 0

#3300840 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:12

Lmao

Reply

lovergirl67 | 0

#3300843 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:12

Lmao

Reply

lovergirl67 | 0

#3300845 - Saturday 17 September 2011 0:12

Lmao

Reply

pantherpride98 | 10

#3388809 - Wednesday 5 October 2011 1:09

Hell ya lmao! How old r u?

Reply

shootintacos | 0

#3509887 - Saturday 29 October 2011 21:06

*interrupt* I'm 15!