First! Hahaha

Tell him its up his ass if he wants to be so rude.

"it's up your ass. go look for it."

Hey this is my FML reworded and resubmitted! I was robbed

I would phrase it "With your head. Up your ass."

Demand where he was all those years you two didn't speak.

Say it's in the same place as all your lost birthday and holiday presents from him

Damn you took the words right out of my mouth

It must have been while I as kissing you.

*was

Tell him it's in the last place he took you out to dinner/had special bonding time with you. THAT might have him straining his mind for a while.

Ask him to choose : a kick in the balls or a punch in the gut?

Say that he's got the wrong number?

Tell him you had one from a long time ago, but you misplaced it due to not seeing him in so long.

I feel ya there. Just had something similar happen

Ask him where your presents are. I bet he'll hang up and never call you again. Problem solved! :)