Miscellaneous: Today, my friend gave me a fortune cookie that said, "Don't be...

By joking0303 - United States

Today, my friend gave me a fortune cookie that said, "Don't be saddened by an upcoming event". Three hours later my girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too superstitious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46030

You deserved it

6436

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Miscellaneous

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Dementia or hate? You decide

Help!

By familydisaster - United States

OK Shaggy

Today, I was fired from my job at a local family-ran restaurant. The Reason? The owner's daughter has been stealing money from the register little by little and has blamed me for all the lost money. The boss is still convinced it's me, though, because his daughter would "never tell a lie". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52485

You deserved it

2502

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By car keyer - United States - Mary Esther

Why would I do that to me?

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20719

You deserved it

54360

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By Lizzy

Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11914

You deserved it

2663

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By skiittlez713 - United States

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44168

You deserved it

16511

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By countrygirl8846 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I went to pick up some pictures I took on a family trip, but the person at the counter said someone else had already picked them up. Now not only am I out $20, some random creep has pictures of me and my whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22249

You deserved it

1497

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By little_star78 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I tried to put the little girl I babysit in timeout for lying to me. I was about to sit her down when she made a mad dash for the basement stairs, slipped on the wood floor, and fell down them. She told her parents and everyone at the ER that I had thrown her down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60060

You deserved it

3587

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By dumb mother - United States

Today, my mother yelled at me for standing too close to the microwave. Her reason? The radiation was going to seep through, kill my sperm and cause cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24942

You deserved it

5050

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By Anonymous - United States - Battle Creek

Today, I tried role playing with my boyfriend. As I came out in sexy lingerie, I announced, "I'm Natalia, a Russian spy fluent in 2 languages: Russian and your cock." He laughed so hard he practically pissed himself. The night ended in me doing his laundry. Alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36860

You deserved it

20466

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By Katie - United States - Homewood

Today, I received frantic calls and messages from my husband wondering where I was and if I was cheating on him. I was in the same house as him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25101

You deserved it

2084

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By howaboutno - United States

Today, my boyfriend, whom I haven't heard from in a whole month, turned up at my door because it was apparently "steak and blowjob day." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51350

You deserved it

8655

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By notamum - Australia - Belmont

Today, I was babysitting my 4-month-old niece at the park, when a woman came up to me and said, "Don't worry, dear. You'll get your figure back soon." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43553

You deserved it

4684

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was babysitting my co-workers son. He was eating jell-o and spilt it on his top, so I pulled off his pj's, and went in his room to grab a new pair. I heard a thunk and ran to find him out cold on the floor. His parents walked in on me trying to wake up their naked 3 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48902

You deserved it

6012

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By Beeper - United States - Champaign

Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57588

You deserved it

5207

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By fml9124 - 6/6/2021 14:01

Sometimes the truth is too weird to believe

Today, my mom grounded me for smoking cigarettes. I'm 13. I don't smoke. She said she smelled it on my clothes. I laughed and said I was in the basement, and used one of my dad's cig's to simulate a house on fire on my train layout. She didn't believe me. Honestly, I wouldn't believe that story either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

720

You deserved it

458

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By wispywee - Canada

Today, I had the most exciting dream of my life. I was dreaming about catching a shiny charmander. I'm 15, and instead of dreaming of girls, I'm dreaming of Pokémon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35009

You deserved it

18317

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By quadropheniac - United States

Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

128222

You deserved it

8075

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By auscop - Australia

Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn't wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26614

You deserved it

85801

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By Anonymous

Scarred

Today, my niece asked why my veins were so close to my skin. She was referring to my stretch marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1209

You deserved it

146

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By bootyislife - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45089

You deserved it

4950

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By I wish it was gum

Today, I was in the cinema making out with my girlfriend. I asked her if she could stop trying to pass me her gum because it was kinda gross. She replied "It's not gum, I just have bronchitis." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4920

You deserved it

648

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By kallens - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom. After 10 minutes of my mom walking around looking confused, I said, "Mom, what are you looking for? I worked at this place for 4 years, I know where everything is." My mom was looking for KY. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23727

You deserved it

2783

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By Anonymous - United States - Carbondale

Today, I was complimented by a stranger, who said I looked great in my outfit. I thanked her, and she immediately gave me a fist-bump. I stared curiously, and she explained: she was arguing with her friends about whether I'm a man or a woman. The pitch of my voice was the answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48327

You deserved it

4488

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 16:59

Time flies by

Today, long after ten years ago when I answered the door to someone asking if my mummy and daddy were home, and I was 24 and it was my house, I just now got asked if my 30 year-old sister was my daughter. Time has not been kind to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

846

You deserved it

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By boobswerehere - United States - Reno

Today, I went to visit my best friend at her house. I saw her five-year-old brother playing in the front yard, and as I walked up to the door he shouted, "Boobs are here! Boobs are here!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

12544

You deserved it

1442

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I woke to my drunk mother trying to vacuum the lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51777

You deserved it

4357

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By John

Today, I offered to drive my girlfriend's grandpa to the doctor. I thus learned my girlfriend's grandfather has a colostomy bag when it burst all over the inside of my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37578

You deserved it

3232

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By soontobesingle - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

I agree, your life sucks

62328

You deserved it

4303

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By lct722 - Canada

Today, I panicked when I saw a spider on my shoulder from the corner of my eye. It was a birthmark. The same one that has been there for the last 23 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10765

You deserved it

23160

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By gordy1220 - United Kingdom

Today, I got back from my daughter's flat in Scotland. I got a flight there yesterday morning to surprise her on her 21st birthday. Nobody told her I was coming. When I got there, it turned out she decided to get a plane to London to surprise me. £200 on flights, and I didn't even get to see her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29915

You deserved it

4927

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2021 22:58 - United States - Pittsburgh

Gentle prank

Today, my little sister swapped out the hard white cheese on the meat-cheese platter with slices of white chocolate and put some Skittles into the bowl of M&M's. My limited circle of friends and family in our safe social pandemic bubble think it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

529

You deserved it

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By ksa - Poland - Katowice

Today, my boss made me type up my own written warning, where I had to trash myself and describe my own "shocking incompetence". All the department heads are going to receive a copy of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24226

You deserved it

3015

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my wedding ring came off in a Walmart bathroom and fell into the toilet. It was an automatic toilet. It flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7771

You deserved it

814

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By mustachioed - United States

Today, I tried to bleach my upper lip hair. I now have a bright red mustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18021

You deserved it

18761

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66910

You deserved it

8090

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 11:08 - United States - Sammamish

Insane parents

Today, I found out that 20 years ago, when my friends would call to talk to me after I started being homeschooled, my parents told them we were moving. We never moved. I could never understand why all of my friends stopped talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2280

You deserved it

100

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By Anonymous - United States - San Leandro

Today, after months of taking care of my grandma after a surgery, the doctors gave her a clean bill of health and I finally got to sleep in my own bed. She passed away while I was at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36912

You deserved it

1785

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4336

You deserved it

291

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that I'm so bored of my relationship with my girlfriend, I'd rather make sure I don't break the springs in my bed than make love to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9402

You deserved it

24507

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my roommate spits the mouthwash back into the bottle after he gargles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33980

You deserved it

2649

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By Anonymous

Stir crazy

Today, I was so bored under quarantine, I spent 2 hours on a colouring book for toddlers. I need human contact, any human, desperately, before I start talking to the walls or seeing pink elephants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1357

You deserved it

222

Favorite

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Top comments

By JessTrek | 0

#401497 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:11

I agree with #1 and 2. That would be a really dumb reason to break up with someone. So, in other words, you had a different fault that ended the relationship.

By ithedarkknight | 0

#401463 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:04

Ouch that sucks seems like a lame excuse for your girlfriend to say... maybe it was the only one she had to get out while she still can XD

COMMENTS

By ithedarkknight | 0

#401463 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:04

Ouch that sucks seems like a lame excuse for your girlfriend to say... maybe it was the only one she had to get out while she still can XD

Eli0 | 0

#402244 - Thursday 16 July 2009 19:50

I agree this is fake. A person would have to have severe superstition issues-like to the point of OCD-to have it affect a relationship. The OP's username is also "joking0303"

pernicat | 0

#402569 - Thursday 16 July 2009 21:15

It could just be that she did not want to be with someone gullible enough to believe that stuff.

Superstitious | 6

#4091668 - Sunday 26 February 2012 14:37

"Superstition 'aint the way..."

By whatastory | 0

#401491 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:10

Yeah, I agree with #1.
Your GF saw her escape, and she TOOK IT.
Kudos to her.

By JessTrek | 0

#401497 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:11

I agree with #1 and 2. That would be a really dumb reason to break up with someone. So, in other words, you had a different fault that ended the relationship.

By fenrisulfr | 0

#401498 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:11

don't be saddened!she would have broke up with you anyway... I mean, like #1 said, what a lame excuse for dumping someone...

By augapauga | 0

#401503 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:11

Well, don't be saddened. They aren't telling your future, they're giving you advice. So, stop crying and find someone who's not rude.

By Shyman4ever | 0

#401518 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:15

Sux 2 b u

By 4dakill | 0

#401558 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:24

evil cookie evil!! feed it to the dogz i say!

By xoxo_girl | 0

#401686 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:54

Pahahaha that's funny. Ur such a loser (:
And I agree with one and two

By Synsgirljojo | 0

#401705 - Thursday 16 July 2009 16:58

Ironic much?

By _THE_MASTER_ | 0

#401723 - Thursday 16 July 2009 17:01

wow dude...wow...