Love: Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 453

You deserved it 121

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 185

You deserved it 1 588

26/01/2010 07:35

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 607

You deserved it 2 941

Best teeth in the game

Great first impression

Luck of the draw

24/08/2019 12:00

Today, I wondered why the cashiers at my local chip shop were being so unusually friendly and knocked money off my bill. Then when I got back to my boyfriend's house, I noticed my bright red bra shining through my black top like a light. I debuted my tits for some chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 331

You deserved it 484

Side effects

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 18:59

Today, I sneezed so hard, I farted. During my vaccine appointment. I hate hayfever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 106

14/06/2012 08:11

Today, I was out to coffee with an extremely attractive friend. A crazy man came up to the window we were facing. He took one look at her, then turned to me with a big, congratulatory smile, flashing me a thumbs-up. Then he turned to her, frowned disappointedly and gave a thumbs-down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 464

You deserved it 2 425

23/12/2010 06:36

Spicy

Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 000

You deserved it 9 400

17/01/2010 06:22

Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 614

You deserved it 6 039

17/08/2018 14:30

Today, I called my boyfriend and a woman answered. Turns out, she's also his girlfriend. She broke up with me on his behalf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 445

You deserved it 201

29/08/2011 21:19

Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 681

You deserved it 9 566

30/12/2010 15:37

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to talk with a British accent during my job interview to make me sound smarter. I'm applying for a job at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 509

You deserved it 5 344

10/10/2009 22:22

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 089

You deserved it 21 213

05/08/2011 04:18

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 196

You deserved it 13 222

Occam's razor

By cheatingapparently - 20/06/2020 23:06

Today, I got an A+ on a writing assignment. My teacher asked me three times if I really did write this article myself, and didn't memorise an article from the Internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 378

You deserved it 106

Love sex

By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 05:00

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 040

You deserved it 293

Still better than the Cats movie

By dirty deeds - 31/05/2020 14:00

Today, my brother’s cat pissed on my brand new bed. He refuses to replace the mattress, and claims it wasn’t his cat. We only have one cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 131

12/03/2019 05:00

Today, breastfeeding my infant has become so automatic that when my dog nuzzled up against me while I was sleeping, I lifted up my shirt and unhooked my nursing bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 921

You deserved it 342

07/07/2009 23:04

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 770

You deserved it 8 979

True Love

By Marriedtoajew - 03/01/2018 19:00

Today, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, I got into a fight with my wife. Apparently, she feels that I shouldn’t have gone to the hospital because “Funerals cost less than surgery.” She brought an extremely detailed spreadsheet to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 817

You deserved it 409

Fun times

By KeepinItInTheFamily - 28/10/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, my future sister-in-law told me that not only will I have to host her bachelorette party at my new, still under construction house, but she has also booked a sex consultant to come and give a toy presentation. There's a $350 minimum spend. Only 5 people are coming, 4 of which are family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 051

You deserved it 314

26/07/2010 04:34

Spicy

Today, I told my girlfriend of 2 years that I was sexually abused as a kid. She was only the third person I've told. She reacted by breaking up with me because I "might do something" to her kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 411

You deserved it 4 499

16/12/2009 06:15

Spicy

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 931

You deserved it 4 648

23/10/2015 18:56

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I cried my eyes out for hours over the guy who dumped me 9 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 474

You deserved it 2 945

02/05/2009 00:05

Spicy

Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor went through the normal questions, then paused for a moment and jotted something down. Later when I got back my report from the checkup, I noticed that the doctor had checked the "no" box by "sexually active." She didn't even ask me that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 290

You deserved it 6 438

18/04/2013 04:00

Today, I had to explain to a woman why she wasn't allowed to squeeze all the contents of the sample lotion bottle into her own bottle. She threw a fit, and dumped the whole bottle on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 223

You deserved it 4 058

22/06/2016 14:29

Today, I told my friend I'm going vegetarian. He's now calling me "Reek" after the guy from Game of Thrones, because I'm apparently a "dickless loser" now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 251

You deserved it 5 209

04/07/2019 00:06

Today, my fiancé accidentally ran over the priest who is supposed to be marrying us in 3 days. Now, not only do we need a new priest, we need a new church to get married in, with only 3 days to find them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 606

You deserved it 258

30/05/2009 19:50

Today, I began to choke on a large pill while my mom was in the room. Hoping that she would help me, I began to make a lot of noise. After she completely ignored me, I threw my body over a chair, saving my life. At this point my mother asks me to shut up because she can't hear her friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 922

You deserved it 4 725

08/03/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that my son has been telling me he's gay so we would allow the "female friend" who is actually his girlfriend to stay over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 143

You deserved it 2 771

21/05/2009 12:45

Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 598

You deserved it 64 326

27/12/2009 06:58

Today, I backed out of the driveway of our newly built home. Being unfamiliar with the driveway, I ended up getting bogged in the mud and slid halfway down the steep slope of the front yard, trying free myself. I haven't met my neighbours yet. They stood in their front lawns watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 070

You deserved it 4 218

25/05/2012 11:18

Today, I got fired from my job at a weight-loss center because I was too skinny, and apparently it's too depressing for the customers to handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 336

You deserved it 3 763

12/10/2013 13:19

Today, I am 20 weeks pregnant. My fiancé has decided my new nickname will be "Oink Oink". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 298

You deserved it 4 973

13/05/2014 05:42

Today, in a waiting room, my 4-year-old daughter told me she saw two guys kissing. I quietly explained that some men like men, they're gay, and normal like everyone else. I was pleased with myself until the woman across from me scoffed and muttered, "Disgusting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 383

You deserved it 8 344

26/05/2010 04:26

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with a woman who was yelling at the top of her lungs, sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. She also told me if she had a heart attack and died from crying, it was all my fault. Why? I told her she needed her receipt to have her T.V. repaired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 930

You deserved it 3 002

22/07/2009 14:12

Spicy

Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 481

You deserved it 6 739

06/07/2015 23:02

Today, I was finally going to break down my social barrier by going out on a date with a nice guy I recently met on a dating site. Just at the start of the date, he asked me how old I was, and out of pure nervousness, I blurted out, "12!" I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 271

You deserved it 6 048

Take what you can get

By Anonymous - 20/04/2021 00:30

Today, I got the most action I've had in about 3 years when my dentist pressed her boobs against the top of my head to fill my cavities. I really need to get me a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 735

You deserved it 124

29/12/2016 13:33

Today, my neighbour put in a noise complaint against me for being loud at midnight. I was having a coughing fit and couldn't breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 599

You deserved it 330

29/01/2017 16:00

Today, I politely asked our overweight neighbour to park on her side of the garage. Three unsuccessful tries later, she drives out and parks on the street in a huff, and I'm now the world's biggest bastard because she can't legally park on her side and still open her door due to her size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 341

You deserved it 714

25/01/2009 05:54

Spicy

Today, I promised my best friend I wouldn't let her hook up with any guys (she got an STD a few weeks ago). After we tossed a few back she led about 30 people in a chant of "cockblock" after I wouldnt let her go home with some random dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 083

You deserved it 3 960

26/05/2019 06:11

Today, my pasty white boyfriend told me he intended to try and grow dreadlocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 294

07/08/2013 16:34

Today, I noticed that my new shampoo had an unfamiliar pink color to it. After some investigation, I found a dead mouse that had apparently cut itself on the bottle pump. I've been washing my hair with mouse blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 776

You deserved it 5 408

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Top comments

greenltrn2003 0

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:18

my dad had sex with one of my girlfriends...she was 16 imagine how I feel

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:51

that's sad when your dad is taking your pussy away. Man up! oh and your dad might be an online predator! haha

Comments

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:51

that's sad when your dad is taking your pussy away. Man up! oh and your dad might be an online predator! haha

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 18:04

father getting sons gfs sloppy seconds let's hope she doesnt get pregnant.

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 18:16

wow, thats just gross. ur dad needs a life

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 20:47

hahah wowow feel bad for ya bud thats a major cockblock

kayladance101 13

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 23:09

aww fyl that sucks

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 5:02

i feel your pain buddy. i was in the same boat but now with my dad. ouch. tell your dad he is a complete douche

BATjr 0

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 8:27

get him back by hitting on his lady!

girlzrule94587 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 2:15

wow. ur dad is real low to go for lady. and ur lady is just desperate or slutty to go fo yo dad. that's sick.

JaquanKennedyFML 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 4:13

maybe he just wants some lol

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Friday 29 January 2010 12:51

ur dad is a clowncar

cadeissoscene 0

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Tuesday 2 February 2010 23:10

119 are you retarded haha:) if he were to hit on his dad's lady for revenge he'd be hittin on his mom lmao. ..... beside's technicaly he's already been in her!

upinyourphaedrus 2

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Thursday 16 August 2012 15:46

I don't think that banging his mom will prove much.

foolforcaring 0

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:52

wtf??? ummmm how old are you and ex gf anyways?

div01 2

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 3:52

tell him everytime he kisses her, he sucks your dick.

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 5:34

lol

darkerkiller89 0

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Wednesday 17 March 2010 6:25

lol 104 but that sucks dude.

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:58

What the fluff. o.O Your girlfriend is weird. Get another one. Make sure she's, well, normal.

npk88 0

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 17:20

I say he goes and dates his ex gf's mom!

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:00

If he doesnt date her, FYL. If he dates her, FYL x's 2. Make sure to ruin any possibility of a sex life and refer to her as "mommy". Maybe it'll freak her out. Or she'll spank you/punish you sexually =). You'll win, either way.

TheCoolGuy3434 0

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 16:20

what the fuck is ur problem

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 17:10

Sexual frustration. Or a sense of humor. Either way, I'm single, ladies ;D

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 17:46

^ this guy = win

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 21:01

yea hes funny! n sexy ;) win x2!

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 21:35

Single? I wonder why.

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 23:53

damn! hit me up on fb! rofl

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 2:06

this funny sexy boy FTW^2

NeedsMoreCowBell 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 21:20

ur fucking hot

ivyy 0

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Saturday 30 January 2010 5:21

wow Danny u r fuckin hot ;)

x_HELLo_tHERE_x 0

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Monday 1 February 2010 5:41

Danny, you sir are brilliant in the area of awkward comedy. I salute you.  

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Saturday 13 February 2010 2:40

i'll relieve that sexual frustration ;)

tastymonsterkake 0

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Sunday 8 May 2011 15:46

you, goodsir, are a serious case of a sexy-win[:

greenltrn2003 0

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:18

my dad had sex with one of my girlfriends...she was 16 imagine how I feel

greenltrn2003 0

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 16:41

oh no dont stress....I had sex with her too. :P

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 17:29

EW

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 20:59

shes a whoooooooooooore

greenltrn2003 0

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 23:33

yes...yes she was...but she was my whore. *tear* lmfaooo

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 9:03

lol!!!!!

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Friday 29 January 2010 16:03

don't say stuff like that "JESUS CHRIST"

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Saturday 19 March 2011 17:51

that my friend, is called 'rape' in my book

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Thursday 9 April 2015 22:30

I honestly wouldn't care that it's my dad, if they do that they don't care about me. So report him for statutory rape. I'd do that.

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Thursday 7 April 2016 15:11

and you didnt have him arrested?

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:18

Son stop complaining she's mine now ok? Stop being such a pussy

me5 0

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:24

Have sex with your dad's gf. ha ha

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 16:16

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

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Wednesday 22 June 2011 10:31

his dad is probably a G

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:39

is he at least good looking if not.... well there's no way to put that it will be great for him when he's stradling her and she says that's not how your son does it

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:42

wow ur dads a dick and ur ex is a whore

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:47

Thats is absolutely discusting. if that was my dad I would kill him. I mean, if anything happened.

div01 2

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 3:53

disgusting*