Cat Fail

Today, I received a Saturday detention because the assignment I'd handed in had different handwriting. I've been practicing my handwriting skills for the past month. FML

A beautiful truck decoration

Bad news

Great guy

By Brookie Bear - 4/4/2017 20:00

4976

404

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Being the mature one, I went up to her and said, "Hey, how's it going?" She maced me and kept walking. FML

By wat_dafuq_bro - 6/5/2013 06:06

51351

11301

Today, I celebrated the new year. Alone. FML

By Nick Nameous - 1/1/2009 06:22 - United States

24144

5260

Today, we were running late for school so my mum shouted at me to hurry up and get in the car. I put my school bags in the boot of the car and my mum drove off. It wasn't until she got to my school and told me to get out that she realised I wasn't there. FML

By albert - 13/5/2009 12:36 - United Kingdom

58173

4123

Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

By harry - 6/12/2008 07:51 - France

25657

4117

Today, I had to break up with my boyfriend when I caught him installing cameras in my bathroom. FML

By Sarah - 17/12/2012 12:25 - United States - Statesboro

45498

4709

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

By simple living - 29/4/2015 02:43 - United States - Austin

30783

2657

Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML

By horp - 29/9/2015 22:00 - United States - Torrington

26591

9061

Today, I went to pick up some pictures I took on a family trip, but the person at the counter said someone else had already picked them up. Now not only am I out $20, some random creep has pictures of me and my whole family. FML

By countrygirl8846 - 2/12/2015 15:02 - United States - Atlanta

22227

1495

Today, I realized how bad my OCD is when I accidentally got a paper cut and I was annoyed by the fact that the cut wasn't in a straight line. FML

By Teiu88 - 20/10/2013 14:34 - Canada - Niagara Falls

46593

6875

Today, I went out for a few drinks with some friends. All night, I kept smiling and showing off my newly brace-free teeth. Later on, one of my friends drunkly asked, "Why does she keep smiling? Her teeth are fucking jacked." FML

By murp - 18/10/2012 16:26 - Canada - Calgary

26447

3168

Today, I took a dump at work, when I realized there was no toilet paper left. There was another guy in the room, so I asked him for some. He decided he'd rather dump all the rolls of paper into the other toilets, before wishing me luck and walking out while laughing his ass off. FML

By FUCKFACECUNT - 2/8/2015 13:32 - United Arab Emirates - Abu Dhabi

29555

2371

Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML

By Lady Douche of Asscrackington - 10/10/2013 20:00 - United States - Watertown

43428

3540

Today, while I was on the up escalator, a small woman in front of me farted directly into my face. FML

By Emmy - 2/10/2011 06:36 - United States

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Today, it was my first day with new contacts, but I found out they make my eyes red and itchy. Today was also the day I had a very important meeting. They think I showed up stoned. FML

By Anonymous - 4/12/2009 17:36 - United States

30804

3352

Today, the woman I've loved for 15 years and had children with told me she's remarrying to the man she cheated on me with. Since her father passed last year, she wants me to give her away at the wedding. FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2018 11:00 - United States - Denver

5505

309

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my phone ringing. As I groggily reached for it I managed to knock my fan onto my head, leaving a grate-shaped bruise. The best part? My phone wasn't ringing, I dreamed myself awake. FML

By GodDamnFan - 27/5/2009 11:44 - United States

43114

5771

Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML

By I already have one, thanks - 9/8/2014 05:59 - Australia - Mosman

42193

3064

Today, my teacher called me "stupid and ignorant" for referring to myself as Asian. I'm from Pakistan. Pakistan is in Asia. FML

By Sufia - 28/10/2017 19:51

Technically Correct: The Best Kind of Correct

4393

300

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

By - 16/11/2019 18:00

My anal beads

950

1962

Today, while at a restaurant with my boyfriend, a piece of ice got stuck in my throat. I couldn't get his attention until after it melted because he was busy checking in on foursquare. When he finally noticed my freaking out and I told him what had happened, he laughed. FML

By Samipearl - 12/11/2010 14:06 - United States

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Today, my dad grounded me for swearing, after I read a funny comment on Youtube to my sister. The supposed swear word? "YOLO." FML

By libraries are a girl's best friend - 19/7/2013 21:53 - United States - Elizabethtown

40855

35566

Today, a guy I've been seeing for a while sent me a link to a porn site, with the message, "Holy fuck, isn't this your mom?!" Thinking he was joking around, I clicked the link just to see what sick shit he wanted to show me. It was my mom. FML

By identitychangeplease - 19/9/2012 20:41 - Sweden - Nyn?shamn

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Today, as a bridal shower gift, I got a "coupon" for 25% off divorce attorney fees. It was a collective gift. FML

By Nikki - 30/5/2010 16:29 - Canada

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Today, I have an upset stomach. Every other minute, it sounds like Chewbacca is screaming to get out. FML

By pixkalexi - 20/5/2013 20:14 - United States - North Easton

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Today, due to the incompetence and apathy of my lab partners, I have to write a 12-page lab paper by myself. A 12 page lab paper about radishes. Radishes. FML

By quinndulgent - 29/11/2015 21:10 - United States - West Bend

24189

1946

Today, I returned home after a three-week trip to Jamaica. When I opened the door to my room, I was greeted by a swarm of bees and their enormous nest, which was attached to my doorknob. Apparently, I'd forgotten to close the window properly before I left. FML

By Anonymous - 29/4/2011 02:24 - United States

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18450

Today, I paid $500 for a gym membership after moving into a brand new house, since 12 years of software development has taken its toll. When I told my instructor about my goal to lose 35lbs in two months, he simply said, "Yeah... That's not going to happen. Try another gym," and left promptly. FML

By samsterling - 13/3/2016 22:30 - United States - Blacksburg

18255

4144

Today, my family and I were burning our Christmas tree. For a laugh, my dad jokingly pushed me toward the fire. I tripped, and my doctor says the burns are probably going to scar. FML

By frownyface - 14/1/2012 17:32 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML

By Undercooked - 24/9/2013 19:08 - Canada - Mississauga

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Today, I realized that the full body wax I got two weeks ago that my wife told me would look sexy doesn't just make me look like a completely hairless ten-year-old boy. The ingrown hairs everywhere now make me look like someone with chicken pox. FML

By mikey - 14/10/2010 13:05 - United States

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Today, I was so desperate for a friend that I posted a Craigslist ad to find one. Now my phone's filled with spam and I still don't have any friends. FML

By StillFriendless - 25/11/2016 15:20

9589

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Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML

By Sarah - 25/8/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

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Today, I had to choose between living with my over protective dad who only uses me for free childcare, or my pot smoking mom who always needs to borrow money. FML

By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 03:25 - United States

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Today, I was in a car accident. After screaming at the woman for running into me, I got in my car and drove off. As I was driving away, I was staring her down when I ended up rear ending the person in front of me. FML

By prettyinpurple - 10/2/2009 04:54 - United States

7909

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Today, I was walking to the shops when I saw my friend about 10 metres in front of me, waiting at the traffic lights, by herself. Jokingly, I shouted out "Who's that really ugly person waiting at the lights?" The girl turned around. It wasn't my friend. FML

By Anonymous - 7/2/2011 11:43 - Australia

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Today, I had an argument over whether or not I should buy some flowers. With myself. Out loud. FML

By mindlost - 7/1/2010 02:58 - United States

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Today, I learned my 40 year old father is marrying a girl barely a year and a half older than me. She told me not to be afraid to call her mom. I was torn between punching her in the face and vomiting. FML

By OfCourse - 27/6/2009 05:32 - United States

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Today, I got a text from the guy I've been in love with for 3 years, saying: "So um, I've been wondering. Did you used to be a man?" FML

By butchapparently - 10/8/2015 15:35

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2206

Today, I had a garage sale, and had amongst my clothing a few sets of underwear. A old man came up and asked to buy all of them. I'm so poor, I couldn't say no to the pervert. FML

By sickened - 21/9/2014 18:23 - United Kingdom - Gateshead

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