Today, my friend gave me a fortune cookie that said, "Don't be...

By joking0303 - 16/7/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, my friend gave me a fortune cookie that said, "Don't be saddened by an upcoming event". Three hours later my girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too superstitious. FML

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Miscellaneous

This is fine

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

Great guy

By Micheal - 23/11/2009 03:59 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up me with for being the "perfect boyfriend". Apparently I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, and she didn't know how to take it. So she dumped me. FML

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By shart up, your puns suck - 1/6/2014 18:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I clogged my girlfriend's toilet, so being a gentleman, I tried to rectify the situation. I plunged the holy fuck out of that damned toilet, only for her to accuse me of jacking off because I was taking so long. When she stormed in and the smell hit her, she called me a pig. I just can't win. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2014 22:28 - United States

Today, after leaving my mom's house, I got 4 text messages from her about how I was a terrible person for not saying goodbye to my sister when I left. The "sister" she was referring to is the family dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2012 17:21 - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water bottle while in a lecture. The water caught in my throat and it felt like I was choking to death. Instead of asking me if I was okay or trying to help, the guy sitting next to me told me to shut up. FML

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By joonsson - 22/3/2017 20:00

Today, I had to get an EKG device attached for a 24-hour test. Not too bad, but I have to wear a string vest over it, and every time I move, it chafes something crazy. My nipples in particular. Only 22 hours to go. FML

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By whatrights - 12/7/2009 08:59 - United States

Today, I learned that "Officer, I do not consent to any searches" means "Officer, please handcuff me, I am trying to be difficult" in cop speak. FML

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By jam - 11/2/2012 07:03 - Australia

Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 15:38 - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza over the phone from Pizza Hut. I turned at the store and waited for over 25 minutes. When they saw me sitting there for such a long time, they eventually asked what i was waiting for. I'd called the wrong Pizza Hut. FML

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By Hunter Ferguson - 31/7/2018 13:00 - United States - Fort Washington

Today, I got grounded for 2 weeks for slapping my brother after he threw a baseball at my head and hit my shin with a bat. He’s in 9th grade and I'm in 8th. He got ice cream to "cheer him up". FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2012 15:45 - Reserved

Today, I was having lunch at McDonald's when I dropped a French fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML

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By JustplainSad - 15/8/2020 23:01

People are strange

Today, I found out my friend of 15 years, who cut off our weekly gaming group during Covid after a fight, is speaking to everyone but me. I wasn't even in the fight, I just checked in to see if he was OK after. FML

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By littlegirl - 7/5/2011 04:46 - Canada

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 19:41 - United States

Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML

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By Sola - 11/5/2011 04:10

Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML

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By Bug5992 - 9/12/2012 22:46 - United States - Kent

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

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By Ihatemyjob - 24/4/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, my boss told me that he didn’t want to promote me because my, “scores were too good.” He then told me that I would be getting twice as much work to do than my coworkers, without a raise. I work minimum wage. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2013 15:04 - Canada - Whitecourt

Today, a man walked into the bank I work at and asked what he would need in order to open an account. I had to look him in the eyes with a straight face, say, "Two pieces of identification," and ask him to put some pants on. FML

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By Lyn - 6/7/2012 22:14 - France

Today, I discovered that I'm adopted. How? After a great lunch, I asked my uncle how he'd made the salad dressing. He replied, "Haha! It's a secret family recipe, my dear!" I wouldn't have thought twice about it, were it not for my parents' shocked expressions, and the long, awkward silence. FML

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By kdehshaden - 30/4/2012 08:25 - United States

Today, after a lot of begging, I finally convinced my husband to shave all of his pubes off. Now I can't even look at it without laughing, and he's mad at me for making him do it. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2011 06:07 - Canada

Today, I was performing a show about pirates for a youth program. A child started crying because I wasn't a real pirate. A little girl took my defense: "He's a real pirate, his teeth are all yellow!" FML

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By Cress - 11/2/2018 19:00

Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing I wanted was the complete series of Dragon Ball Z on DVD. He just sighed, shook his head, and asked me to pick something normal. FML

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By itsthebestdayoftheyear - 22/12/2015 12:30 - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, after 3 years of hard work, very little vacation and no raises, our boss got us a crappy box of drug store cookies as an employee appreciation gift. Which he ended up eating. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2017 11:08

Today, I accidentally covfefe

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By LG - 17/3/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, I found out that I will be spending my spring break alone because my family is going to France. I can't go with them nor go with any of my friends because I have to take care of the cat. FML

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By branded - 14/5/2009 19:57 - United States

Today, I found out the tattoo signifying my marriage turned out to be more permanent than the marriage itself. FML

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By thetallone - 23/2/2010 08:05 - United Kingdom

Today, on the way home from a night out, I crossed the main road in my town via the traffic lights. As I got to the other side, a guy turned to his two friends and 'whispered' with a look of disgust, "I would have run that one over." Thanks. FML

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By mcd - 5/10/2020 08:01 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Rat Race

Today, at work, a man punched me in the face because he said I took his son's job. He meant both me and his son applied for the same job. He also asked to speak to my boss, because he thinks I "cheated." FML

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By James - 30/3/2012 18:44 - United States

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2010 17:34 - Canada

Today, after going down on my boyfriend, we were cuddling and I went to kiss him. Just before I could reach his lips, he ran his finger over my mouth and whispered, "S-s-s-semen." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2012 16:25 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, one of my nostrils became completely blocked. At lunch time, I went out to my car to dig into my nose. When I finished, I held up the cornflake sized booger in victory. I noticed too late that my boss was in a car adjacent to me, shooting me a horrified look. FML

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By ch - 4/3/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, my grandmother patched up my $300, vintage, limited edition, designer jeans because she thought I'd accidentally ripped them. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2019 18:00

Crazy best friend

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, and my drunk best friend knocked on our door. We screamed 'go away' and she still opened the door. She then saw us, and asked if she can join. FML

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By eaa145 - 3/3/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

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By AmatureLitCritic - 14/5/2012 07:37 - United States - Portland

Today, I found out that a family member found a publisher for his book; his badly written, terribly sourced, historically inaccurate book that insults and misrepresents most world cultures and religions. If this actually makes it to print, I'll never be able to use my maiden name again. FML

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By Starter656 - 24/12/2017 06:00

Today, I'm the designated driver for a Christmas party I wasn't even invited to. Not only do I get to watch people have a good time, but I'm also supposed to not get involved in the party. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2012 08:52 - United States - Madison

Today, after finishing a song during karaoke, a man came up to me and held out his hand. Quite flattered, I shook it, said thanks and that I was glad he enjoyed it. Turns out he was next and just wanted the microphone. FML

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By Great. - 18/5/2012 15:05 - United States - Billings

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML

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By bethany - 3/11/2011 17:36 - Australia

Today, my drunk sister came in my room at 2 in the morning, sat on the side of my bed, fell off, knocked over my glass of water, which ruined my new phone, then got angry at me for getting angry with her. She then slammed my door, which made all the photo frames smash to the ground. FML

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By Poordaughter5 - 6/7/2016 17:21 - Germany

Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML

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By CJ - 12/8/2016 01:02 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was looking for a moustache comb, couldn't find it anywhere. Then I noticed it in a basket by the toilet with scissors. My wife's been using it to trim her pubes. FML

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Top comments

By JessTrek | 0

#401497 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:11

I agree with #1 and 2. That would be a really dumb reason to break up with someone. So, in other words, you had a different fault that ended the relationship.

By ithedarkknight | 0

#401463 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:04

Ouch that sucks seems like a lame excuse for your girlfriend to say... maybe it was the only one she had to get out while she still can XD

COMMENTS

By ithedarkknight | 0

#401463 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:04

Ouch that sucks seems like a lame excuse for your girlfriend to say... maybe it was the only one she had to get out while she still can XD

Eli0 | 0

#402244 - Thursday 16 July 2009 19:50

I agree this is fake. A person would have to have severe superstition issues-like to the point of OCD-to have it affect a relationship. The OP's username is also "joking0303"

pernicat | 0

#402569 - Thursday 16 July 2009 21:15

It could just be that she did not want to be with someone gullible enough to believe that stuff.

Superstitious | 6

#4091668 - Sunday 26 February 2012 14:37

"Superstition 'aint the way..."

By whatastory | 0

#401491 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:10

Yeah, I agree with #1.
Your GF saw her escape, and she TOOK IT.
Kudos to her.

By JessTrek | 0

#401497 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:11

I agree with #1 and 2. That would be a really dumb reason to break up with someone. So, in other words, you had a different fault that ended the relationship.

By fenrisulfr | 0

#401498 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:11

don't be saddened!she would have broke up with you anyway... I mean, like #1 said, what a lame excuse for dumping someone...

By augapauga | 0

#401503 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:11

Well, don't be saddened. They aren't telling your future, they're giving you advice. So, stop crying and find someone who's not rude.

By Shyman4ever | 0

#401518 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:15

Sux 2 b u

By 4dakill | 0

#401558 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:24

evil cookie evil!! feed it to the dogz i say!

By xoxo_girl | 0

#401686 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:54

Pahahaha that's funny. Ur such a loser (:
And I agree with one and two

By Synsgirljojo | 0

#401705 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:58

Ironic much?

By _THE_MASTER_ | 0

#401723 - Thursday 16 July 2009 17:01

wow dude...wow...